It's time to get serious

Once and for all. I've about had it with myself. I had a melt-down of epic proportions (yes, another one: shut up) last Monday that was something of a wake-up call. I was shocked at how bad it was, at how miserable I was, at how nasty I was to myself. Someone said to me years ago that I shouldn't be mean to myself because there are enough other people in the world who will do that for me. While sad, it is true. That good old cliche stands: if I can't love myself, why would anyone else? (I think that is why sometimes I find it so damned baffling that Chebbar loves me the way he does.)


I deserve to be comfortable in my skin. I deserve to like the way I look in my clothes (or at least try to) instead of feeling like a hippo in a tutu. Being comfortable and liking the way I look in clothes is NOT dependent on the number on the tag -- no one sees it, so who cares?!? CUT THEM OFF! I want to be HEALTHY. I want to be FIT. I want to have energy. I want to be able to jog up the stairs again. I want to do the Couch to 5K program. I want to be around to spend many, many more years with Chebbar.

And so, I started writing a list. It's a long one, so feel free to scroll down if you're so inclined. I don't mind, I promise. ;)

• I am going to drink 6-8 glasses of water per day, drinking them consistently throughout the day so as to not get dehydrated, INCLUDING WEEKENDS
• I am not going to drink pop during the week (unless I'm getting a caffeine fix for a headache)
• I am going to strive for 5 days of activity per week, but will be happy with 3
• I am NOT going to beat myself up if I skip a workout and/or do an easier one than planned
• I am going to take the stairs unless I have a large load
• I am going to be mindful of what I'm choosing to eat
• I am going to be mindful of how much I'm eating
• I am going to be mindful of when I'm eating -- bored? upset? hungry?
• I am going to be mindful of when I'm full
• I am going to chew a piece of gum in order to curb the after-meal sweet tooth
• I will have a glass of water and wait 15 minutes before giving in to a craving
• I will allow myself one treat per day if I feel the need
  
• I will not beat myself up if I slip and have more than one
• I will make healthy choices whenever/wherever possible
• I am going to floss & brush my teeth before bed
• I am going to moisturize my skin after showers & baths
• I am going to exfoliate & apply a face mask every 3 days or so
• I am going to STOP PICKING my skin
• I am going to take care of my feet with regular pedicures & applications of lotion
• I am going to be kinder to myself
• I am going to be gentler to myself
• I am going to cut myself some slack
• I am going to appreciate my body, at the very least for staying upright and continuing to move
• I am not going to see a slip-up as the end of the world: instead, it will be an opportunity for a new beginning
• I am going to do my best to not slip into the pit of self-loathing
• I am going to actively pursue learning how to love myself
• I am going to actively pursue recognizing my good qualities
• I am going to actively pursue realizing, recognizing, and accepting that I am a good person (and that it doesn't make me vain to do so)
• I am going to make a conscious effort to stop negative self-talk the moment I realize I'm doing it
• I am going to stop (potentially) offending or hurting Chebbar by not questioning his love or anything else he says to/about me, by taking what he says at face-value, and accepting that he's not just telling me what he thinks I want to hear

Allllll that being said, I think I'm going to join my first blog group, the Healthy You Challenge. I like that the focus is on being a healthier version of me, whether that means focusing on weight, fitness, meeting challenges, or asking for support (because, hello! need to work on that one, too). The fact that it is not scale-driven appeals to me because nothing discourages me more than seeing that number creep up; unfortunately, instead of spurring me on to try harder, it seems to enforce the "this is useless and I'm never gonna change" mindset. Because it is open-ended in the goals and challenges department, I feel I can use this as motivation to work on the non-physical pieces of me that need TLC. And I love the idea of a community, as well.

If you think this might be for you, join me! If you just want to watch from afar, that's cool, too. :)

Oh, and as a reward, I've promised myself a boudoir-type photo shoot once I get to a place where I'm comfortable with me. But shhh! That's between you, me, and the rest of the internet. ;)