How to give a girl a heart attack in 5 easy steps

1. Wait until she's home alone (of course). Better yet, wait until she's gone out for an hour, returned to an empty condo, and gone straight into the shower.
2. Wait until she's in her housecoat with a towel on her head.
3. Wait until her contacts are out and she's VIRTUALLY BLIND.
4. Slide a book in a plastic bag under her door without knocking.
5. Do this all *after* you left a message -- which she missed because she was in the shower -- saying that you could bring it by, "if [she] wants."

Holy Jeebus on Melba toast. I was in the bathroom and heard this noise that sounded like someone opening a plastic bag VERY close by. Except I was here alone. Or so I thought... I literally froze with 47 thoughts spinning through my head: Chebbar? No, gone to work. And I threw the security lock when I came in. Shit! I can't see! My glasses are in my purse in the kitch. Next to my fucking cell phone. OMG, I'm NAKED under this. Is someone IN here? HOW?!? Do I go out there?

"HELLO?"

. . .

I walked into the hallway to see a book being slid under the (double-locked -- there's something to be said for being a paranoid creature of habit) door. It seems that Strata Bob called while I was in the shower, offering to drop off the book to the camera equipment for Chebbar to look over. I didn't get the call because I was in the shower. Instead of waiting TEN MINUTES for a return phone call, he came up two floors to cram the bloody thing under the door, giving me a heart attack in the process.

*flop*