The Plan

After a talk with Chebbar last night in which he repeated much of what you wise people have already suggested (yeah, sorry about that: sometimes I listen about as well as a brick wall), I've made a decision that, even as I write this, is being threatened by guilt.  I'm so caught up in the "shoulds" and the "shouldn'ts" and the "need tos" and the "have tos" that I can't see straight; I'm putting undue pressure on myself for things that really aren't THAT important (certainly not when I'm trying to get a handle on my mental health).  But I'm hoping that in letting go, things will get easier.

1. Workouts are off the table for now.  Again, I know (so please don't get up in my grill telling me how I just need! to go! for a jog!) that exercise would be beneficial to my moods and frame of mind, but right now, it just feels like far too much of an overwhelming chore that I can't wrap my brain around finding the energy/desire/time to do that it's causing me stress and anxiety.  I then fall into the self-loathing of "should" and "need" and that just messes me up further because boy, do I beat myself up for "failing."  This is probably the hardest part of the decision/plan, and the one I'm suffering the most guilt over because it feels like wussing out (I'm having a hard time figuring out the difference between cutting myself some slack and going overboard the other way to completely babying myself (giving myself permission to make excuses and not TRY HARDER)).  At the same time, I know that I can get back to where I was before because I've done it a couple of times now (and the desire to improve my physical health remains).
2. I'm going to continue using LoseIt to track what I'm eating because a) I need the stability of the routine and b) I don't particularly want to gain back everything I've worked (moderately) hard to lose.  That being said, again, I won't beat myself up if I eat a chocolate bar and/or go over my daily calories - I just want some semblance of accountability in my life in a way that is relatively non-invasive and doesn't feel like an obligation.
3. *deep breath*  I'm going to do my level best to make a CONSCIOUS EFFORT  to be kinder, gentler, and more loving to myself - to treat myself the way I would treat a loved one, to offer the same advice and comfort that I would a friend.  The biggie here is the highly-emphasized "conscious effort": it's not enough to just say I'm going to do it (because lord knows that hasn't worked thus far) - I have to consciously try to be better to me.  I deserve it, right?  (I know this can be done (albeit likely harder) because I've been successful at reframing my aggression, frustration, and road rage during my afternoon commute by thinking about it in a different way.)
4. Relatedly, when I find myself getting hot and bothered (and no, not in a good way: THAT kind of hot and bothered seems to have dried up with the antidepressants *snort*) or aaaaangry, I'm going to try to stop and ask myself if I'm really mad, what I'm really mad about, and if it merits being pissed off.  See above re: reframing mindset.  
5. I'm going to try to remove the "shoulds" and "needs" and "have tos," or at the very least, take a long, hard look at WHY I think I "should" do something and if it's really necessary, or just my perfectionism/high expectations of myself talking.  I'm also going to find a word to replace "normal" so I can maybe stop worrying about what normal is/looks like/will be.  
6. Most importantly, I'm going to do my best to cut myself some slack, go easy on myself, and just let myself BE.  Heal.  Recuperate.  Get my head back on straight.  Do all the stuff all of you have been telling me to do all along.  ;)

This isn't going to be easy, and I know that, but just giving myself permission to not try so bloody hard is relieving.