I logged into Twitter this morning and read from the bottom up, commenting as I went along, like I usually do. I found myself feeling... left out? How lame is that? And instead of jumping in and/or backing off and taking a little break, I'm still sitting here feeling like my grade six-self all left out and shit. Ridiculous.
I'm struggling with hunger/eating/snacking lately, and I don't give a shit again. I've either just barely been under my calories (according to LoseIt), or over every day this week. I am hungrier this week: it's not all emotional eating, but there is a very strong "who fucking cares?" vibe going on, too. To be fair, this is pre-period week*, so that could account for the increased hunger. As well, I've been more active this week (I've already completed four workouts) than I have been for a month, so that could be contributing as well.
I was on WiiFit last night and noticed a sizeable gain (well, for me, considering I haven't gained in a long time - a pound and a bit?). While my brain mentioned the things listed above, my... gut? heart? irrationality? spoke up with the "screw this: I'm eating cookies." And I did.
Money's been on my mind the past couple of days. I came back to work from vacation to a (very generous) surprise raise. The take-home pay calculator I've used for years that has always been very accurate seemed to steer me wrong, and my big, fat raise has worked out to be about $70 less than anticipated. Before anyone rolls their eyes at me, I'm NOT being ungrateful: if you've read me for any length of time, you're aware of how set my mind can get, so I've been trying to refocus on this new (still extra, so yay!) figure. The other part of it is that the more money we have, the more money we spend; and the more money we spend, the more I stress about money.
I've been weepy and irrational and moody since last weekend. Logically I know that this could very well be a hormonal/PMS thing*, but part of me is starting to worry that all of these things might be pointing to the anti-depressants not working as well as they were. On the one hand, this moody, cranky me is more "normal" to how I was before the depression (read: numbness and apathy) hit, but the couple of weeks I had where I was happy! and in a good mood! and felt less stressed! and more able to just manage! was GREAT and I kinda want to go back to THAT, not this. I'm a little concerned the "eh, fuck it" attitude has returned: case in point, Dawn called last night (we haven't talked since we went over there to visit at the beginning of October) and I declined the call. To be fair, Chebbar was still home and getting ready for work and I wanted to spend that 20 minutes with him before he left, but I had zero desire to talk (I still haven't called her back).
I've gone from a place of feeling happy and moderately in control and definitely less stressed, to cranky and edgy and anxious and stressy. For example, we're going to Costco tomorrow, which means I should get the Cipralex refilled; however, I'm thinking about the possibility of having to change anti-depressants and worrying about then having a) a useless prescription at home and b) wasting money. Oh, and of course there's the whole matter of having to actually SEE Dr. GP to discuss this and the subsequent worry of a) getting an appointment in a timely fashion AND b) taking more. time. off. work.
*The other thing that's got me a little skeptical of all of this being a temporary hormonal issue is this whole stacking of the birth control pills. How the hell does my poor body even know what it's supposed to do at this point? This is partially why I have the niggling doubt in the back of my mind that my moodiness is period-related: I haven't had a "proper" period since the end of August, so how does my body KNOW that next week I'll be taking a break from the active BCPs to be all normal-PMS-y this week? (If that makes sense.)
I know I should - and I will - wait a bit and see if my mood levels out, but I'm engaging in my preemptive worrying/stressing, and it's, well, stressing me out. Grrr and rawr.
ETA: I just called and booked an appointment with Dr. GP for Tuesday. I know that's not giving it much of "a bit," but Boss #3 (who backs me up on the phones when I'm not here) is on holidays starting Wednesday. I feel marginally better (again) just knowing that I can talk to her if I need to - if I'm feeling better come Monday, I'll cancel the appointment and wait "a bit" longer.
I've been feeling the say way all freaking week. Sorry you're dealing with it too, but kinda glad to know I'm not alone. (That is coming out sounding way more effed up than I mean it. You know?)
ReplyDeleteMost of the time, I'm pretty sure that no one even cares that I exist on Twitter or FB. I'm simply there to take up space. I hear you loud and clear. And I love you. SO much.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks to feel all sucky ... I know this all too well ...
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I know how you feel. I wrote about it this week too. I finally broke down and called my Dr. and got a script called in. My boyfriend who HATES walmart has already picked them up for me. That says a lot about how I've been acting right there.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about twitter and feeling like you don't belong too. I'm relatively new to blogging and even newer to twitter. I often times feel like there's this great group and I'm sitting on the outside looking in. I know it's bullshit but sometimes you just can't help the way you feel. So I keep commenting and replying. I have to say, and this is not just a compliment to try to make you feel better - I genuinely mean it, that you were one of the first ones to respond to me on twitter and that made me feel accepted. Thank you for that.
Oh, and about the raise and spending more when you make more. I get that too. If you use direct deposit, think about having the extra you get now sent directly to your savings account. If you don't see it you won't miss it. You're already used to living on what you made before the raise.
Oh honey. My heart hurts for you. I've had days where I've been so sad and weepy and I couldn't figure out why. Sometimes it's' hormones. Sometimes it's just life. I insist you keep taking your meds though. I'm sure they're working and I know it takes time for your body to get used to them. Maybe give them a bit longer before you decide? As far as dieting...ugh I feel you. If I gain a little...I feel like I wanna be done and go eat cookies too. But it also goes the other way where if I lose some I think i've earned it to go eat something bad. It's such a struggle and it's never easy. But I'm proud of you and I think you ARE a strong woman. Keep your chin up and this too WILL pass.
ReplyDeletexo
I get a "hollow leg" during PMS as well as the "frig it" attitude and I usually skip WW during that time. What's different is I (mostly) add exercise . Don't beat yourself up. Just try to plow through it. Not always easy.
ReplyDeleteIt might not seem like it but you are very in tune with yourself and that's a very good thing. You're listening to your body and the clues it's giving you and that's so important to finding a good balance. I'm so proud of you for 1) talking about everything and 2) for being proactive enough to know something might not be working for you. I think you're doing everything right and I want you to know how much I love you and respect you. You are amazing.....inside and out! Muah!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, big squooshy hugs...lots of them.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I'm thinking a lot of this is the fact that your body is out of whack because of the birth control. It makes sense. Just think about how a normal pms/period affects you. If you are stacking pills and messing up what your body thinks is 'normal', your body is going to get weird on you.
Don't stop the anti depressant! Even if you think it's not working, don't just stop it. I've seen that too many times. I'm glad you are following up with your doctor.
Hang in there ladycakes. It will get better. I promise.
Why wait? Screw it, go to the doctor and discuss your options.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Sending you positive thoughts.
Sending you big Aussie hugs and shoulder massages! Reckon there must be something in the air, water, alignment of the planets or something, 'cause I'm with you on feeling crappy!
ReplyDeleteMy eating is only making me feel worse though - so today I tried not to eat the biscuits that were calling me. Still feel crappy, but at least I'm not beating myself up over food!
Do you know what? I wish I could just wiggle my nose Samantha style (Bewitched) and take away our depression, anxiety, stressing ..... but when you take something away, there has to be something to fill the space. Think about what you will fill it with and feel relief even if it's only for 20 seconds! I'll do the same.......
I am feeling really the same as you! I have been sick now for over 4 weeks :( *big hugs*
ReplyDeleteI have felt the same as you about twitter for ages! I don't *feel* it anymore! people reply or even care what you post a lot less but talking to other twitter people they all feel like that too! its much more small clique groups and less big discussions and replies. Don't take it personally and just keep going cos sometimes I still meet great people on it and have great chats! just not as good as it once was! *hugs* hope things get better for you sweetie xx
Sounds like you are having a rough time lately. I know how it feels. I tend to eat and snack more when I'm stressed or PMSing.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the raise. Be happy with it, even if it's not as much as you would like. My hubby hasn't had a raise is almost 2 years. Stupid economy.