Tweet about it being cold outside?
"Oh, yeah? Well, it's negative eleventy-seven HERE, and that's not counting wind chill!"
Post to facebook that your grandma passed away?
"I know how you feel. My aunt's neighbour's cousin's forty-three-year old parakeet died yesterday, too. *sad face* "
And heaven FORBID you make the mistake of complaining about being sick, sad, tired, or any other physical malady, for (almost) everyone and their dog will tell you how much worse off they are!
(Obviously this isn't the case 100% of the time: I've had the pleasure of "meeting" some amazingly supportive people online.)
Don't get me wrong: I do my level best to not buy into the Hierarchy of Suffering* (excellent, amazing, AWESOME post by Megan of Velveteen Mind: please click through and read!). We all have bad days. We all need to vent at times. We all need to feel... heard, like someone actually gives a damn - it's why we continue to participate in the interwebz: for the connection.
What ever happened to compassion? To empathy? To understanding? To commiserating instead of trying to one-up (or one-down) someone? To simply saying "I'm sorry you're having a bad day/week/month/year and I hope it gets better soon"? To "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? To the Golden Rule and treating people the way we'd like to be treated? Has it gotten so hard to look past the end of our own narcissistic, self-involved noses that we're incapable of recognizing that someone we claim to view as a friend is having a rough time and is in need of support without needing to talk about ourselves?
The next time you get the urge to one-down someone, stop for half a second and ask yourself how you'd feel if the tables were turned. If you can, say something supportive and leave it at that: if you can't do that, say nothing at all - just move along. If you see a one-downer in action, maybe say something supportive to counter-balance the one-downer.
Not everything in life has to be a competition: don't let human interaction become one of those things.
*Edited to add: I feel the need to clarify the statement up there. When I said I do my best not to buy into the Hierarchy of Suffering, I meant personally - I never think in those terms where others are concerned because who the hell am I to judge what you're going through? I'm not you: I haven't walked in your shoes. However, I am bad at succumbing to the whole "I shouldn't be upset about this because so many people have it so much worse." So, uh, yeah. I don't know if anyone took it that way, but I just wanted to be clear that (yet again) it's a matter of being nasty to myself, not others.
Does that mean I can't tell you how many more people one-downmanship me than you? ;-D
ReplyDeleteI kid. This a great post, though. For reals. The 'woe is me' frame of mind seems to reach epidemic proportions some days.
Okay, I agree -- BUT I reserve the right to say to Americans that 0C is NOT cold. ;)
ReplyDeleteI was JUST talking about this, though.
A-freakin-men!
ReplyDeleteP.S. my sister's boyfriend's mom's cousin's bff's girlfriend's one upmanship is WAY more one upmanshippy than yours! :)
You said it, sister!
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with this post! I am with you on it 100%! I get so tired of people like that. You should check out my September post, "Perspective." We think so alike sometimes :)
ReplyDeleteHope you have a good day/night and if you're sick/sad/cold/haveadeadfamilymember I'm very sorry and hope it gets better soon ;)
Just mulling this over some more.
ReplyDeleteHere's a question for you... where is the line between commiserating/empathizing and one-upmanship?
Sometimes if someone's telling me about their situation or venting or whatever, I'll relate a personal experience - not to one-up, but to say 'been there. totally understand where you're coming from'.
So... at what point does that jump the line from empathy to competition? And does empathy get confused for one-upmanship sometimes if the topic is a sensitive one?
Excellent post. A friend and I were talking about this at work today, specifically about another co-worker. And now we have a name for her, "one-downer", and I thank you. I can stop calling her Sour Cow now. :) And I want to give Sassy a hug.
ReplyDeleteWhy do we do this? I mean, really. The one-upmanship I get, I really do. But the whole "my life is worse than yours"? It makes no sense.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to comment for a while now, but... really. I understand wanting to level the playing field, as in, you have a migraine. I had one that lasted a long time too! Let's talk about it, what worked for me, what's working for you, and what you could try next. But the whole "I had one that lasted longer than yours and it hurt worse and yours will never compare to mine so neener neener neener" just does NOT make sense. How is it productive in any way?
I vote the rest of the week should be NO-upsmanship week. We level the playing field. When someone hurts, we offer kind words. An "I'm sorry you're hurting", "Is there anything I can do?" or a simple "I'm here for you" will work just fine. Really. And if that's just too much? Walk away.
And those of us that have to deal with one-uppers? Shotguns. No, wait. I don't have that kind of bail money. Why not a hug for them, too. They obviously need it more than we do. And I like the idea of the rest of us stepping in. Show them how it's SUPPOSED to be done. Lead by example.
(Sorry for the post-jack. Just a bit...worked up on this one.)
OMG... LOL @ kick her in the taco. DYING. And? Be my guest. Ha.
ReplyDeleteI would gladly accept your hug. Thank you :) (and lol @ sour cow)
ReplyDeleteWell if you think THAT'S bad .... ;)
ReplyDeleteLove ya dollface!
Great post. I've let people know, before, gently, to not compare. In either direction, but the story that comes most readily to mind is some guys friends: "I got this cool can-dispensing fridge machine!" "We're going to get a kegerator!"
ReplyDeleteMe, later: "Dude, you didn't need to bring up the potential kegerator. Just be supportive & don't tell your own story sometimes."
Heh. But yeah, suffering. We all gots our shite to go through. ;p
*HUGS* to you -- and Sassy!
I'm not sure it's always a oneupmanship (or downmanship) thing. I think that sometimes it's an attempt to show the person being sympathized with that they're not alone - the others have had similar types of things happen to them - and that the expression of sympathy/empathy/whatever comes from a place of understanding. Sometimes. Not always. But sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry. For real. And I may ask you to delete my comment because it may sound all rambly and I normally don't say anything about this especially on a public forum, but here it goes.
ReplyDeleteThis struck a chord with me and I mean REALLY struck a chord. For as long as I can remember, my own mother has one-upped me and one-downed me. All.the.time.
We all have good days, bad days, meh days - whatever. And like you said, we ALL need to vent and get it out from time to time. Sometimes we need to shout from the roof tops that we've had some good news. We just want and NEED to be validated every now and again. It's normal. It's human. I like to think I'm someone who pays it forward to my friends and family. I have time for a friend if they need me, in good times and bad. I can put my own shit aside and be there. And I know there are people who I can count on to do the same. But my own mother? Nope.
When I got a certain job, I shared with her... and the first words out of her mouth were how SHE did a similar job. When I was going through testing with my special needs son, it was very stressful. Did she call me once during that time? NO. When it was over, and I finally spoke with her and told her all we had found out she ended up telling me about her "friend" who has a child way worse than my child - of course. No empathy or sympathy or compassion for me or her grandchild. If I'm sick, she's sicker. When my car was smashed because some asshole hit me, her crash (what crash??) was worse. Her ring is prettier than my ring. There are endless examples that I could share, but you get the point. I stopped sharing a long time ago. When you feel like it's a constant competition, it's just not even worth talking about.
Sweetie, if someone is/has done this to you, I'm sorry. You deserve to be heard and validated - whether your news is good or bad. One-upping and one-downing, blows. Hard.
Thanks for writing this. You did it beautifully. :)
I so try not to do it, and when I catch myself doing it, I hit myself in the throat. Does that help?
ReplyDeleteThe intertubes have been very humbling to me this week. This is the second time I've read a post about how other people think about something I do. I really make every effort to avoid one-upping people, but one-downing? Well, I'm pretty sure I do that. It's not because I want people to shut up, or anything like that. In my clumsy way, it is an attempt to empathize. I suspect it doesn't come across in the benevolent way I hope, though. Sometimes I can see it on someone's face. I mean, it would probably be better for me to say, "I'm sorry. How can I help?" or something like that, right? I am glad you posted this!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you guys. It's like making common ground, but we (and when I say we I mean I) have to remember to bring it back to the person that initiated the conversation. Meaning, "I'm sorry! We had to put our dog down last year and it hurt like a mofo... Is there anything I can do? Want to go for a drink, coffee, strip-club?" That's a lot different than going on for a half-hour about putting down your own dog. As long as we can remember to bring it back to the other person it's all golden.
ReplyDeleteI just seem to find those people that go on for hours about their dog that was put down 25 year ago and I have to take them out for coffee and listen... *sigh* It's, in my opinion, about listening. Making sure we remember that sometimes others just need a hug, a couple minutes of listening.
This unfortunately has gotten quite common.. And my husband is one of them. It sucks to be sick to only be told he's worse. I grew up with my GrandC**t as one of them. You had a baby - she did too and it was 3lbs heavier and she was in labor for x amt of hours more. I honestly can not stand people like that.
ReplyDeleteI do find myself though doing the empathize thing. The.. you have tummy issues, so do I.. what have you tried or I'm sorry *hugs* and I feel like sometimes it's trite or maybe someone does think I'm trying to do the one downsmanship.