Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP!
If you've missed my oft-uttered refrain around teh intarwebz of late, let's play catch up!
Mid-December, Chebbar applied for a job in the field of his freshly-completed schooling. Just before Christmas, he was asked to come in for an interview (but not until the New Year). The interview seemed to go well, but he never heard back about the conference call that was supposed to take place.
We went on with our day-to-day lives. He started applying for any job he could find.
Last Friday, he was offered the job. In Edmonton. 1,000km (660+ miles) away from where we - and both of our families - currently live. He was then asked to come in on (this past) Monday to meet with the president of the company. He was told they'd fly him out that day if he was ready to go.
He (read: WE) wasn't.
Tuesday, we hopped in the car and drove to Edmonton. We had some of the worst winter weather we've seen in years - we're talking three feet of snow, going 30km/hour behind semi trucks that couldn't navigate the blowing snow and drifts. The 12-hour trip took us 14 hours. We got in to Edmonton at 11:30 Tuesday night and collapsed into the (so comfortable, I woke up with NO PAIN both mornings) hotel bed.
Oh, did I mention that Edmonton was having its coldest snap all winter? -40 Celsius with the wind chill? Yeah, that.
Our mechanic called us to report that the car did NOT have a block heater and that we needed to get to a dealership ASAP before our antifreeze, well, froze. They were able to get us in because the other people who had appointments from the day before still hadn't shown up because it was too cold to start their cars and tow trucks were taking 8-12 hours to get to calls.
We tried to book a rental car so we could go look at rental properties while the car was in the shop. No one had any cars available because the people who had them couldn't return them because they couldn't start them because it was too cold.
We ended up getting the car back early and went to look at one townhouse. It was a winner. We paid a security deposit half an hour after touring the place.
We were up while it was still dark on Thursday to head back home (for now). This time the trip only took 12 hours because the roads were better.
We will be spending the next few days seeing family and friends and packing up all our shit so we can load a moving truck and hit the highway again next Friday.
I'm... a mass of emotions. Excited. Scared. Stressed. Curious. Worried. Sad. I'm going to miss my family. It's going to be weird to be so far away: I've never lived more than 10 minutes away from my parents.
It's going to be good, but it's going to require a lot of breathing and a lot of faith.
Mid-December, Chebbar applied for a job in the field of his freshly-completed schooling. Just before Christmas, he was asked to come in for an interview (but not until the New Year). The interview seemed to go well, but he never heard back about the conference call that was supposed to take place.
We went on with our day-to-day lives. He started applying for any job he could find.
Last Friday, he was offered the job. In Edmonton. 1,000km (660+ miles) away from where we - and both of our families - currently live. He was then asked to come in on (this past) Monday to meet with the president of the company. He was told they'd fly him out that day if he was ready to go.
He (read: WE) wasn't.
Tuesday, we hopped in the car and drove to Edmonton. We had some of the worst winter weather we've seen in years - we're talking three feet of snow, going 30km/hour behind semi trucks that couldn't navigate the blowing snow and drifts. The 12-hour trip took us 14 hours. We got in to Edmonton at 11:30 Tuesday night and collapsed into the (so comfortable, I woke up with NO PAIN both mornings) hotel bed.
Oh, did I mention that Edmonton was having its coldest snap all winter? -40 Celsius with the wind chill? Yeah, that.
Our mechanic called us to report that the car did NOT have a block heater and that we needed to get to a dealership ASAP before our antifreeze, well, froze. They were able to get us in because the other people who had appointments from the day before still hadn't shown up because it was too cold to start their cars and tow trucks were taking 8-12 hours to get to calls.
We tried to book a rental car so we could go look at rental properties while the car was in the shop. No one had any cars available because the people who had them couldn't return them because they couldn't start them because it was too cold.
We ended up getting the car back early and went to look at one townhouse. It was a winner. We paid a security deposit half an hour after touring the place.
We were up while it was still dark on Thursday to head back home (for now). This time the trip only took 12 hours because the roads were better.
We will be spending the next few days seeing family and friends and packing up all our shit so we can load a moving truck and hit the highway again next Friday.
I'm... a mass of emotions. Excited. Scared. Stressed. Curious. Worried. Sad. I'm going to miss my family. It's going to be weird to be so far away: I've never lived more than 10 minutes away from my parents.
It's going to be good, but it's going to require a lot of breathing and a lot of faith.
Them thar hills be The Rockies, dudes.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Hate-Loss Challenge: Week Two
After reading Ellen's post discussing how difficult it was to repeat the positive reinforcements and how she originally started by telling herself she was not the negative things on the list, I decided to give that a try this week. This appealed to me because the positive reinforcements weren't ringing true to my ears (particularly "beautiful" - I still have trouble using that word to describe myself). It's felt much more realistic to say "I'm NOT a failure, etc, etc" before moving on to "I am strong, etc, etc."
My life would be so much better if I were only:
more content with who I am and how I look. (often)
I’d be so much happier if I had a better:
opinion of myself. (often)
I wish I weighed:
less. (not that often, actually, and never a specific number)
When I look in the mirror, the first thing I criticize about myself is my:
skin. (often)
The one negative word that I use about myself over and over again is:
failure. (more often than not... *shame face*)
Now, answer these questions:
I often receive the most compliments on my:
ability to be supportive.
What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is:
my eyes or my smile.
I take pride in my:
loyalty.
I love the fact that I can:
. . . erm . . . I'm drawing a blank. . . ?
My greatest quality is:
my empathy.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Oh because even when I was flat broke
She didn't like this.
Upon graduation, I met a guy named Dave who was a few years older than me. He was also from a very traditional, devout family who had him convinced that - at 21 - he was far too old to be unmarried. Within three weeks of dating, he was pressuring me about marriage. I was only 18, had just graduated high school (read: didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life), and had watched my mother go through three marriages. Needless to say, I did not take his pressure kindly. After explaining this to him, and him not being able to stop, I ended up breaking up with him. He threatened suicide. That was awesome.
Not long after that, I met Matt, which was a disaster and a half. Then Jeff, which was another disaster and a half. I continued working in Big Box Retail Store hell (was there for 10.5 years, and it was soul-crushing). I started university with the intention of getting into teaching, but after taking an Intro to Criminal Justice course, completely changed my mind.
I dated a handful of guys, all briefly. I seemed to break things off before they went too far or got too serious (read: the sex); I have a feeling it was lingering bullshit from Matt. When I turned 19, I turned into a bit of a "bar star" in that I was there pretty much every weekend and often both Friday and Saturday nights (what can I say? I'm from a small town with noth.ing. to do). I wasn't a big drinker, volunteering to be the designated driver the majority of the time.
Fast forward a few years. Mom had to have a hysterectomy for a fibroid tumor that had grown to the size of her uterus (because she hadn't had a pap test in EIGHT YEARS. Get tested regularly, ladies!). We were having a family dinner the night before because - much like with them going anywhere by plane - she was superstitious-ish about anesthetic and getting in "one more dinner" with her family, "just in case."
She had been really stressed out by the upcoming operation; the more time that passed with no call from Bev, the angrier she got: Bev had a hysterectomy years before, but she'd been through it, so surely she could have told Mom what to expect. Instead, Bev chose to call the night before, interrupting dinner, to do nothing but talk about Donna (even though Mom had asked asked Bev MULTIPLE times not to discuss Donna with her: at Taylor's 5th birthday, Donna got it in her head that Mom and a friend were talking about her, so she grabbed our cousin and stormed out. She CHOSE not to speak to Mom - or the rest of us - after that. They still don't speak). Mom was understandably annoyed and got off the phone.
The day after her surgery, Gramps called to talk to Brad, saying that Bev felt "uncomfortable" visiting Mom in the hospital because she felt like she "wasn't welcome." Brad finally had enough and told Gramps that he, Bev, and Mom had a lot of things to discuss. That was the last time we heard from them.
A few months later, Taylor got a card with a cheque in the mail from the grandparents. Two weeks later, I got an empty card. I thought it was odd, but thought maybe Bev forgot to put the birthday cheque in the card. I stopped in to see Gramps not long after and found him to be very brusque and cold; the only reason I could come up with was that I hadn't gushed over my $0.37 card from a random box of impersonal Amway cards - rude, sure, but I didn't really feel that deserved gushing over.
Six weeks later, Nick got a card... with a cheque in the mail. It became plainly evident that I had been excluded on purpose, although none of us could figure out why. All these years later, all we could come up with was that they figured I was my mother's daughter and had no brain or opinion of my own, so if Mom wasn't talking to them (or they weren't talking to her), I was persona non grata as well.
That Christmas, they pulled the same shit: dropped off cards with cheques at Dad's for Nick and Taylor with nothing for me. 17-year old Nick got in his car, drove to their house, and handed back his card, telling them that if they weren't going to acknowledge his sister, he didn't want their gift either. That's when Bev got on the phone and - IN FRONT OF NICK - demanded I "name [my] price." Any amount: she'd write a cheque if *I* would stop ignoring THEM. 1) *I* wasn't the one who stopped talking to them, and b) how could she SAY that in front of Nick? "Oh, you're only worth $100, but your sister's worth ANY amount."
Mind? BLOWN.
Monday, January 9, 2012
My Health Challenge: Week Two #myhc
Whelp, my gung-ho'edness bit me in the ass again. I did too much, too soon without finishing the week of muscle relaxants I'd been prescribed. So I gave my head a shake, sat myself down, and asked for assvice. I restarted the muscle relaxants and swore off anything more than walking (which we did: we walked three times last week, plus my elliptical, yoga, and weight workouts before I quit - I did 8km last week).
We walked yesterday and today; we'll continue to do so the rest of the week. Friday will be home-free day as far as the muscle relaxants are concerned. A friend suggested that I might not be giving myself enough of a break before working the same groups of muscles again, so my tentative plan - depending on what my body tells me, of course: REALLY gotta start listening to that thing! - is to walk as many days as possible (2km = 30 minutes), do free weights on Mondays and Fridays, and yoga on Wednesdays. And as per the comments on Friday's post, as soon as we have some money coming in, I'll look at heading to the leisure center to swim.
I'm looking forward to getting back to it because I'm remembering how damned GOOD I feel when I'm active consistently.
How about you guys? Anyone still sticking to their New Year's resolutions/goals? Anyone still doing @annieology's pushup challenge (Chebbar still is!)?
We walked yesterday and today; we'll continue to do so the rest of the week. Friday will be home-free day as far as the muscle relaxants are concerned. A friend suggested that I might not be giving myself enough of a break before working the same groups of muscles again, so my tentative plan - depending on what my body tells me, of course: REALLY gotta start listening to that thing! - is to walk as many days as possible (2km = 30 minutes), do free weights on Mondays and Fridays, and yoga on Wednesdays. And as per the comments on Friday's post, as soon as we have some money coming in, I'll look at heading to the leisure center to swim.
I'm looking forward to getting back to it because I'm remembering how damned GOOD I feel when I'm active consistently.
How about you guys? Anyone still sticking to their New Year's resolutions/goals? Anyone still doing @annieology's pushup challenge (Chebbar still is!)?
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sunday Sound-Off (with a bonus entry at the end!)
Shared it:
Appreciated it:
I've been working on the Hate-Loss Challenge since the first of the year. It involved writing out a list of positive and complimentary words that I am supposed to say out loud to myself at least once a day, as well as a list of negative or derogatory words that I'm not supposed to say about myself. I posted the list on the bathroom mirror so I could see it easily and often. I've been reading the positives to myself in the morning and before bed.
It hasn't been too difficult to read the positives, although it does feel a little cheesy and forced, especially considering I'm trying to sound all upbeat and stuff. I'm definitely having trouble refraining from using the "bad" words: they're just so common in my self-talk.
Week One:
This week's exercise is to think back to a time in my life where I formed negative thoughts about myself (Ha! Just one?!?).
Why do you think you are undeserving of praise?
I don't really think I do anything praise-worthy...
Was there a specific event that caused you to change the way you perceive yourself?
I can't really pinpoint a specific time or incident that made me decide to talk to myself like an asshole - it's honestly been such a part of who I am for so long, I don't remember a time without negative self-talk (unless I go extreme and think back to when I was six-years old).
Is it because you’ve always been reminded of your imperfections or weaknesses?
Not necessarily: it's not like I grew up with harping parents who grounded me if I didn't get an A+. I'm really not sure where my perfectionism came from or why I beat myself up when I (inevitably) "fail."
Is it because you’re not receiving enough positive feedback from people whose opinions really matter to you?
Ahhh. Very likely, yes. I'd come home from school with a 93% on a test and instead of hearing "Good job!" I'd hear "Well, where's the other 7%?" My own mother didn't refer to me as "pretty" until I was 29.
Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?
Yup. I expect far more of myself than I would EVER expect of anyone else. I have to do everything perfectly the first time through without any help. If I don't do that - even when it's a brand new task I've never done before - my self-talk is deplorable.
Were you taught these habits from living in an unhealthy environment?
Mmm... I'm not sure. Possibly/probably? (I don't want to be all "It's all my parents' FAULLLLLT!")
How can I find a way to forgive those who have hurt me?
I think I've pretty much done this, or at least gotten a good handle on it last year through writing letters and such.
How can I forgive myself?
Oy. This is going to be significantly harder because I don't know how to cut myself slack. However, I know it's necessary in order to stop hating myself. Beating myself up all the time hasn't worked so far: time to try something new.
- My very favouritest make-me-feel-good-about-myself blogger, Medicinal Marzipan, explains why you are worth the effort. Have I mentioned she's my favourite? I pink puffy heart love her.
- The Bloggess explains why I am so open with my depression struggles (and also why I work as much as I do on Band Back Together) in her post "Wow."
- Do you love yourself? I'm trying!
- 10 journaling tips to help you heal, grow, and thrive via Tiny Buddha.
- And for shits and giggles, check out Pinterest, You Are Drunk. heheheh
Appreciated it:
- Hope
- Motivation
- Walking
- Being here now
- Chebbar <3
It hasn't been too difficult to read the positives, although it does feel a little cheesy and forced, especially considering I'm trying to sound all upbeat and stuff. I'm definitely having trouble refraining from using the "bad" words: they're just so common in my self-talk.
Week One:
This week's exercise is to think back to a time in my life where I formed negative thoughts about myself (Ha! Just one?!?).
Why do you think you are undeserving of praise?
I don't really think I do anything praise-worthy...
Was there a specific event that caused you to change the way you perceive yourself?
I can't really pinpoint a specific time or incident that made me decide to talk to myself like an asshole - it's honestly been such a part of who I am for so long, I don't remember a time without negative self-talk (unless I go extreme and think back to when I was six-years old).
Is it because you’ve always been reminded of your imperfections or weaknesses?
Not necessarily: it's not like I grew up with harping parents who grounded me if I didn't get an A+. I'm really not sure where my perfectionism came from or why I beat myself up when I (inevitably) "fail."
Is it because you’re not receiving enough positive feedback from people whose opinions really matter to you?
Ahhh. Very likely, yes. I'd come home from school with a 93% on a test and instead of hearing "Good job!" I'd hear "Well, where's the other 7%?" My own mother didn't refer to me as "pretty" until I was 29.
Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?
Yup. I expect far more of myself than I would EVER expect of anyone else. I have to do everything perfectly the first time through without any help. If I don't do that - even when it's a brand new task I've never done before - my self-talk is deplorable.
Were you taught these habits from living in an unhealthy environment?
Mmm... I'm not sure. Possibly/probably? (I don't want to be all "It's all my parents' FAULLLLLT!")
How can I find a way to forgive those who have hurt me?
I think I've pretty much done this, or at least gotten a good handle on it last year through writing letters and such.
How can I forgive myself?
Oy. This is going to be significantly harder because I don't know how to cut myself slack. However, I know it's necessary in order to stop hating myself. Beating myself up all the time hasn't worked so far: time to try something new.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
A Band-mate needs YOUR support
Crystal, one of our cherished Band Back Together members, just learned that her 5-year old son has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. They have set up a Caring Bridge site to keep people up to date on Jack's journey; there is also an email address to send Jack get well ecards and cards or packages can be forwarded as well (please email me or any of the other Band Back Together members if you'd like more information). We're also using the #jackonaut hash tag on twitter to send Jack messages. And if you click through to Band Back Together's post, you can get the code necessary to display "Jack's kicking cancer's ass" button on your blog.
Jack is a super upbeat, happy little guy, and his mama is one of the strongest women I know, but everyone needs all the support, love, prayers, juju, or whatever else you believe in they can get at a time like this.
Another you can do - not just for Jack, but for people everywhere - is to join the Be The Match bone marrow registry. For the month of January, American Express is covering the cost of the kit (and it's SO easy: all you have to do is swab the inside of your cheek and mail it off). (Again, click through to Band Back Together's post for more info and links.)
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