When I got my period - two months to the day before my 13th birthday - I was living with Dad. I had watched that video in grade six, so I didn't think I was dying or anything. I did freak out a little bit, though. Luckily for me, Mom left a few pads under the bathroom sink when she moved out. I tried to call Mom, but she was working that night, which meant *I* was going to have to tell Dad [insert full-body cringe here]. In all of my almost-13-year old wisdom, I wrote him a note telling him that I had gotten my period and didn't want to go to school the next day, folded it up all passing-notes-in-class-style (which means it probably took him a good five minutes to get it OPEN), told him NOT to read it until I was gone as I chucked it at his head, then RAN back down to my room.
I walked around all bow-legged that night because it felt like I had a pillow stuffed in my pants. (And compared to what we have now? I pretty much HAD a pillow stuffed in my pants.)
The next day, Mom took me to the grocery store to pick up a bag of Always for Teens. Its cheerful pink and purple packaging did nothing to distract me from the embarrassment of being seen in public with feminine hygiene products - I made Mom pack the bag (because anyone viewing a woman carrying that bag walking along a bright red, surly teenager would've believed they were for the woman).
And then do you know what she did? She took me to two different aunts' houses and one of her friend's all "my baby is a woman!"
I DIED.
If you're playing along at home, I've been "a woman" (Mom's description) for 19 years. (Technically, I've been a woman *wink-wink-nudge-nudge* for, uh, 13 years. What? I was a slow bloomer.) If we go with a conservative estimate of one period every 28 days (which was absolute horse shit for the first three years of my bloody career), we're talking 247 menstrual cycles.
And yet? I woke up this morning to no tampons.
How does that even HAPPEN? Two hundred and forty-seven freaking times and I forget?!? What the hell, brain? Wishful thinking?!? (It's like every time I'm all "WTF is WRONG with me?!? Why am I so emotional/bitchy/psychotic???" [A week passes.] "Ohhhhh yeaaaaah... " DERP) The best part? I looked at the damned tampons when we were at Costco yesterday, paused, wondered if I needed more, then went "naaaaah" and left them on the fricking shelf. GENIUS RIGHT HERE, PEOPLE!
I guess this is just one more sign I need to get that got-damned Diva Cup figured out, right? *sigh*
LOL. I havn't (for many boring medical reasons) had a period in well over a year now...but you can bet your bottom dollar that when my body decides to behave like a woman again it will happen when I am halfway up a cliff......or on a rollercoaster.....or somewhere else that doesn't sell tampons....;)x
ReplyDeleteHA! You are not alone. I REALLY think it selective amnesia. Last month I said "do I need pads?" "Nope, I have time..." Ya, the next morning was not fun.
ReplyDeleteWTF is wrong with us?
I think that for 247 weeks we have wanted this hell to disappear.
Maybe someday. . .
Oy vey. I always keep a year's supply on hand, it seems. But I'm also on Seasonale, so I don't have a period very often. It's pure bliss. I have been wanting a divacup as well!
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say there is little or no way for me to relate directly to this post. So. No relations.
ReplyDeleteI forget all the time. I am irregular, so she shows when she feels like it.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wear the cups and such. I just can't... get them.....in... there. I have friends that LOVE the DIVA cup, tho.
I'm irregular so I usualy have too many tampons always thinking I ran out. I can never remember. At least your mom was all cheerful about it. I got mine at like 10pm and my mom was pissed cus she had to go out and get pads. What woman with a teenage daughter only keeps tampons in the house?? HaHa
ReplyDeleteAnd what is this diva cup? never heard of it.
OH my Gosh! I am dying laughing.
ReplyDeleteBecause, my mom did the same damn thing! Called everyone, toted me around to visit...are you SURE we're not twins?
LOL this happened to me once too and I was like WTF?! How did I NOT think of this like last week when I was at the store?!
ReplyDeleteI do that all the time. Get all emotional and have no idea why. Totally forget I need more and just saw some at the store the day before. You're making me want to calculate mine. I started VERY early.
ReplyDeleteI do the diva cup thing. Actually mine is the other brand, the moon cup, but from what I can see they're pretty much the same thing. It's awesome. It's never leaked, not even a teeny tiny bit. It's always there. I don't ever have to worry about it. Sorry I sound like a commercial for the thing, but I've had it for over a year now and it's the best thing I ever bought. Seriously. You know why I bought it? Because it's hard to get your kid up and dressed for school a half hour early so you can detour to the grocery store on the way because you forgot tampons.
ReplyDeleteWell, the guide mine came with actually advises waiting until you're halfway through your period to start using it (apparently it's easier to get the hang of when you're in "full flow" as it were. And now for really TMI? A tip. Fold it in half and then in half again, and squish it up teeny tiny. Much easier to put in that way. And that should gross out at least all the male readers.
ReplyDeleteThis post is hilarious in about a million different ways. I remember the giant "pillow pads" of old. (The ones that made your dad ask if you had grown at dinner because they propped you up two inches when you sat down). Also, picturing my dad trying to open a pass-in-class origami note made me laugh out loud. Look at the bright side, 1 mistake out of 247 menstrual cycles is still doing pretty good :)
ReplyDelete