So, I did what I do best and panicked-ish (as panicked as someone coughing up a lung can be). I started a list (something I also do quite well) which just got long. And unwieldy. And overwhelming. I was working on Mara Glatzel's on-demand course, 31 Days of Deserving (excellent course from an excellent woman: you should check her out and see all the awesomeness she has to offer), so deserving seemed like an appropriate choice.
Enough stood out as well, as in "I am enough," but it didn't feel right. Nor did believe, even though it's tattooed on my wrist. I looked at Susannah Conway's Find Your Word ecourse (thanks, Beth!) and Ali Edwards One Little Word class. Both are helpful, but hadn't solidified a choice.
I started therapy a couple of months ago. Big step for me. HUGE, in fact. I've known for years it's something I'd benefit from; hell, I was talking to my guidance counselor once a week from grade 10 through 12 and missed those sessions sorely once I graduated. There's just always been
When I received the depression diagnosis, I was urged to pursue therapy (which is where I received the Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) diagnosis); it was covered by the province's health coverage, but I was supposed to attend a 12-week therapy group. Because of the timing, I would've missed 3 hours of work every Wednesday morning for 3 months; needless to say, I was terrified I'd lose my job, so I didn't go.
A year later, I was laid off, so I figured I'd give the group therapy a shot since I had the time. I'd gone for the initial session with a therapist, got the details for the group that was set to start 2 months later, and... we moved to another province within a month.
Fast forward three years, and I'm now in a position where I am fortunate enough to have access to therapy sessions. It took me awhile to come around to take advantage of this opportunity, but once I made the call, I was all in (once I make the first (hard!) step in any situation, I'm in it for the long haul because I'm stubborn/not a quitter).
I know the work will be hard. I know it will take a lot of commitment and resolve to work through it, but I'm looking forward to it because I know there is value here for me. I also know that, because it will be hard to dredge through my childhood, I will need to exercise a great deal of loving kindness and be gentle with myself. Hopefully being cognizant of this will make it easier to do.
Compassion kept popping into my head - self-compassion. I read Kristin Neff's book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself a couple of years ago, but I don't think I was ready to fully grasp the message (I'm a firm believer that we cannot appreciate opportunities or learning experiences until we're 100% ready and/or that when we're 100% ready, opportunities and learning experiences will benefit us - case in point: therapy).