I'm gonna blow up our cell provider

Seriously.

On Saturday January 17, we called with three very specific goals in mind:
1. New hardware upgrades for both of us (we had already been told by the guy at the mall kiosk that we were eligible for "Level 4" upgrades *eye roll*)
2. Combine our accounts into one
3. Enroll in a family plan

We had been told by Kiosk Dude that we had to do the hardware upgrades before anything else: if we closed an account or changed a status, we would be reset to zero and not entitled to a hardware upgrade for another two years -- which, with TWO broken phones? not. an. option.

The first woman I spoke to was on the ball and very helpful. She processed Chebbar's hardware upgrade without a problem. Or so we thought. Because my account hadn't been changed from the corporate plan from when I worked at the Big Z, she couldn't access my account; she transferred me through to corporate. This woman was marginally less helpful in that she wouldn't let me get a word out and kept cutting me off to insist she couldn't help me -- that department was for corporately PAID accounts only: she'd have to transfer me to the corporate business accounts. *groan*

After waiting for eleventy-seven minutes that sounded like I was on hold in a wind tunnel, a woman who was very, very likely at a call station in another country "helped" me. *snort* She couldn't find Chebbar's account; she wasn't going to let me add him to the family plan because the addresses were different (however, that's HIS fault for not updating his info in THREE YEARS); when she asked Chebbar if he wanted a local phone number, she then couldn't find the town we live in, even though we spelled it three times and it's on my account; and she went ahead and input my address for delivery instead of my work address, like we did with the other phone.

Tuesday, there was a delivery failure notification on the door of the building when I got home. I rerouted the phone on the UPS website with no problems. The phone was delivered to me at work promptly the next day. So, the phone that was misdirected arrived within two business days, after being rerouted. Are you following where this is going? The phone that wasn't going to need to be redirected should have already arrived...

When I called Evil Service Provider the FIRST time, the woman gave me the tracking number. FOR THE PHONE THAT WAS SITTING ON MY DESK. When I called Evil Service Provider the SECOND time, the poor guy had the joy of telling me that Chebbar's phone had been cancelled.

Buh, wut?

It seems that when Lady #3 changed Chebbar's phone number, it cancelled his phone order -- no explanation and no warning from Evil Service Provider. He had to contact the customer relations department (due to the change, the account wasn't entitled to a hardware upgrade... oh, YEAH! *groan*), but assured me that another phone would be sent out immediately.

Today is the third business day if we're generous and don't count Wednesday. I called to see if I could get a tracking number. Guy #1 informed me that the function they previously used to look at order statuses was no longer functional and he would have to transfer me to the tracking department. He did so, and after listening to the message that the average wait time was MORE THAN 15 minutes, I got disconnected.

*bashes self in face with phone receiver*

When I called back, Guy #2 informed me that Guy #1 had put a note on the account that a phone had been ordered, but... wait for it...

...THE GOD DAMNED MOTHER HUMPING PHONE WASN'T ORDERED! *serious steam coming out of my ears*

He then asked to put me on hold so he could contact customer relations; I told him that it would be a good idea because if they don't get me a new phone (I ended up giving the first new phone to Chebbar), we'll be cancelling both contracts and closing the account. After 4 days, he came back and assured me that he listened while Beverly (yeah, Bev, I have your name: you'd better get me mah damned phone!) inputted (that looks funny, but dictionary.com assures me it's a valid word) the order. I have a reference number, but Guy #2 told me that I'll have to wait until probably Wednesday to get a tracking number and not to hold my breath on the phone arriving before 10 BUSINESS DAYS.

My phone is literally falling apart. I'm afraid to tell Chebbar of this latest development because he didn't want to stay with Evil Service Provider in the first place -- I convinced him to give them another shot. He already said we'd cancel everything if they screwed up again. Do you think if I just keep my mouth shut, he'll forget? o_O (Actually, considering that he's on graveyards this week, this is entirely possible.)

*head asplode*