An update and a request

Chebbar usually calls me during the day - not always, but generally speaking.  When I kissed him as he lay sleeping before I left yesterday morning, he surprised me by speaking; at the end of the short conversation, I asked if he'd call me later and he nodded.

As the day wore on, I started to wonder if I would hear from him.  I didn't call him because I didn't want to bother him: he had mentioned working on his correspondence stuff and I didn't really have anything to say, I just wanted to hear his voice.  After the struggles he had before work on Monday, I thought for sure I'd hear from him before he left for work.  At 2:15 I sent him a text message telling him I hoped he had a good day and that I loved him.  Nothing.

Walking out to my car after work, I had this... feeling come over me, and I thought to myself "Oh, fuck.  I bet he didn't even go in to work.  I bet he's at home, and THAT'S why he hasn't called me."  Imagine my surprise dismay when I pulled into the parking lot to see his car parked where it was when I left for work.  Honestly?  I had an overwhelming urge to turn around and drive away.  To where, I don't know; I only know that in that moment, I just didn't want to have to deal.

He poked his head into the kitchen after I walked in, expecting to scare me.  My emotions were reined in tightly, but oh-so-close to busting loose.  He did call in "sick"; he did play dumb when I asked why he hadn't called; he did hold me tightly when I lost hold of said emotions and burst into tears.  You see, I had pretty much just gotten off the phone with our account manager at the bank, and the remortgaging that will take care of his car payment and our credit card debt was going to result in a larger mortgage payment than we had initially anticipated.  So all of a sudden, we were back to needing more money than we thought.  (Also?  I'M NOT ALLOWED TO MATH WITHOUT A CALCULATOR EVER AGAIN.)  He told me that he hadn't quit - yet.  However, he had another episode pretty much upon waking.

We talked.  More.  Again.  We do a lot of that (thank Ceiling Cat).  I pulled out my budget notebook and laid down the numbers for him in black and white.  We realized that, really - unless we want to cut health insurance - the only place we can cut back is groceries, which is fine because we overspend as it is (at least $600/month for the two of us, and that doesn't include dining out).  He told me about his concern regarding finishing his correspondence in time to start at the university for the fall semester, and how he thinks he might have to put it off to the winter (2011) semester.  He told me that, if that's the case, he'd like to find a full-time job for the next eleven months.  He promised me that he's committed to finding another job, that he'll apply everywhere, that he'll take anything, that he won't let me down.  (Heart go oof.)

He called me this morning after he quit.  He sounded lighter.  I'm kind of... numb?  I just keep swimming.  Heh.  We'll be okay: we have enough in savings to cover the shortfall for about six months.  I put the call out to the Twitterverse last night and got some excellent tips from some lovely ladies that will serve us well.  That being said, we could always use more!  So, your favourite frugal shopping/cooking tips/websites/blogs: HIT ME!  (Just as an aside, we're in Canada, so we might not have some of the grocery stores you might.  :)  )

I feel like a fraud

Oh, hi.  Remember me?  Yeah, I kind of dropped off the face of the blogsphere after my last post.  Unfortunately, this past week and a bit has left me feeling like something of a fraud after said post.  As the reality of what was going to happen (again) started to set in, I started feeling more and more overwhelmed, which resulted in more and more withdrawing.  It's what I do: when I need support the most, I shut down and shut people out.

I started feeling more and more overwhelmed as last week went on; even though I didn't realize it at the time, I was trying to really wrap my head around the fact that Chebbar won't be around as much now that he's working.  I also had some... issues with chores that I didn't realize until it came to a(n ugly) head on Sunday.

Long, ugly, private story short, suffice it to say there was some of this,

...as well as some honest and heartfelt discussion, number crunching, a request for an extension on his correspondence course, and a resolution to find Chebbar a different job (he is highly unhappy because they misrepresented what the job would entail).

I hate not being able to fix this for him.  I hate that I can't make it better.  I hate that I can't alleviate any of his stress or worry.  I hate that I feel so helpless and useless and scared and worried and completely overwhelmed.  I feel like a balloon filled to capacity sitting thisclose to a pin.

We'll be okay.  We'll get through this, one way or another.  It's just hard to keep that in sight when everything feels so fucktastically shiteous.

It's all about the little touches

I was poking around the forgotten (by me) Stylehive (what happened to the weekly what's-hot/new emails?) and picked some random accessories I had "hived" that caught my eye, just because they're pretty.  Yeah, that's how I roll, yo.

Real Spider Web Designed Butterfly Pendant and Chain - $34.99

This necklace by RoyalPrincess is made from real butterfly wings.  I can't decide if that's cool or creepy.  I'm kind of leaning towards creepy-cool...  Yeah.

Epershand Necklace - $26

I don't consider myself a writer, nor am I a lover of fonts, but something about the curls and curves of this pendant speak to me.  (Isette)

Blue & Brown Leaves Hand-Painted Wooden Bangle Bracelet - $34

I had originally bookmarked a different colour variation of Amy987's bangle bracelet, but it was sold out, and I like to try to post active links when possible.  She has tons of gorgeous colour combinations - I'd be hard-pressed to choose just one.

Melancholy Lashes - $28

The original necklace by Untamed Menagerie on Style Hive was black, but I think I like this slightly more subtle (yet equally stunning) brushed steel version.

John Galliano Satin and Suede Lattice Sandals - $1,180

I'd never be able to afford them (much less WALK in them), but these are some damned sexy shoes!

Maria Swirly Silver Cuff Bracelet - $29

Apparently I'm digging the swirly, cut-outs today.  Love this piece, although at 8cm long, it might look a little silly on my short arms.

Change is afoot

If you were on Twitter on Friday afternoon (and you follow me, obvs (and if you're not, why not?!?  KIDDDDDING!)), you saw my frustrated tweet regarding Chebbar making me wait until I got home from work (FOUR. HOURS.) to tell me if he was offered the job he interviewed for on Thursday, followed very shortly by a HE GOT IT! HE GOT IT! HE GOT IT! tweet.

So, uh, yeah.  Chebbar got a job on Friday!  :D

It's part time at a gas station, but!  (Why do I feel like I have to justify his job?  That's crap.)  They already employ a number of students, so they're totally willing and able to work around his schedule once he starts school in the fall.  This will ultimately work better for him - assuming this job is a good fit - because he won't have to look for a new job come September: full time would've been great for the bank account for the next six months, but look at how the poor guy struggled to find work over the past seven months: de doesn't need to go through that again while he's attempting school work for the first time in years.

We have an appointment with the bank on Friday to see about doing some... "juggling" that will lessen our expense load to the point that what he'll be bringing in can almost completely be chucked into savings.  The weight that has been lifted from our shoulders is monumental; I feel lighter than I have in a long, long time.

The *only* remotely small down side to Chebbar's new job is that he'll likely be working every weekend (at least, that's his understanding at this point in time: we're not sure if they'll rotate the schedule a bit so he's not stuck working EVERY weekend).  However, they're only open until 4:30, so it's really not a huge deal.  They're also only open until 9pm, so no graveyards (yay!).  But again, that will work great with his future school schedule, since classes are very rarely offered on weekends (around here, anyhow).

It is going to be very strange to not be able to call him whenever I feel like it during the day, and for him to not be there when I get home from work every night; however, I'll get used to it, much like I did when he was working graveyards/shift work at his last job (that job saw him out of the house for 15 hours a day with the commute).

There are good changes, too.  All of a sudden, that cold, hard reality of having to cut right back on everything isn't quite so dire.  Don't get me wrong: we're not gonna start living high on the hog again and frittering away the money we could be saving.  However, we don't necessarily have to entertain the idea of ramen and KD for the next three years.  I know this is going to be a boost to his self-esteem, because he's taken the whole lay-off/EI/not getting call-backs very hard: he is rather old-fashioned in his ideals in that HE should be taking care of ME, and not the other way around (as well, there has been mention of thoughts of us being in this boat *because* of him, which guts me).  And perhaps best of all, this all finally feels like a reality - like school's not just a pipe dream anymore: my beloved is going to take advantage of this opportunity and obtain higher education to give himself - to give us - a better future.  I can't even begin to tell you how proud of him I am and how honoured I am that I get to share this journey with him.

VD Day!

Ah, Valentine's Day.  Love it or hate it?

Me, I'm kind of in the middle.  I will fully admit that I was that hypocritical asshole who hated it with a fiery passion when single, only to change my tune when I found myself not-single.  To be fair, I had been alone for 29 Valentine's Days before I met Chebbar.  Seriously!  I sucked at the relationship thing.  (But obviously not well enough.  BA-DA-BUM)

Our first Valentine's Day together was pretty eventful:  he bought me my first "real" piece of jewellery (that didn't come from my parents); we went for a very fancy dinner that involved a dress and FMBoots for me and shirt-and-tie for him; and we moved him in the next day.  (Heh, I just realized that it totally sounds like "WHOA!  That was awesome.  Here, come live in my bed with me!"  It had been discussed months before, and planned for over a month, swears.)

Our second Valentine's Day consisted of another nice meal and mushy cards.

This year will be a little different.  Chebbar's not back to work yet and his EI will run out soon, so we're doing our very best to make MAJOR changes and cut out discretionary spending (including meals at restaurants).  It will be pretty low-key (in fact, in a stunning display of WTF-timing, we both have dentist appointments on Sunday.  Due to lapses in coverage, we haven't been in about a year.  Yeah, THAT'S gonna be fun!).  I'm planning on making a decent meal (I'm thinking chicken parm at this point) and a nice dessert (no clue yet, other than chocolate) without breaking the grocery budget.  I'm a little sad that there won't be mushy cards, but that's okay: I get to spend the day with the man I love, and that's good enough for me.

I know that the Valentine's Day debate is split pretty evenly down the middle, but once again I'm gonna be the wishy-washy fence-sitter.  I do think it's an overwrought commercial holiday that likely causes a lot of hurt feelings and dashed expectations.  And we do show/tell each other we love one another every day.  But it's kinda nice having an excuse to step it up a little.  <3

Colour me FLABBERGASTED

(Because, seriously: with the eleventy-hundred count boxes, I'm sure Crayola has that colour.  If not, they SHOULD.)

Chebbar had an appointment with a guy through the employment center today.  I'm not 100% sure what this guy's job title is: I think he's some kind of head-hunter/career counselor dude.  Basically, he looked over Chebbar's list of jobs he's applied for, told him that his resume looks good, and assured him that he's not the reason he's not getting calls/interviews/job offers (apparently his three calls in seven months is GOOD: this guy has other clients who haven't gotten ANY callbacks *shakes head* but the recession is over... yeah RIGHT).

One of the things Chebbar asked about was his attire.  You see, Chebbar is very particular and meticulous about how he dresses for an interview: when WE were in school (*cough*uphill both ways*cough*), we were taught that you AL.WAYS. dressed professionally; Chebbar wears dress pants, a dress shirt, a tie, and dress shoes when he goes to an interview.  Hell, he dresses like that if he's dropping off a resume.  In his opinion, taking pride in his appearance would show that he takes the job/interview/interviewer seriously.

However.  Dawn had given Chebbar a heads-up regarding a job fair where she works back in January.  The week before said job fair, she had him come in with his resume to meet her supervisor (as a long-term, valued employee, Dawn had been asked if she knew anyone that might be looking for work (and was hard-working, reliable, blah blah blah)); he went in, and apparently her supervisor was extremely impressed with him, going so far as to put his resume on the manager's desk with instructions to speak to herself or Dawn about Chebbar.  He still had to go to the job fair the following Saturday, which he did with shirt and tie firmly in place.

When he came home three hours later, he told me - gob smacked - of the people in line in nothing better than dirty sweat pants and denim tuxedos.  He thought the interview had gone well, and figured with Dawn as a reference, the job was a lock.  The three day waiting period turned into a week... then two...  Dawn would call to find out if we'd heard anything and trying to reassure Chebbar with the fact that not ALL of the hiring was done yet, and getting increasingly annoyed that they hadn't taken her suggestion to heart.  Of course, Chebbar felt pretty damned bad about himself considering, again, the "competition" and his glowing recommendation from Dawn.

In trying to figure out WHY they passed him over, Dawn did mention his attire, saying that *maybe* he was too well-dressed for a temporary reno job?  Buh, wut?  Chebbar and I both chuckled, shook our heads, and dismissed that notion as ridiculous.

However.  (Yes, again: shut it.)

The head-hunter/career counselor dude told Chebbar today that the job market has relaxed considerably, and that the polo shirt Chebbar was wearing today was more than appropriate for a job interview.  O_O  Apparently, "office culture" is more laid-back now, and unfortunately, a prospective employer could look at Chebbar and think he wouldn't be a good fit (too serious? too uptight? too much competition? heh).

Totally shocked.

But at the same time, rather annoyed: you KNOW that the same wouldn't hold true for women, that if we went into an interview in a collared T-shirt and capris, we'd be dismissed without a second's hesitation.  At least, I feel that the jobs I've interviewed for in the past would have gone a lot differently if I hadn't dressed professionally.  What a crock.

HYC: Week 6

This past week was a good one!  I got in five days of activity (twice on Tuesday, so six?), including Wednesday, even though Chebbar decided to sit out walking (I didn't walk by myself - it's still too dark for that - but I did get on the WiiFit for half an hour).  My water intake was good, and my food choices weren't too bad.  Well, for the most part, anyhow: last Thursday and Friday I think I was feeling the hormonal effect of my pending TOM, which left me feeling cranky.  Because I soothe with food, I didn't eat the veggies with my lunch or the fruit with my afternoon snacks that day (however, I didn't over-eat/eat crap, because I only had what I brought with me).

It's... confusing? confounding? mind-boggling? to be consciously aware of the thought process that goes "Hmpf.  I'm bitchy and cranky and moody and I'm not gonna EAT that stuff!"  WHO does my brain think I'm "showing"?  Seriously!  In all fairness, I wasn't feeling as hungry those days as the previous days, but still - I knew I was pretty much sabotaging my own efforts at eating healthier.  It just... gah.  However!  Didn't dwell on it then, and not gonna dwell on it now: picked myself up, ate decently over the weekend, and made a concerted effort to ensure I ate all my fruits and vegetables yesterday (success).   

I've also been thinking a bit about my "weigh-ins": because my intention is to focus on healthy living/eating/activity, I'm going to be corny and start calling them Progress Checks instead.  Heh.

Aunt Flo arrived last night.  I'm now anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Pile of Gastrointestinal Suck (PoGS) - seriously, I'm spending time trying NOT to think about it so I don't worry.  Talk about an exercise in futility, especially considering there's nothing I can do to prevent it anyhow.  *sigh*  Cross your fingers for me that it doesn't come back?  Actually, wait: don't.  I'm not sure that having a serious "mystery" illness up and go away is for the best - lord KNOWS the doctors won't do anything to pursue an explanation if I'm symptom-free (and it's been scary enough (especially coupled with my family history) that I don't want to remain in the dark).  Blarg.

ETA:  I forgot!  I've been tracking my food every. single. day. in order to hopefully determine a pattern if the PoGS comes back.  I'm also tracking the weather, my mood, how much sleep I got, how much water I drank, and how much activity I had.  It's kinda cool, and I'm glad I'm back at it.  :)

Did I ever tell you about the time I burned my cooter?

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Chibi and a boy named Chebbar.  Chebbar loved pizza.  Chibi loved Chebbar.

They had ordered a pizza from [somewhere Chibi can't remember] for the eleventeenth time with a side of cinnamon bread sticks.  Said bread sticks came with a wonderful cream cheese icing/dipping sauce.  They ate their fill of pizza and decided to save the bread sticks for breakfast the next morning.

The sun rose the following day, lighting the living room where Chibi and Chebbar sat side-by-side on the couch watching something ridiculously boring like sports highlights educating on the television.  In a flash of sheer genius, Chibi had reheated the dipping the sauce in the microwave-box and had it balanced on her left knee between her and Chebbar for ease of dipping.

In a flash of sheer stupidity, Chibi had her piping! hot! cup of tea balanced precariously on her right knee.  When the phone rang and she moved to answer it, she sent the entire BIG mug of boiling liquid straight into her lap and directly onto her... precious flower.

She sucked in all the air as quick as it left her lungs: all she could do was motion all flappy-handed at a confused Chebbar who wasn't sure why she wasn't answering the phone and why she sounded like a balloon with a slow leak, as she panted out "Move. The icing. NOW!"  (Even in her potentially blistering state, the dumb ass was worried about making a mess with the icing.  *face palm*)  She then got up, tore her sleep pants from her person (which, in hindsight, she realizes was NOT a smart move), and RAN bare-assed down the hall, even though all the blinds on all the windows were open.

Poor Chebbar, confused by her strange and likely libido-dampening strip-tease, followed her into the bathroom to inquire if she was okay.  He found her standing, legs akimbo, with a dripping wet washcloth pressed to her Lady Bits as tears streaked down her face.

He kind of looked like this:  O_O

She was eventually able to choke out what had happened.  He was suitably concerned since his personal playground had potentially been closed for business she could be seriously injured, and insisted she move the cloth for closer examination.  Luckily, the Pleasure Palace was just very, very pink.

The best part of the story, however, was when Chibi told her mom about the incident over the phone, choosing to use the term cooter - a term Mommy had not heard before.  A term that went on to send Mom into such paroxysms of breath-taking-coughing-choke-laughter, Chibi was worried her charred cooch was going to give Mom a heart attack.  (Now, all Chibi has to do is say "Cooter!" to Mom to make her howl.)

Aaaaand they lived happily ever after!  Even Chibi's cooter.

THE END.

Yellow-bellied, lily-livered, chicken sh*t

Well, they've done gone and called me out.  The ladies over at Girl Talk Thursdays want to know what I'm too afraid to try and/or do.  *sigh*

FIIIIINE.

I am too much of a chicken shit to try an aqua fit class (by myself).  I have an intense loathing for walking into a situation where there is a group of people while I am alone (I was TONSAFUN when meeting friends at the bar *eye roll*).  Being an inherent perfectionist, trying anything new makes me rather pukey and fills me with The Anxiety (what if I do it WRONGGGGG?  *gnashes teeth* *rends hair*).  Oh, and have I mentioned that I haven't been seen in a bathing suit since 2003?  YEAH.

Bok bok bok!

I have food... issues, mostly texture-related.  See also: if I think it might be gross, it will never cross my lips (*cough*sushi*cough*).  To date, I've never tried sushi, avocado (and guacamole, obviously), veal, "fancy" cheeses (read: anything more adventurous than Cheddar, Jack, Swiss, Mozza, and Parm), and many other foods I'm sure I've conveniently blocked from my memory.

Bok bok bok!

I've never made soup.  It intimidates me.  Not soup from a can, jerk: home-made from SCRATCH soup.  People assure me that it's easy, but I worry I'll screw it up somehow (see above).  HOWEVER!  My goal this year is to make soup.  Also?  Bread.  For reals.

Bok!

I am generally too much of a chicken shit to instigate confrontation (unless it's with someone "safe," like Chebbar, for example).  I'm always conflicted because I want to know WTF the issue is, but I'm scared to hear the answer - what if it's more than just "Meh, I've been busy" and I've actually done something wrong?!? *chews nails*  Obviously, this made growing up with my mom's week-long silent treatments far more difficult than they were for my sister (who would march up to Mom and demand to know, well, WTF her problem was... heh - she's always been ballsy).

BOK BOK BOK!

ETA: I thought of another one!
I'm fine swimming in the deep end of a pool even though I can't touch the bottom, because I can SEE the bottom.  In a lake?  I'm only going in as far as my feet will touch.  I was SO afraid of being horse-play-dumped into the lake in high school, I'd stay on the beach while everyone else walked the docks.

What are YOU too scared to try/do? 

Interview with, well, um... myself

The lovely Katie of Why Bother? tagged me for this meme and since I'm a rampant meme whore, I figured I'd oblige.

Apparently I have to answer five questions with five answers, and then tag five people...

Question 1:Where were you five years ago?
1. Same town
2. Different home
3. Different job
4. Different car
5. Single

Question 2: What is (was) on your to do list today?
1. Safety book (not done: wrist acting up & didn't have my brace at work)
2. Contact family about Mom's birthday cake (done)
3. Bitch and moan (done and done *wink*)
4. Walk (not done, but WiiFitted instead (is so a word: I said so))
5. Complete this meme

Question 3: What five snacks do you enjoy?
1. Apples
2. Yogurt
3. Grapes
4. Cheese strings
5. Granola bars

Question 4: What five places have you lived?
1. Here
2. There
3. Everywhere
4. There again
5. Here again

Question 5:What five things would you do if you were a billionaire?
1. Buy a house
2. Take care of family
3. Travel
4. Get a dog or six
5. Buy new clothes (LOTS of new clothes) - ditto

Um, I'm not sure who to tag, so if you've read this far, consider yourself tagged.  YOU'RE IT!  :P

HYC: Week 5

Yesterday was my monthly weigh-in and measuring day: the results were... mixed.  The "bad" news is that I gained 0.9lbs; however, the good news is that I did lose 1" overall (did lose 1.5" off my waist, but gained an inch back in the bewbs, etc).  Here, I'll show you...  *deep breath*

("Waist" is the measurement right above my belly button; "gut" is the belly fat below my belly button.)

I know where I went "wrong."  The last two weeks of January involved my mysterious health issue(s), family emergencies, and the associated stress: we walked a grand total of four times in the past 14 days.  Not cool.
As well, Aunt Flo will visit next week, so that might be skewing my weight a smidgen. 

Now, since my focus is meant to be on health and well-being, I'm proud of the fact that I still seem to be building muscle/reducing fat - that I've lost EIGHT INCHES since September (again, not great for some, but great for me); I'm eating better than I have in a long time; and even if we haven't been doing great with keeping up with it, we are more conscious of our need for exercise.  As well, I'm feeling more... at peace with my body.  Don't get me wrong: I'm not all of a sudden 100% satisfied with my size/shape/fitness level.  However, I'm recognizing my body for it is - strong, dependable (mostly), and the only one I have.  This is good.  I've experienced this shift in mind-set before, and it helped me lose 25 pounds and gain a level of fitness (never mind self-satisfaction) that I don't think I'd ever felt before.  For me, the mental aspect is almost the most important aspect, and possibly the biggest hurdle.  I just need to get back into the Enjoying Exercise groove, and we're good!

I finished "Do I Look Fat in This?" by Jessica Weiner (very thought-provoking: I want to give it its own blog post soon) recently, and am currently reading a book on intuitive eating.  They both leave me with a lot to... chew on (pun intended).  However, I find myself feeling really conflicted when I see tweets or read blogs that are the polar opposite.  And when I'm having a particularly bad day, I can't help but wonder how these people would JUDGE me if they saw me eating a cookie while their stomachs rumbled as they pounded out another 500 calories on the treadmill - I can find myself feeling inadequate and like I'm not trying hard enough.  But then I remember that I have to do this in the way that's best for ME, and if others judge me for that, it says far more about them than it does about me.

Much as I've lamented before, there's SO much contradictory information out there on every topic you can imagine, that it's hard to know what to believe and what to discard.  As well, when you're in the very tentative process of forming fragile new ways of thinking, it can be disconcerting to feel that the opinion you felt relatively strongly about three minutes ago has been shaken to its core.  At least *I* do - maybe most people are secure enough in themselves to pick a stance and stick with it, regardless of what they read/see/hear.  It has left me feeling like I need to unfollow people on Twitter and stop reading certain blogs at times.  Anyone else experience this?  How did you handle it?