When saying "no" doesn't work

Warning

This post involves sexual harassment I experienced at the hands of a former co-worker.  

This incident has been weighing heavily on my mind since a conversation I had on Twitter with NonaNelson about sexual harassment in the work place.  With my post going up at Violence Unsilenced on Tuesday, I think it's time to get this one off my chest, too. 

When I was 20 or so, I was in my fourth year at Big Box Retailer and working as a cashier supervisor.  Eric was few years older than me; he did double-duty as the Home Entertainment cashier and stock person.  He also had "grand aspirations" to be a loss prevention officer and "played" at that job when he should have been at his post.  Other than the little interaction that occurred when I'd have to take him cash for his till or do a register adjustment, we really didn't talk at all.

There was one incident in which, at store closing, it came out that he'd be walking home in the pouring rain.  Being the softy that I am famous for, I offered to give him a ride home: it was on my way and I had done it for numerous other co-workers - no big deal.  He exclaimed over my "fancy" car (really, REALLY wasn't), thanked me for the ride, and that was that.

Or so I thought.

After that, things seemed to... shift and change.  He'd make cracks to his buddies (in front of me/loud enough for me to hear/for my benefit) like "Oh, Chibi wants me.  She just doesn't know it yet..." or "Chibi's coming home with ME tonight.  To MY bed."  O_O  Every. Single. Time. he'd make a crack like that, I'd joke it off in a derisive tone of voice, saying stuff like "Not in this lifetime," "You wish," and so on.

I honestly didn't think much of it until one Sunday night when I was trying to get the mall checkouts shut down.  I was dealing with one cashier when Eric and one of his buddies walked up.  To this day, I have no idea what he said - he was playing to his "audience" - but I had retorted with something suitably snotty.  Before I knew it, he had me pulled up against him, my side to his front, gripping me TIGHTLY around the waist as he ground himself into my hip, whispering "You know you want me."

I yanked out of his grasp, looked him dead in the eye, and told him that the only reason my knee wasn't in his crotch was because I was wearing my uniform and that he was to never touch me again.  He and his buddy laughed and walked away.  I was a little shaken, but more embarrassed (like it was somehow MY fault) and pissed off.  The cashier stood there wide-eyed, watching as I angrily shoved money into the cash bag.

I'm not sure at which point I clued in to what had happened: I was just sexually harassed.  Hell, according to the Criminal Code of Canada, I was just sexually assaulted.  Granted, it wasn't to the extent that most people think of when they hear the term, but at the end of the day, he applied force of a sexual nature without my consent.

When I got home, I told Mom what had happened.  She was LIVID - I honestly don't know how I convinced her not to call the police.  (Why?  Because in my mind, it wasn't "that" big of a deal: it's not like he "hurt" me or anything... )  She informed me in no uncertain terms that I'd be telling the Human Resources Manager the following day.  

The next day, I went in early and asked to speak privately to both the store manager and the HROM.  I explained what had happened and got... nothing.  They hardly reacted at all.  The HROM asked me to write out an account of what had happened and to be "discreet" about the incident: they'd handle it.  I did as asked, making sure to give a copy to Mom "just in case" (in case of what, I don't know, but that's where my head went).

Things went downhill after that.  I found out that I was the THIRD woman he'd spoken to/touched inappropriately (fourth, if you count the naive 16-year old he sweet talked, knocked up, then tried to force to terminate the pregnancy).  The Friday after it happened, I was in the store doing some shopping (I was trying to find a bra, for the sake of context) and was walking towards the fitting rooms when I saw him coming towards me down the aisle.  I diverted to the next aisle over because I didn't want him to see what I had in my hands.  He figured out what I was doing and was able to block the end of the aisle as I got to it.  He stood there, smirking at me, as I asked him to please move.  When he didn't move, I repeated myself louder.  When he STILL didn't move, I YELLED at him to get the fuck out of my way and shoved him as hard as I could.  As I RAN for the fitting rooms, he started yelling after me about how he just wanted to talk and I was blowing this out of proportion.  The last thing he said as I disappeared into one of the cubicles?  I'd be sorry for this.

Luckily for me, I had a witness.  The girl who was working the fitting rooms that night came into the women's side, knocked on the door, and asked if I was okay.  I told her what had happened leading up to this; she told me she'd tell the store manager what she'd seen and heard.

That night, I was supposed to go out with my friends.  I really didn't feel up to it, but I went anyhow because I just wanted to have a good time.  We went to the local bar (small town = one bar) where, unfortunately, Eric was with his buddies.  He kept walking past with a menacing look on his face, getting closer and closer until the third time he damn near bumped into me.  When the group I was with asked what was going on, I told them.  When a nice girl tells a bunch of girlfriends, they're suitably horrified and offer comfort; when a nice girl tells a bunch of male friends, they get pissed and storm off to teach the slime ball a lesson.  It got to the point that one of Eric's buddies cornered me and a girlfriend coming out of the washroom, begging me to "call off" my friends before they killed Eric (he was a tiny, short little puke: my four male friends weren't).  I told him that if he could control Eric and keep him away from me, I'd do my best, but I really had no control over what the guys did. 

I went into the store the next day - my day off - to tell the HROM what had happened, both in the store while he was working, and at the bar.  I was pissed off that this was now spilling into my private life AWAY from my job, and frankly rather scared.  He was "spoken to," but that consisted of a "Don't do that again!" and a slap on the wrist.  He walked around even cockier after that.  (Mom happened to be in the store not long after this and, after watching him smirk at me as he walked past, had to be physically restrained to prevent her from going after him.)

Not long after that, the store manager was transferred.  The new manager was barely out of high school and more interested in being pals with the male staff than acting like a manager.  When I filled him in on what had happened, I basically got a "Just calm down" response because him and Eric now partied together on weekends.  Eric was so despicably cocky that I refused to work with him: I'd work the same shifts, but if he needed ANYTHING by way of supervisor assistance, it wasn't going to be me.

Eventually he was forced to quit (he was "playing" loss prevention office when he should have been in Home Entertainment, chased a customer out to his vehicle, harassing him the whole way when the customer had nothing on him, and ended up getting bit in the ass (yes, literally) when the customer opened his door and unleashed his dog on Eric.  The customer demanded Eric be fired, or he'd sue.  Eric was given the chance to quit first, so he did.), but some how ended up getting a job as mall security, so he was in the store all the time and cockier than ever, since MY "protection" (read: management) had no control over him anymore.  Our LPO told another employee that he brought Eric into the store and walked him past me on purpose because he thought my (visceral) reaction was "funny."  When this employee told me this piece of information, I stormed into the HROM's office and told her that if she didn't put a stop to it, I was walking out right then and there.  She spoke to the LPO and told him that Eric was NOT to come into the store unless LPO needed the assistance with an apprehension.

Eventually he moved to another mall, then to another town after he caused a near-riot when half the female staff found out Mr. Casanova was sleeping with ALL of them.  I have no idea where he is now.

To this day, thinking of him makes my skin crawl.  I shudder to think of what could have happened had he caught me alone at/outside the bar that night.  I kick myself for NOT calling the police: I should have.  For YEARS I'd start to hyperventilate when he came around: my hands would shake, my heart would pound, and I'd have to fight back tears with all I had.  

I don't really know why, but for some reason, this incident hit me far harder than the entire 18 months with Matt.  I think maybe it's because this felt more violating because I wasn't a willing participant like I was in that train wreck of a relationship: I had no control over the situation and was completely at the mercy of this twisted little man.  It *still* makes me sick to my stomach when I think of it, and it's been over ten years since it happened.  I hate him for putting that fear in me, for making me afraid.

Cubicle toys for good girls and boys

Every once in awhile I'll catch a glimpse of someone's workspace - in person, via a picture, on TV - and I think about how boring the space I spend 40 hours a week is.  Sure, I have my requisite pictures of Chebbar and Wyatt up, and my Hoops & Yoyo annoying funny talking mug on my desk, but other than that?  BOOOOORIIIIING.  I think I need some fun stuff to liven up the joint...

Instant Excuse 8-Ball $7.98

This version of the Magic 8-Ball comes with TWENTY convenient excuses!  With everything from "abducted by aliens" to "Mexican food," Instant Excuse has ya covered.

Collector's Edition Slinky $7.99

Who doesn't love Slinkies?  Well, at least until you tangle the hell out of them and render them inoperable...  What, just me?

Inanimate Character Stickers $3.99

Okay, I know: my dork is showing.  Whatevs.  I would LOVE these to stick on, well, everything in my office!

Mini Tape Gun $6.29

Dudes!  How cool is this?!?  Wait: dork's showing again, isn't it?  *siiiiigh*

Stressed Out Man Stress Ball $2.99

A man all tied up in knots?  A man I can pretend is my boss a client Chebbar some random dude I don't know AND can crush in my mighty fists of steel?  AWESOME.

Violence Unsilenced

The amazing Maggie of Okay, Fine, Dammit created Violence Unsilenced as a safe place for people to tell their stories.  Mine is up today.  

HYC: Week 30

Not a lot to report for this past week: I was on track every day food-wise (although I could have made a better effort where my water intake is concerned, especially considering how hot it's been).  I only got in four days of "intentional" exercise (planned workouts).  I ended up taking yesterday off, even though I'd planned on working out, because my body just wasn't having it - my back was really achy by the time I got home from work (period-related, I think), so I decided to listen and take it easy.  I'll be back at it tonight.

I posted pictures of the dresses I ordered for the weddings on Saturday, so take a look and let me know what you think!

Selective amnesia?

That's the ONLY explanation I can think of.

When I got my period - two months to the day before my 13th birthday - I was living with Dad.  I had watched that video in grade six, so I didn't think I was dying or anything.  I did freak out a little bit, though.  Luckily for me, Mom left a few pads under the bathroom sink when she moved out.  I tried to call Mom, but she was working that night, which meant *I* was going to have to tell Dad [insert full-body cringe here].  In all of my almost-13-year old wisdom, I wrote him a note telling him that I had gotten my period and didn't want to go to school the next day, folded it up all passing-notes-in-class-style (which means it probably took him a good five minutes to get it OPEN), told him NOT to read it until I was gone as I chucked it at his head, then RAN back down to my room.

I walked around all bow-legged that night because it felt like I had a pillow stuffed in my pants.  (And compared to what we have now?  I pretty much HAD a pillow stuffed in my pants.)

The next day, Mom took me to the grocery store to pick up a bag of Always for Teens.  Its cheerful pink and purple packaging did nothing to distract me from the embarrassment of being seen in public with feminine hygiene products - I made Mom pack the bag (because anyone viewing a woman carrying that bag walking along a bright red, surly teenager would've believed they were for the woman).

And then do you know what she did?  She took me to two different aunts' houses and one of her friend's all "my baby is a woman!"

I DIED.

If you're playing along at home, I've been "a woman" (Mom's description) for 19 years.  (Technically, I've been a woman *wink-wink-nudge-nudge* for, uh, 13 years.  What?  I was a slow bloomer.)   If we go with a conservative estimate of one period every 28 days (which was absolute horse shit for the first three years of my bloody career), we're talking 247 menstrual cycles.

And yet?  I woke up this morning to no tampons.

How does that even HAPPEN?  Two hundred and forty-seven freaking times and I forget?!?  What the hell, brain?  Wishful thinking?!?  (It's like every time I'm all "WTF is WRONG with me?!? Why am I so emotional/bitchy/psychotic???"  [A week passes.]  "Ohhhhh yeaaaaah... "  DERP)  The best part?  I looked at the damned tampons when we were at Costco yesterday, paused, wondered if I needed more, then went "naaaaah" and left them on the fricking shelf.  GENIUS RIGHT HERE, PEOPLE!

I guess this is just one more sign I need to get that got-damned Diva Cup figured out, right?  *sigh*

Delight YOURSELF

I get emails from delight.com that always link Under $30 and Under $50 gift ideas.  I think we should gift ourselves today, people.  Here are some ideas to get you started...

GurglePot Koi Pitcher $42.50

I kinda dig koi - I love what they symbolize.  And I kinda dig these koi pitchers: the coral one, the light blue one, the sunny yellow one...

Modern Ceramic Salt & Pepper Shakers $47.75

More kitchen gadgetry, but at least these don't necessarily require cooking...  These cute little guys are also available as poodles, whales, birds, and something called Mr. & Mrs. Muse.

Paper Pot $38.50

I have loved these since the first time I saw them posted on a blog or twitter or somewhere last year, but didn't bookmark the site (duh).  They come in six different colours, and you could buy two, then swap tops and bottoms to make a two-toned pot.  They're kinda pricey for a tissue cover, but aren't they cool looking?

Wallflowers $26.50

LOVE these - I *will* have them on a wall.  In a room.  Someday.  Although I wonder how difficult they are to dust...  (Available in five colours; also come in dragonflies.)

XO Sterling Silver Necklace $39.50

Who doesn't love hugs and kisses?

Meal planning my way (for @velabronx)

I'm never sure what the etiquette is regarding jumping into a conversation on Twitter, but nine times out of ten, I'll butt in: I figure if it were private/personal, it wouldn't be on Twitter.  Besides, isn't that kind of the point of Twitter?  That being said, I've been, uh, not-replied-to my fair share of times, but I digress...

Anyhow, I butted into a conversation yesterday about meal planning and how difficult it is and couldn't help but chime in with my $0.015.  So, as requested by the lovely velabronx, this is how I do my meal planning.*  I use an Excel spreadsheet because I'm a dork like that, but there are tons of resources out there: google meal planning template and you'll see what I mean (never mind that a good, old pen and paper will work, too).

1) Brainstorm a list of your favourite meals/recipes - the special ones, the oft-repeated ones, the reliable go-to's when you're having surprise company, etc.

2) Go through any cookbooks you have or magazines you've saved and flag anything that looks remotely promising.

3) Scope out recipe sites and sign up for newsletters (if you don't mind the inbox "clutter") - you can get some great ideas this way.

4) There are a metric TON of foodie blogs out there: go poke around and see what you find - I've found some of our new favourite recipes right through my Google Reader.

5) I peruse our grocery store flyers to see if there's anything on sale I'd like to incorporate.  It's also a decent way to get ideas - steak is on sale?  Great!  Barbecue time!

6) Here is my meal planner (don't laugh, m'kay?):

Click to embiggen

Mine starts on Saturday because that's the day we generally do our grocery shopping.  What I didn't include (because it's not really necessary) is the rest of the spreadsheet that I basically use as "scrap paper": it is where I jot down meal ideas before I commit to their day of the week (I try not to repeat - I won't do chicken two nights in a row, for example), and where I slap all my ingredients down.
  a) I use the first line for the meal/sides, and the second line for the location of the recipe (if there is one) -
      URL, cookbook name, specific magazine, etc: this is a life-saver come dinner time and keeps you from
      scrambling around flipping through eleventy-seven magazines trying to find your recipe at "game time."
  b) With recipes from websites, I'll copy all the ingredients, paste them in one of the columns to the right of
      the grocery list, and delete the individual cell of ingredients I already have on-hand.  This ensures that I'm
      using what's already in the house, and that I'm not leaving out a key ingredient.
  c) That skinny little column in the middle is where I'll put a question mark for an item I need to see if we
      have it on hand, or quantities if I need multiples of an item.
  d) I was adding stuff to the "grocery list" column in the order in which we find them in the grocery store
      because I'm anal like that organized.  However, now I use one of my favourite apps on the iTouch,
      Shopper (worth every one of its 99 pennies: you can set up lists for multiple stores, set up reminders, add
      coupons to items, arrange the pre-set aisles to match your grocery store, and I think you can sync it up to
      your store's flyers via zip code - doesn't seem to work in my area).
7) I post a copy on the fridge so we know what's for dinner every day - this is helpful for me at 6am when I'm trying to remember what needs to be removed from the freezer for thawing.

Other Tips

• I try to include one meatless dish per week, partially for health's sake, but also so that I have one thing I can move from day to day if something comes up and barbecued steak just isn't gonna work today.
• That being said, even though we're trying to get away from processed food stuffs, we always have a frozen pizza or chicken strips in the freezer as back-up, and every once in awhile, I'll batch cook so there are individual servings of lasagna ready to go.
• If we end up subbing something from the freezer, the unused meal is oh-so-conveniently ready to be used the following week.
• I have a list of our standards (from step 1) and recipes we've tried on another page in my Excel workbookt; this may be a little too anal for some, but I like to keep track of what was good, what was bad, and/or what we'd change, simply so that if I come across Easy Pork Stirfry again, I can look and see that we both dumped our plates in the garbage...
• I try to keep a list (usually just a draft email) of ideas as they pop into my head because I have the memory capacity of a goldfish, and that great idea I had on Thursday most certainly won't come back to me when I do up the week's plan the following Friday.
• Make sure to ask your family members if they have any ideas/suggestions/requests: it's not often that I get much out of Chebbar, but he knows it's not all on me to come up with every. single. meal. every. single. week.
• Don't be afraid to modify a recipe to suite your tastes/needs: don't like pork? use chicken! or go meatless!
• There are tons of ways to keep track of your favourite online tools and recipes: use your bookmarks, or use a program like delicious to store your bookmarks online (with the handy addition of tags for sorting purposes!); sign up for the "recipe boxes" on most recipe websites to store your favourites; and if you're a super dork like me, you can even go a step further and input your favourites into a website like  WeGottaEat.
• We try to stick to our list as closely as possible in an effort to keep costs down; you will frequently hear one of us question the other with "is it on the list? do we NEED it this week?"
• Impulse items while shopping is definitely a matter of personal preference: we try to avoid it as much as possible, because that's where the majority of our shopping bloat (read: $$$) comes from.  However, if you come across an item that's on sale that you'll use, grab it even if it's not on the list.
• Generally weekend meals consist of a lot of "freezer stuff" and "left-overs" because I just don't have the energy to cook.  Or, we'll save meals that don't leave left-overs (that we take for lunch the next day) for weekends.

Some "Resources" to Get You Started

• Meal ideas from Quirky Momma
• Delish
• Spark Recipes
• My Recipes
• Martha Stewart Food
• The Pioneer Woman's Tasty Kitchen 
• All Recipes
• Google - no, seriously: Google is your BFF when it comes to finding recipes, etc.
• Kraft Canada (lots of easy recipes; has a handy "what do you have on hand?" tool that will give you recipe suggestions)
• Campbell's Kitchen
• Betty Crocker
• Pillsbury

(The last 3-4 links use a fair amount of processed/pre-packaged foods, but if that's not your thing, they can still be great sources for ideas.)

Meal planning is most certainly an overwhelming and daunting task when you get started, but once you've done it a couple of times, it gets easier - I honestly panic at the thought of NOT meal planning now.  (When I think back to trying to figure it out on the fly - the night before, that morning, DINNER TIME - I have no idea how I fed myself.  I swear that if it weren't for meal planning, we'd subsist on a diet of frozen pizzas and grilled cheese sandwiches.)  Don't get me wrong: it is a chore and I do have days where my brain just doesn't want to help and nothing looks good - those are the days that I'll shut it down for a few hours/until the next day and come back to it later.

There is some time required when planning your meals, but even that lessens over time, and the time expended is usually recouped in not standing blankly in front of the fridge trying to figure out what to make for dinner in half an hour.  It's definitely a money saver, too.  I used to shop like my mom, stocking up on stuff when it went on sale; every few months I'd end up going through the pantry and throwing out expired tins of soup (when Chebbar moved in, he was absolutely boggled that I had FIVE boxes of Rice-a-Roni in the cupboard - five EXPIRED boxes!  *shame face*).  So, not only are we no longer wasting money on food that ends up unused, but we're also saving by only buying what we need.  We'd be screwed if there was a natural disaster that kept us house-bound for more than a week, but our pantry's darned clean!  heh  Give it a shot!  What do you have to lose?

Do you meal plan?  What's your favourite online source?  Any tips to share?

*Obviously my way isn't for everyone, and I'm sure there are easier, more streamlined ways of doing it, but I'm lazy I like routine and if it works for me, I generally don't mess with it.  YMMV

HYC: Week 29 - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good

Well, after this post and Friday's weigh-in, I think I can safely (and officially!) post this:

I'm pretty damned proud of that!  Even though a) I've done this before (sound like a broken record yet?  *snort*) and should assume I'll do it again, and b) I keep saying this isn't about losing XX amount of weight, somehow it never occurred to me that I'd be able to post a badge like that.  I'm still focusing on this as a fitness/health endeavor, but for me, the joy is in reaching the goal, not the process to attain it.  So?  GO, ME!  :)

Friday's weigh-in saw me down another 1.1 pounds from my cheaty early weigh-in two weeks ago, for a total loss of 3.1 pounds since last month's "official" weigh-in.  I'm only down 1", though.  That's a little disappointing, but it's better than going UP (*cough*like last month*cough*), right?  I am officially half-way to my first mini-goal of losing 10% of my body weight!

I got in five days worth of activity, including three days of weights/floor exercises.  I was under "budget" calorie-wise every day except Sunday, but I took Sunday for a Screw It day - even still, I had to consume a fresh blueberry milkshake and TWO cupcakes to go over (and even that was only by a whopping 40 calories).  Ooh!  I'm also up to eight minutes on the elliptical!  bwa ha haaaaaa

The Bad

I haven't been sleeping well lately, and it's catching up to me, so I've had a cranky past few days.  Case in point: Saturday.  Because of my gastro appointment and hair cut last Wednesday, I didn't work out.  That was a weights day (I'm trying to do Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays), so I ended up moving the weights to Thursday.  I would've been left a day short if I didn't get off my ass Saturday, so after we got home from running errands, I pulled out the dumb bells.

Chebbar looked at me all funny and asked what I was doing (and now that I think about it, I'm sure at least part of the reason he was surprised/confused is that when I'm in a mood, the last thing I want to do is, well, ANYTHING, never mind exercising).  Me being the raging bitchmonster ray of sunlight I am, snapped back "colouring a picture: what does it look like?"  *cough*asshole (me, not him)*cough*  He went on (God love him) to say that weekends were for resting, not exercising.  I took a deep breath and attempted to reply a little less snarkily (think I missed the mark, though... :-s ) when I explained the whole Wednesday/Thursday/missing a weights day thing.  He shut up and let me do my pouting thing.

When I was done, he looked at me and quietly told me that he was proud of me for sticking with it and for "staying true" to my plans - that he in no way, shape, or form was judging me.  Yeah, like I said above: asshole (again, me, not him).

Also, I *may* have ordered a dress for a wedding in six weeks that *may* be a size smaller than what I'm currently wearing.  Yeah.  PURE GENIUS.  (I'm preferring to think of it as motivation.)

The Ugly

As I oh-so-minimized above, I'm having "trouble" sleeping.  Truth is, I'm 2.5 weeks into a bout of insomnia, and I have no earthly idea what is stressing me out (stress being the usual insomnia culprit for me).  The only thing that remotely makes sense (except that it doesn't), is the unknown factor of how long Chebbar will be back at work/how much money we'll be able to save (plus, because we went from famine back to feast, he's kind of spending all willy-nilly, which pretty much defeats the purpose of "going back to build up our savings account").  Money has long been a stress-inducer for me, so this kind of makes sense.  However, we were fine on my income before he got called back, so if they lay him off again next week, we'll be fine again - no savings, BUT we do have the (large) chunk of money currently set aside for his schooling if push came to shove and we had an emergency.

The last time I suffered insomnia for more than a day or two?  It lasted three months and I gained somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds, with pretty much all of it in my gut.  In THREE months, people.  I don't really remember how I got that far gone: I know pretty much all exercise stopped because I just didn't have the energy to give a shit (never mind to expend said energy working out), and I know I eat shitty comfort food when I'm stressed, but I don't recall it being an out-and-out junk food binge-fest for three months.

That being said, I'm a) paranoid that this bout of insomnia is going to last just as long as last time, and b) petrified that I'm going to pile on even MORE weight.  Petranoid.  Parafied.  Seriously.  And I know that stressing about (not) sleeping compounds my problems, but I still haven't located the switch that turns my brain off - I feel powerless against the negative thoughts that become self-fulfilling prophecies where sleep is concerned.  

*sigh*  So, there you have it: my good, bad, and ugly update.  How are all of you doing?  Here's to a better week this week!

I climbed across the mountain tops

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven

I somehow managed to forget a traumatizing incident that occurred shortly before Mom moved out and Dad moved in. Well, not "somehow managed" - I've selectively lessened the importance of said incident pretty much since day one for my own sanity.

You see, my mom was just barely 30 with three children ranging in age from three to thirteen.  She became a mother at the tender age of 17 - she didn't even finish high school.  Needless to say, she probably felt a little... stifled, like she was missing out.  (Her actions, her choices, blah, blah, blah... I know.)  So, it seemed the advent of her 30th birthday was something of a rebellious awakening for her.  She started partying, but had the good grace/presence of mind to do so on the weekends we were at Dad's - the worst we encountered was coming home to her cleaning up the empties that were strewn about the house the morning after a party.

Until.

I had been "babysitting" my siblings for a few years at this point, if watching them while Mom ran to the grocery store for 20 minutes counts as babysitting.  As well, by the age of 13, I had picked up a couple of babysitting gigs in the neighbourhood.  It was no secret that, even in my own home with my siblings, I could not, would not go to sleep until parents were home and doors were locked - I just couldn't do it (this is probably my earliest memory of my ongoing sleep issues).  Mom was well aware of this.

I'm not sure how long it was before Mom moved out and Dad moved in - I want to say it was spring, so probably not long.  Hell, for all I know it might have been one of the reasons Mom moved out and Dad moved in.  Mom decided to go out with a girlfriend on a Thursday night - a school night.  I have no idea what the occasion was or if there was one.  I do know that at 11pm, I was annoyed because I needed to go to bed so I could be up for school in the morning.  At 12am, I was getting worried.  At 1am, I started calling around to find out when the bars closed (2am).  At 2am, 3am, 4am I panicked.  This was back in the day before cell phones: I had no way of getting ahold of her.  (Which, now?  Pisses me the fuck off - how irresponsible is it to leave a 13-year old with a 7- and 3-year old alone ALL NIGHT with no means of getting in touch in case of an emergency?  Fuck sakes.)

At 5am, I called Dad, sobbing hysterically into the phone, apologizing for waking him up.  He?  Chastised me for waiting so long to phone.  He came over to the house and sat with me until Nick and Taylor woke up, making up some excuse as to why Daddy was there, but Mommy wasn't.  As school time grew nearer, we were all fed and dressed; Dad was ferrying us out to his car (to take Nick to school, and to drop Taylor and I off at his girlfriend's, who ran a daycare - I wasn't going to school that day because I had been up all. night. long. terrified my mother was dead in a ditch somewhere) when a strange car pulled into the driveway.

The passenger door opened and some dude stepped out, pushing the seat forward so Mom and her friend could climb out of the back seat.  As Dad straightened from where he was tucking Taylor into the car, the driver decided to step out of the car - I don't know if it was bullshit male posturing or what.  We all stood there, awkwardly, all of us trying not to make eye contact.  I hurried to get into the car before Mom could say anything - even at the tender age of 13, I wasn't stupid: I was pissed the fuck off to know that my mother was too busy doing god knows what with these guys to even call and let me know she was okay and wasn't coming home.  I was so very mad.  I was so very hurt.

I don't think it's ever really been discussed properly to this day (which, after writing that bit about calling to let me know she wasn't coming home is awfully ironic considering how much shit I got for staying out all night at 19 - remind me to tell you that story).  I'm pretty sure there was some half-assed, extremely uncomfortable apology, but certainly no explanation and definitely nothing to quell my hurt and anger over being made to worry in exchange for some drunken dance floor groping.  (That's not entirely fair: because it's never been discussed, I have no earthly clue if there was some logical explanation, like a trip to the ER that rendered ALL of them incapable of using a pay phone.  Because those WERE still around back then.)  I do know that this incident and my reaction to it would come back to bite me in the ass.

From Dad.

Dr. Not An Asshat!

I finally got to see the gastroenterologist today.  I was nervous because I haven't had any issues since the beginning of June (I had some sharp, shooty pains for a couple of days mid-month, but considering everything else presented days after my period, I didn't count those as the same thing - hell, looking at the timeline, they could've been ovulation pains).  I didn't want to waste the doctor's time, but because I had to get a referral to see him, and it took twelve weeks to get an appointment, I didn't want to take the chance of cancelling until I hurt again and then being told I had to get another referral.  I think I was also worried he'd be like Dr. Asshat.

Not at all!  He was a pleasant little British man who was highly efficient (I didn't have great hope sitting in the waiting room watching how quickly he was ferrying patients in and out, but I was wrong).  He asked questions, but he also let me speak; he clarified various points; he *listened* to my family history; he examined my abdomen.  He told me that I seem "far too healthy an individual" for this to be anything "serious," but he didn't call it a closed case just because I haven't had symptoms for my last two cycles.

He said it sounds like irritable bowel syndrome to him, and he wants to treat it as such for now - we'll re-evaluate at my follow-up appointment in six weeks, and if anything has changed at all, we'll go from there.  I feel pretty good about this appointment: I don't have a definitive answer, but at least now I feel like this doctor is interested/gives a shit/will help me figure out what this is if it continues.  I feel *heard* and that's a pretty damned good feeling.

I know very, very little about IBS, so I need to do some research.  Part of this is... not doubt, but uncertainty because this doesn't seem to be related to food in any way, shape, or form: it is tied directly to my period.  But as I said, I don't know enough about IBS to know if there is such a thing as a "hormonal" case.  If anyone has any tips, suggestions (particularly how to get more fiber: any bread I eat is whole grain; I take Benefiber; I eat a fair amount of fruits and vegetables; but I'm only averaging 15-20g a day, which he said is pretty good, but I know I could do better), advice, or resources you'd like to share, I'd love the knowledge!

Robots need love, too...

...they want to be loved by you!

"Robots" by Dan Mangan (love this song)

Aaaaanyhow.  The lovely awlbiste posted a couple of links on Twitter today, the last of which inspired this post:

Sumo Blue - A Desktop Warrior by reclaim2fame $78

Sumo Blue is made from a vintage English tin and is adorable.  Awl's got great taste, no?

Red Robot Mounted Print by StephanieFizer $22

Love this heart-filled little dude.

Bullet Bot by tinyrobotfactory $20

I'm not sure what it is about the swirly wires sticking out of this guy's head, but I dig 'em.

Saltron and Pepperbot 2.0 by idstudio $60

The number of cool salt and pepper shakers I've seen lately makes me wish sodium weren't such a bastard.

Get Your Nerd On Robot by sleepyrobot13 $12

If the robot weren't cute enough on his own, the tape on his glasses sold me.  <3

HYC: Week 28

Not a lot to report this week.  Exercise hasn't been bad (four days - I'm never sure whether to count all the walking done while doing errands as a "work out" or not (i.e. cross off the day on the calendar) because in my head, unless it's *intentional* exercise - going for a walk, using the elliptical, etc. - it doesn't really "count"... thoughts?).  Food choices have been okay: I was over my calories according to Lose It on Friday, but I knew that was going to happen with dining out when we went to the concert.

Okay, am I totally being a cheater, here?  I usually weigh in and measure Thursday/Friday every four weeks (half way through my cycle, for the record - I figure at that point, I'm past the previous month's bloat, and far enough away from the next month's bloat to not skew things).  Because a) I'm super curious to see how I've done since my mid-month weigh-in cheat and b) it makes sense to do it the same day as the HYC check in, I was going to do it tonight.  However.  I made quiche for dinner last night (which doubled as lunch today).  Quiche with bacon in it.  After tallying up the sodium in my meal(s) and remembering Traci's suggestion that last month's abysmal 2" gain might have been a result of too much sodium, I decided to put it (back) off to Thursday/Friday.  :-s  Cheating?  Or completely valid, considering that's when I've been checking in for months?

One-sided friendships

You've been in one, right?  A "friendship" - and I use that term loosely - where you're the only one actively participating?  The only one who inquires how the other party is doing (unless, of course, you're asked simply as a vehicle for the other party to talk about him/herself)?  The one who is only contacted when the so-called friend is having a crisis?  I think it's pretty safe to assume we've all experienced at least one fair weather friend.  It really blows, doesn't it?

Over the years, I have "purged" three people from my life who didn't even come close to giving as good as they got.  It took me a long time to *get* that I was being used, and I did feel some guilt over ending the friendships, but in the long run I'm glad I did it.  After all, I know I'm a good person and a good friend, so don't I deserve the same?  I mean, if I were in a (love) relationship with someone who treated me like that, most people would be telling me to leave because I deserve better (or don't deserve to be treated like that).  What is it about a friendship that makes us gloss over that ideal?

This issue isn't only germane to real life friendships, either.  I know some people discount friendships forged online as not being the same as "real life" friendships, but that's bullshit in my (not so) humble opinion.  Hell, if anything, in this day and age of blogs and the instantaneous nature of access via social networking, it's very easy to feel a connection with someone - that you know someone - very quickly.  It doesn't hurt any less to be overlooked or ignored by an online pal than it does by a "real life" friend.

It boggles me that I keep getting involved in these "unrequited" friendships.  You'd think by now I'd recognize one a mile away, and if not a mile, then at least fairly quickly in.  But no: it takes me time to finally *get* it - time that means I've become somewhat invested (which is probably why it hurts to be overlooked) and slightly reluctant to sever ties.  Why, I don't know.  Hope that I'm wrong?  That the other party will wise up?  Shape up?  Smarten up?

I'm tired of always being the solicitous one that is ignored if I'm not actively seeking someone out: it makes me feel awful and needy, like I'm begging for scraps of attention.  I know that life can be rough and people are busy, but a little common courtesy goes a LONG way.  I know it sounds trite and rather dumbed down, but it all comes back to the Golden Rule for me: treat others as you'd like to be treated.  If you don't like being treated like garbage, don't treat others like gum on the bottom of your shoe until you need help scraping it off.  It's not rocket surgery.

Have you been involved in a one-sided friendship?  How did you handle it?  Or are you still in it?  If so, why?

I'm being an over-sensitive pansy ass, aren't I?

Chebbar has a friend named Kelly.  They have been friends for a long, long time (ever since Kelly dated Chebbar's room mate,  and Chebbar asked her out (after a "respectful amount of time had passed") when they broke up, but she turned him down and somehow they were able to remain friends without being all awkward and uncomfortable).  In the beginning, Chebbar assured me that we'd get along like gangbusters because we have a lot in common personality-wise.  Unfortunately, one of those shared characteristics is discomfort around new people; since I hadn't met her yet, I couldn't help but take it personally when she'd refuse to come over to the guys' place when I was there - it felt like she was going out of her way to avoid me.

When Chebbar moved to my town to live with me (her town, too, FTR) two years ago, he left behind the majority of his friends - we're less than half an hour away by highway, but still.  I had met Kelly a couple of times, but hadn't really gotten to know her very well.  The first time they hung out together while I was at work, I let my whackadoo supervisor convince me that something was fishy and I ended up all suspicious (and embarrassingly jealous).  Luckily for me, they BOTH understood: Kelly's attitude was "I have no problem hanging out with both of you until she gets to know me better and feels comfortable with the situation."

Kelly and her (now/new fiance) Adam have had their share of problems over the course of their relationship.  Often Chebbar has been her sounding board as a fairly unbiased (male perspectivated - is so a word) third party.  We both ended up being hand-holders last year when they went through a brief separation.  Kelly and I have hung out together on our own and we do get along really well: I think Chebbar's right in his opinion that we could be very good friends, but it seems like we're both too... shy? to actually "make the first move."  Heh

Last weekend we found out from a mutual friend that Kelly and Adam are now engaged.  Chebbar, feeling like he's a pretty good friend of hers, is a little offended that they (she) haven't (hasn't) told us (him) (it's been about two weeks since the engagement took place).  However, we're going to that concert with them tonight, so I'm guessing maybe they're waiting to tell us in person?  All I know is that the more time that passes without any word, and the more text messages she sends him without so much as a hint toward "big" news, the pissier he gets (hell, he's gone so far as to say he won't go to their wedding if she doesn't spit it out soon *eye roll*).  So, Chebbar's already experiencing a small case of The Hurted Feewings.

Last night, Chebbar was telling me that she had sent him a text telling him that he should stop by her ball game.  He replied that he was at work.  They swapped a couple of messages about transportation to the concert today, then she invited him again, making him wonder if she didn't get his initial text(s), so he told her again that he was working.  MY Hurted Feewings come in because *I* didn't get an invitation, even though it wouldn't be hard to make the jump that I was at home alone if he was at work.  I texted her awhile back just checking in and asking how things were going; she responded saying something about how she was "just going to" text me about going for a walk.  Yeah.  Never happened: I haven't heard from her since.

I'm feeling slighted, and I'm not sure if I should.  I think part of it is being in a not-so-great place with Dawn and Wyatt joining Greg in Alberta in three weeks - I've been in complete LALALAI'MNOTLISTENING! denial that I'm "losing" my best friends for the past two months, but as the days tick by, I'm fighting The Sads something fierce; and I know part of it is sleep deprivation - I've slept like shit all week, with *maybe* 3 hours of sleep last night (I was still awake (franky tweeting) at 2:30, with my alarm set to go off at 6am).  Bah.

Give it to me straight, oh wise internetz: I need to GTFOver it, don't I?

P.S.  Can I have a nap, pretty please?

Just beat it

I got a sexy functional KitchenAid Mixer shortly before Christmas.  I had linked to a SideSwipe blade on my birthday, totally not cluing into the whole amazon.com-won't-ship-most-of-the-cool-stuff-on-their-site-to-Canada thing.  So, when I went to redeem my Amazon gift certificate, I had to settle for this, instead:

BeaterBlade Stand Mixer Scraping Beater $32.75

I guess I should have known better with an "after market" part and realized that I wasn't getting another metal beater blade - it's plastic.  That being said, it seems like relatively sturdy plastic: so far it's stood up to everything I've mixed.  

I did carefully check my mixer's model number to ensure it would work with my mixer; however, it does seem like a rather snug fit in the bowl - it can sound a little... shrieky at times.  But again, it would have to be a tight fit in order to actually scrape the bowl, right?

I haven't really noticed any nut (heh) chocolate chip-crushing considering the lack of "fins" like the other blade had.

I did find at first that it wasn't scraping everything off the sides of the bowl like I assumed it would, causing me to still end up scraping down the bowl with a spatula, but that likely was me just being my neurotic self - I haven't bothered additional hand-scraping since the blade's maiden voyage.

The price tag seems a little high, but all things KitchenAid seem to be that way.  

All in all, I find it a handy addition to my kitchen.  

A change will do you good

If there's one thing I've learned being with Chebbar, it's how to go with the flow.  *ahem*  Okay, to go with the flow a little easier and with more grace than I used to.

I'm a creature of habit: my family and friends like to joke that you can set your watch by my routines.  I get used to doing something just so and, in the past, if anything derailed my just-so, I'd be all a dither.  When I started the whole fitness/healthier lifestyle thing the first time, I got used to going straight home after work and starting my exercise pursuits as soon as I was changed (stopping even 30 seconds meant running the risk of finding ass fused to the couch): being so regimented in my actions helped to make working out a habit.  Unfortunately, the odd time my schedule was disrupted, I'd feel almost panicky - at the very least, I'd stress out about the missed workout and feel upset.  As well, dinner was pretty much always eaten at 6pm (no later than 6:30!), so if my workout was delayed, dinner would end up set back, which would put off my shower...  It was basically too much for my little pea brain to comprehend, so I'd end up skipping the workout entirely, just to stay "on schedule," all the while beating myself up for "failing."

Chebbar is very much a go-with-the-flow kind of guy.  He embodies the "laid back and easy going" traits that I've always claimed to possess, but seem to just slightly miss the mark.  I don't think I'll ever forget my first real taste of Chebbar's philosophy on life: we were heading out on our first road trip, and before even leaving the driveway, I was freaking out over his declaration of not having a plan and his intention to "just drive" until we felt like stopping.  No plan?!?  Come again???  O_O

So.  Now, if I get home late, I work out late.  If I end up skipping a day, I'll make it up tomorrow.  Dinner's closer to 7 or 7:30.  When he calls me up to tell me that he's working overtime (taking his 12-hour shift to SIXTEEN hours); that he needs me to drive out there (45 minute drive - somewhere I've never driven before and stand a good chance getting completely lost) AFTER going home so I can drop my car off in order for him to have some way of getting home after his car pool leaves (his dad); that I'll have to ride back with his dad so I can drive Chebbar's car home; that all of this will take place during prime working out/eating dinner/showering time, I take a deep breath, readjust mentally, and silently freak out at how my night has changed prepare for an "exciting" evening.

Change is fun!  Right?  lol

Concert attire angst

So.  We're going to the Tool concert on Friday, and I'm all filled with angst and shiz.  First off?  I'm not exactly what you'd label a fan - that's Chebbar's department.  Don't get me wrong: I'm familiar with, and like, some of their music, but I'm pretty much just along for the ride.  That being said, I associate myself with basically being the elderly grandmother at a concert like this - so! out of! place!

Second, it will be smokin' hot (28C/32C with humidity (82F/90F)).  Third, downtown Vancouver, so walking.  Oh, and don't forget to make an effort to look hip! and not touristy.  *eye roll*

Seriously?  Having to get dressed for a hot summer day while still looking somewhat presentable (read: not like a hippo in a muumuu) is stress-inducing enough on its own.  Add to it a prog rock/metal concert and my head is pretty much done in.

I know it all comes back to the good, old "don't worry about what other people think about you!" but that's FAR easier said than done.  Plus, I don't want to stand out like a sore thumb: someone might mug me!  (Totally kidding.  Mostly.  Heh)

HYC: Week 27

Last week Caitlin from Everything's Just Wonderful commented on how we cross off the days we're active on the calendar, so I thought I'd post a picture of how June went...

Not too shabby, hey?  :)  I think I'll post a picture at the end of each month as further accountability/enforcement.

I "only" got in four days of activity last week because I buggered my back (yes, again) by being a little too over-zealous with the elliptical (if you're interested, you can read about it here).  I was having some trouble reconciling being active with taking it easy and giving my body a chance to heal, but a comment from the lovely Floating Princess really put it into perspective for me: "If I'm in this for the rest of my life, I'm not falling behind anything and, if taking care of my body is the ultimate goal here, then resting it when necessary is part and parcel of that."  Now to remember her wise words of wisdom!

My eating has been on track: still not snacking after dinner unless I'm honest-to-Ceiling-Cat HUNGRY.  I thought there might be... an issue with Chebbar and the Lose It app, though.  The other night, he asked what I was doing.  When I showed him that I was entering information into Lose It, he made some comment about it being stupid.  O_O  I asked him why he thinks it's stupid - if it bothered him that I was using it.  Apparently I have made comments a couple of times (I honestly can't remember saying this, so I can't speak to the instances in question) to the effect of "blowing my calories for the day," making him worry that I'm going to negatively focus on the app, calories, etc.

I explained to him that I'm basically using it as a food logging tool: that it's not like if I'm close to my daily recommended calorie intake, I'll skip dinner; that it's helping me to pause and ask myself if I'm really hungry, or if I'm just bored/tired/sad/mad; and that if it does become a problem - me obsessing over calories, etc. - I most certainly want him to "stage an intervention" (I've made no secret over my quest to NOT weigh myself daily, count calories, etc. because I know I become too hyper-focused on the numbers).  As well, I told him that I'm doing this half-heartedly at best: I'm not exactly weighing and measuring everything before it goes in my mouth; and that, while I try to overestimate my portion sizes/calories when inputting food, the likelihood is that I'm underestimating what I'm really eating.

At the same time, I pointed out that I had done a "bad" thing and stepped on the Wii Fit scale mid-month (the day after my period - does that make it more likely to be an accurate weight, or less likely?), and I'm down another 2 pounds, bringing me to a total of 10.2 pounds lost.  I told him that it could be a fluke, it could be a result of the increased exercise I've been getting, or it could be tracking with Lose It, but whatever the case was, I would continue using Lose It until such time as it becomes a "problem."

He seemed okay with my explanation, but I couldn't help but feel a little wounded by the use of the word "stupid" and like he didn't support my efforts.  I know that on the surface he's worried about me adding to my own mental BS where my body image and self-esteem are concerned, but I couldn't help but wonder if (even a small) part of it is the discomfort of "seeing" his own bad habits - if that makes sense.  He walks with me when he's home from work, but he doesn't really do anything exercise-wise when he's home alone while I'm at work.  He replaced his beloved Coke with Coke Zero, but he supplements that with iced tea, so he's still getting a lot of chemicals/sugar.  He's started taking salad and carrots to work as part of his lunch, but he'll still eat an entire pizza if given the chance.

I certainly don't want to alienate him in any way or make him feel bad about himself/how he does things, but at the same time, I'm not willing to sacrifice my health and well-being.  I don't for a second think it would ever come down to him telling me to stop pursuing a healthier me, but I don't want him to... resent me, I guess?  Have you dealt with a spouse who doesn't seem to be entirely on board with the whole fitness/healthier lifestyle thing?  How did you deal with it?  

(I'm going to post the 10 pounds lost badge here for now, but I won't add it to my progress page until my official weigh-in on the 16th because I'm a weirdo like that and don't want to jinx myself... lol)

Parental-support payments?

This article (in part), from Macleans, appears on the MSN homepage today:

"It's been 16 years since Ken Anderson saw his mother. His parents moved out to B.C.'s West Kootenay region when he was 15, effectively abandoning him in the town of Osoyoos, 200 km away. (His dad, who worked for Labatt, had been transferred.) Ken was the family baby; by then, his four siblings had moved out. He dropped out of high school and took a job at the local Husky to support himself. He couch-surfed and, for a while, lived with a neighbour. 

Eventually, a kindly boss let him crash in his basement. "The past is past," says the 46-year-old father of two, who lives in Oliver, where he runs a logging truck business. He's never been angry with his folks. But he's never tried to rebuild the relationship either. His dad died years ago and in 30 years, he's seen his mom Shirley fewer than 10 times. Imagine his surprise then, when one fine day he was served with papers announcing he was being sued for parental support. 

Shirley, who is 71, has lupus, and has never worked. She and Ken's father split up in 1990, and her support largely dried up when he died, soon after the divorce. She's since amassed a credit card debt totalling $28,000 and is seeking $250 per month from Ken and an undisclosed sum from three of his siblings. (Neither she nor her lawyer were available for comment.)"

When I read this, my jaw dropped.  His parents, for all intents and purposes, abandoned him as a teen.  And now his mother expects him to support her?!?  Gimme a second: I think my head's gonna explode.

Don't get me wrong: I understand that raising a child is an expensive feat.  However, I know I certainly didn't ask to be born and start incurring a debt to be repaid as an adult.  I also know that there are cultures in which it is understood that the adult children will support their parents in return for raising them and paying for their education - but not all cultures share this understanding.  And, as the article states, filial duty laws - which are on the books in every Canadian province except for Alberta - can ease the strain on government funds.  But with our Canada Pension Plan and Old Age Security programs, why is it the children's responsibility if their parents cannot live within their means, especially if said parents made no moves to prepare for their retirement?

I'm completely torn.  When I look at this in regards to my mom, my first thought is that she wouldn't HAVE to sue me for help: hell, she wouldn't even have to ask.  However, when I look at this in regards to The Donor - as the lead-in to the story makes me - my gut reaction is oh HAY-ELL no.  This man had very little to do with me for my entire life up to the point that I wrote him off; he took no interest in me or my well-being; the government had to go after him because he didn't care enough to pay child support for 13 years: in what kind of fucked up world should he be able to turn around and sue ME to support HIM?!?  I cannot believe that there is a law in place that would allow a man who is related to me by blood only to sue me for support - someone I've chosen to have zero relationship with.  It boggles the mind.

What do you think?  Do we, as children, owe our parents financial support simply because they paid to raise us?  Or is it up to them as adults to plan for their futures and make sure that they're taken care of?  Is lawful enforcement of filial support a good idea or a bad idea?

Hurts so bad

I have a new post up at No More Muffintop if you're so inclined...

Hurts so bad

Happy Day!

from Jeff Jetsets

Happy belated Canada Day to all my Canadian friends...

from The Empire Blog

...and a preemptive Happy 4th of July to all my American friends!