It seems that my cyst is back (or, coincidentally, I have another one on the same side). I am not happy with this, obviously. I did some Googling, asked some questions on Twitter, and suspect it might be the new birth control pills, which REALLY blows because they seem to be doing the trick with the PMDD (however, they do seem to have some, erm, "sexual" side effects, and not in a good way). Theoretically speaking, if the pills were working as they're supposed to - ceasing ovulation - I shouldn't be getting cysts: birth control pills are sometimes used to prevent/stop cysts from forming. The other side of that coin is, um, I'M OVULATING. Hello, false sense of security via non-working birth control pills! *faints*
AAAAANYHOW.
Yesterday, my thinking went something like this... Great. More cyst pain. Guess I'd better see Doc again. Wait - I'm supposed to go for my annual exam in January; maybe I'll just wait. No, wait - that's SIX WEEKS AWAY. I'm not going to a) be uncomfortable longer than necessary and b) risk going through this another month. Guess that means she's going to want to do an ultrasound. Wonder how long THAT will take. Oh, god. What if they have to operate to remove the cyst? I can't miss work! Oh, shit. What if they end up having to take the whole ovary like [Chebbar's buddy's young 20-something girlfriend]?!? OMF. WHAT IF THEY HAVE TO DO A HYSTERECTOMY??? Whoa. What if Doc tells me that if I want kids, I'd better do it now? We can't do it now. Hell, I don't think either one of us wants to do it now. Huh. Guess that would be an answer of sorts.
And with one ridiculously hypochondriacized (is so a word: shut it) tangent, I came to a shocking realization: I'll be okay if my choice to have kids is taken away from me. If I'm given the choice of having a child now, while our future is so uncertain and Chebbar is going back to school and things are going to be oh-so-tight for the next few years, and not having one at all, I'm okay with not having one at all. That's HUGE.
At first, the thought of the choice being taken away from me rankled; however, it was very quickly followed by something that involved a small measure of shame for me: relief. How EASY would it make things to have a simple, go-to explanation as to why we don't have kids? "I can't." I still feel guilty that I don't know; that I'm potentially "depriving" parents of grandchildren; that I'm inherently selfish for hesitating before turning every. single. aspect. of our entire life upside down. But I strongly believe everything happens for a reason and everything works out the way it's meant to.
So paranoid ramblings aside, I'll probably end up having to change birth control pills and still be left all conflicted and unsure and ambivalent. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy knowing that I'll be okay with whatever the outcome is.
Oh, you are a hypochondriac after my own heart.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is to find a pill that helps with PMDD. The fact that it's now causing problems- sucks elephant balls!
Go to the doc. Sooner rather than later. That way you can switch pills and go back to being conflicted...
*hugs and stuff*
In my counselling training, I was really in to something called existential psychotherapy (hence my screenname!). It talked about how choice is always linked to anxiety, how choosing one thing always meant the exclusion of another. I can see why having choice taken away could be a relief!
ReplyDeleteBut also - you do or do not do things when you are ready.
And also - PMDD is a suckmonkey. I didn't know you had it. I had it bad bad bad. Docs told me once I had kids it would ease. It has. Or perhaps I am too tired out now to feel the sort of rage or depression I once did? Ha.
Not everyone needs to procreate! :) I'm glad that your mini-panic moment gave you a little epiphany. I bet that's a weight off your shoulders. Now calm down about that pain/cyst AND go see your doctor so s/he can tell you you're a nutball for thinking the worst. MUAH. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger (15ish) I had such painful periods that my gyn thought maybe I had a cyst and put me on birth control pills. They always made my mood a little goofy.
ReplyDeleteIf it's your pills that might be causing it have you ever looked into the ring? I'm using it right now and it seriously helps with moodiness (I feel a LOT more "mood stable") and I have super short periods with very little cramping. Just a thought.
My wife gets cysts, too. She had to have surgery last winter to have some of them removed. Not fun at all, this I know.
ReplyDeleteI thought we already talked about stepping away from Dr. Google. He's an asshole who loves to freak people out. But the best thing to do is to make the appt because at the very least you'll have peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteAnd if it makes you feel better I may have told the BF tonight on the phone that if I didn't call him in the AM that it's because I'm dead in my bed. I made him promise to check on me because I didn't want to be that woman found 3 months later.
Hypochondria sucks balls.
I think us WOWUNBAs were separated at birth. Seriously, I had the exact same problems...and ended up with a hyst after I had a baby. The hormone roller coaster sucks.
ReplyDeleteStop it with the Dr. Google. You will worry yourself in to an ulcer. Dr. Google is usually wrong anyway.
I'll be anxious to hear....and pulling for you!
That's huge, dude.
ReplyDeleteI'm prone to cysts too. I hate the damn things.
Wow, that's a lot for you to take in in one breath. But it does feel good to come to terms with something, just in case, isn't it? I hope it all works out the way you want it to. I know how awful the not knowing is, it's usually the worst part! I am queen at making mountains out of mole hills, so I definitely understand!
ReplyDeleteEven if the worst happens (and I don't think it will) your choice to have kids won't be taken from you. Your ability to be pregnant would be taken. There are many wonderful ways to still become a parent, from adoption to surrogacy.
ReplyDeleteI fear we may not be able to have the next kid "naturally" whatever the hell that means. We may have to adopt. I'm perfectly ok with that.
Hugs to you. Will be thinking non-scary thoughts for you. :)