Jonesing for a fix

Last Thursday I woke up with a headache. It's still with me. The best part? In all likelihood, it's my fault: I did this to myself. Looking back, it was likely a migraine, but my reaction to it came back to bite me in the ass. Hard.

Come Saturday morning, both the pain and the pressure were bad enough that I had a full-on snot-fest melt down because I was exhausted and tired of the pain. I ended up buying a bottle of 222's (acetaminophen with codeine and caffeine -- available over the counter at the pharmacy). I was taking two of those plus my allergy medication every four hours. I kept that up until a massive headache woke me at 4:30am Wednesday morning. The combination of the pain and lack of sleep was enough for me to call in sick so I could go to the doctor. My doctor was unavailable (of course), so I went to a walk-in clinic where I was given a prescription antihistamine that would help me sleep at night (?!?). I took two more 222's at 12:30, and starting watching the clock for my next dose around 1pm.

When I realized what I was doing, I started doing the math: I had taken approximately three dozen pills in four days. Holy shit. I decided then and there that I would tough it out as much as possible, telling myself that I'm not a fan of putting "stuff" in my body unnecessarily (liar liar pants on fire! you do this ALL. THE. TIME. with ibuprofen and acetaminophen and the like! you just don't do it consistently every four hours!). I called my doctor's office back and made an appointment for next Thursday (that was the soonest I could get in).

Well. If I thought Wednesday was bad, I had no CLUE what I was in for yesterday. The pain and pressure was intense. It wasn't even that it was worse than it had been: I was almost starting to feel claustrophobic because I couldn't shake the fog that had engulfed my head.

I had heard of rebound headaches before I started Googling around the intarwebz -- occurring daily; waking you (in the morning); hurt worse at the beginning; persist throughout the day -- went "huh," and promptly put the thought out of my mind (likely because it hit a little too close to home). I would say that, not only was this week-long headache a rebounder, but likely the majority of my headaches are as well.

Even as I read more and more information, I was still sitting here going "but I don't take MORE than directed... that often. I just take it too regularly." On the drive home from work, with nothing but the radio to distract me from my (painful) thoughts, I started to panic as I recalled my prescription pill-popping grandmother and my won't-take-prescription-pills-but-won't-hesitate-to-take-OTC-meds mother. I was doing the same thing.

I read an article that stated many people don't think they can become "addicted" to non-prescription pills, assuming that since they can get them over the counter (hell, straight off the shelf without even speaking to a pharmacist) they're safe -- that they can't become dependent on them. *raises hand* I never would have thought that a couple of ibuprofen could be
problematic.

Fact of the matter is that they can be, and they are, for me. I was scared as I stood in the kitchen and told Chebbar about my suspicions, as I shakily confessed that all I could think was that I just need one ibuprofen -- not because the pain was any worse, but simply because I knew it would give me relief, no matter how temporary.

Need

The thought over-rode everything last night, as I made dinner; as I sat in the bathtub; as I lay on the couch, one ice pack on the back of my neck and another across my forehead. I need an ibuprofen, -- just one! -- so I can get to sleep. I need an ibuprofen -- just one! -- so I can get through work tomorrow. I need an ibuprofen -- just one! -- so I can deal with all the errands and running around we have to do on Saturday. I need an ibuprofen -- just one! -- so I can grin and bear it and get through the barbecue with our friends on Sunday.

It scared the hell out of me. It made me realize that I'm human and susceptible and fallible and imperfect. Shit, I've never so much as smoked pot (I've ingested it, but that's another funny story for a different day), not because I'm morally opposed to it or anything: the concept of having no idea how I will react to it and no control over what happens is beyond my comfort zone. To realize that (to some degree) I'm addicted to bloody ibuprofen of all things is just a tad embarrassing for the consummate perfectionist. I mean, obviously there are worse things to become dependent on (and aside from the brutal pain yesterday that has subsided to a dull roar today, the "detox" has been a cake walk) and I realize I'm lucky that it's *just* ibuprofen, but c'mon.

Somehow, because I was caught in the false sense of security of "safe" drugs, I overlooked the fact that there is a history of pill dependency in my family. Somehow, because I didn't want to admit there was a problem -- either with the amount/frequency of pills I was taking, or the number of headaches I've been getting -- I buried my head in the sand like an ostrich and denied it all. Somehow, because I'm a jackass to the nth degree, I smugly believed that *I* could never have a problem like that.

I'm still scared. I'm scared of the damage I may have done to my body, both in the past week, and in the past 10+ years of regular headaches (and more regular shakes of that bottle). I'm scared of what this means for my headache future: will I get more? less? the same? I'm scared of what will happen when/if I do find myself in a place where I need to take it again: will I be able to stop at just one (dose), or am I doomed to a life of suffering because the risk is too large?

Again, while I'm so very thankful it was something relatively minor like ibuprofen, I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I let it get to this point, other people need to be aware of this and how easy it is to fall into a cycle of "I just have to take something" because I certainly had no idea.