I'm not really sure what to write. I worked out three times last week, and we got a 2km walk by the river in on Saturday, but only because I forced myself: the apathy isn't quite as strong as it was before, but my give a damn's still busted. I've been... okay with food, but haven't been as mindful as I was (and, again, just. don't. care.). I'm continuing to "force" myself to workout because a) I know I feel better when I'm done, b) it helps me feel a little more normal, and c) it's easier than dealing with the guilt trip and beating myself up I'll inevitably do if I skip said workout.
I started stacking my BCPs this past month; if I hadn't, I would have gotten my period on the 20th and been done around the 22nd. Instead, I've had this weird... half-spotting, half-really-light-period THING that started on the 22nd aaaaaand still doesn't seem to be completely done. As well, "normally" if I'm going to get a post-period IBS flare-up, it will happen around the Friday after my period finishes, and is usually (mostly) gone by the time work starts up again on the following Monday. Because of this weirdness, I started getting really gassy (for the record, when I say I'm really gassy, I mean pain, pressure, and stomach gurgle-noises, NOT farty - if I'm farty, I'll tell ya I'm farty... hehe), which got really painful (but that could have also been a mother-stress side effect).
I don't really know what else to say. I'm really not feeling this right now. I keep toying with taking a blogging break because my heart's not in it, but I'm worried it will be too hard to pick it back up (and sometimes it is cathartic for me to just purge my emo-word-vomit). I kind of feel guilty, though, because normally I write more often than I have been, but then the whole "you should write for YOURSELF, not your readers" argument kicks in. Bah. I'll write what I want when and if I feel like it, right?
I'd sure miss you if you took a break from blogging! But you gotta do what you gotta do. That being said, it would be hard to get back into it but if your "give a damn" ever gets fixed that would be motivation enough to go back to it. Hang in there and know you've got a huge mob of people rooting for you to feel good again. I'm at the front of the mob waving a firey (fiery?) club at you. :-) xxooxx
ReplyDeleteYou do whatever you need to do to get better. And if that means you have to take a break from bloggin, then take a little break. I'll miss you, as I'm sure a whole lot of us will. But more important to all of us is that you are able to get a handle on this and start feeling normal again. Depression is a bitch. The worst part about it is that it makes you feel hopeless, so you can't even imagine that someday you won't feel like this. But some day you won't, you CAN get better. It just takes time. If one medication doesn't seem to be working or is causing unpleasant side effects, try another. Call your doctor and tell him about these feelings. You can get through this. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteI kind of think about a break too. Then I think about moving to WP and changing my blog name so my mother in law can't stalk me anymore and make comments (which I delete). I don't know what to do, and I don't have the money to do it right, and... (you see where I"m going here...it's the slippery slope!)
ReplyDeleteI adore you. Always.