Struggling once again

I'm... off today (this week).  Things aren't normal (whatever the hell THAT is: I think I may need to reevaluate just what "normal" means for me - of course, part of the problem is that I have no idea what normal looks like for my anymore).

I logged into Twitter this morning and read from the bottom up, commenting as I went along, like I usually do.  I found myself feeling... left out?  How lame is that?  And instead of jumping in and/or backing off and taking a little break, I'm still sitting here feeling like my grade six-self all left out and shit.  Ridiculous.

I'm struggling with hunger/eating/snacking lately, and I don't give a shit again.  I've either just barely been under my calories (according to LoseIt), or over every day this week.  I am hungrier this week: it's not all emotional eating, but there is a very strong "who fucking cares?" vibe going on, too.  To be fair, this is pre-period week*, so that could account for the increased hunger.  As well, I've been more active this week (I've already completed four workouts) than I have been for a month, so that could be contributing as well.

I was on WiiFit last night and noticed a sizeable gain (well, for me, considering I haven't gained in a long time - a pound and a bit?).  While my brain mentioned the things listed above, my... gut? heart? irrationality? spoke up with the "screw this: I'm eating cookies."  And I did.

Money's been on my mind the past couple of days.  I came back to work from vacation to a (very generous) surprise raise.  The take-home pay calculator I've used for years that has always been very accurate seemed to steer me wrong, and my big, fat raise has worked out to be about $70 less than anticipated.  Before anyone rolls their eyes at me, I'm NOT being ungrateful: if you've read me for any length of time, you're aware of how set my mind can get, so I've been trying to refocus on this new (still extra, so yay!) figure.  The other part of it is that the more money we have, the more money we spend; and the more money we spend, the more I stress about money.

I've been weepy and irrational and moody since last weekend.  Logically I know that this could very well be a hormonal/PMS thing*, but part of me is starting to worry that all of these things might be pointing to the anti-depressants not working as well as they were.  On the one hand, this moody, cranky me is more "normal" to how I was before the depression (read: numbness and apathy) hit, but the couple of weeks I had where I was happy! and in a good mood! and felt less stressed! and more able to just manage! was GREAT and I kinda want to go back to THAT,  not this.  I'm a little concerned the "eh, fuck it" attitude has returned: case in point, Dawn called last night (we haven't talked since we went over there to visit at the beginning of October) and I declined the call.  To be fair, Chebbar was still home and getting ready for work and I wanted to spend that 20 minutes with him before he left, but I had zero desire to talk (I still haven't called her back).

I've gone from a place of feeling happy and moderately in control and definitely less stressed, to cranky and edgy and anxious and stressy.  For example, we're going to Costco tomorrow, which means I should get the Cipralex refilled; however, I'm thinking about the possibility of having to change anti-depressants and worrying about then having a) a useless prescription at home and b) wasting money.  Oh, and of course there's the whole matter of having to actually SEE Dr. GP to discuss this and the subsequent worry of a) getting an appointment in a timely fashion AND b) taking more. time. off. work.

*The other thing that's got me a little skeptical of all of this being a temporary hormonal issue is this whole stacking of the birth control pills.  How the hell does my poor body even know what it's supposed to do at this point?  This is partially why I have the niggling doubt in the back of my mind that my moodiness is period-related: I haven't had a "proper" period since the end of August, so how does my body KNOW that next week I'll be taking a break from the active BCPs to be all normal-PMS-y this week?  (If that makes sense.)

I know I should - and I will - wait a bit and see if my mood levels out, but I'm engaging in my preemptive worrying/stressing, and it's, well, stressing me out.  Grrr and rawr.


ETA:  I just called and booked an appointment with Dr. GP for Tuesday.  I know that's not giving it much of "a bit," but Boss #3 (who backs me up on the phones when I'm not here) is on holidays starting Wednesday.  I feel marginally better (again) just knowing that I can talk to her if I need to - if I'm feeling better come Monday, I'll cancel the appointment and wait "a bit" longer.

I'm a Hallowienie

Halloween Pumpkin Burning lamp helloween candle candela
Halloween isn't my holiday. I'm short on imagination, so costume ideas were always difficult. Plus, there's the whole living-in-Canada meaning a winter coat is required factor - surefire way to kill any costume coolness.



Of course, there's the whole thwarted last attempt at trick-or-treating to put a damper on the whole holiday. My mother had decided that we would stop trick-or-treating after we were 12: she disliked the snarly teenagers who would show up without so much as a mask expecting free candy, and didn't want us to turn into said snarly teens (joke was on her... ).



As the consummate eldest child (read: too much of a chicken shit to even *think* of disobeying, rebelling, or questioning), I accepted her decision. Unfortunately, I ended up sick on Halloween night and got to stay home handing out candy to MY FRIENDS.



Yeah. Sucktastic.



We live in an age-restricted apartment building, so the only trick-or-treater we get is my nephew, which means we purchase no Halloween candy (one regular-sized box of Smarties for him), and I don't decorate at all. When we're invited to Halloween parties, we skip them because most invites include a non-negotiable costume clause and neither one of us could be bothered (thank Ceiling Cat).



So, no: I do not celebrate Halloween. Boo humbug?

Christmas Listing

I'm supposed to make a list of things that I would like for Christmas.  You have no idea how much this request pains me.  First off, we are more than fortunate enough that, if I need something, I can generally get it (within reason and/or with planning, obviously).  Secondly, I'm that asshole who is all "Oh, no!  You don't have to get me a gift!  I don't NEEEEED one!" because I don't want to make trouble for people (although I do recognize that not making them pull an idea out of thin air would be decidedly less troublesome).  Therefore, my lists tend to consist of a lot of CDs (that I don't *really* listen to what with the iPod and all) and DVDs (that cram our DVD shelf-holder-thingy, but otherwise don't get a lot of play (pun totally intended)).

I've done some poking around Teh Intarwebz (and likely will continue to do so), so this is neither a complete nor cohesive list (I'm ALL about the random, people).

Jessica Open-Front Cardigan  $49.99  $29.99

You may recognize this from my last post, but I've decided that I really, really want it.  Like, tempted to purchase it NOW and leave it in the bag until after Christmas *just in case* someone else doesn't buy it for me.

Ninja S/P Set  $16.95

Okay, I admit I only want these because the remind me so much of Salty and Pepper: I think they could all be friends on top of my stove!

Idyllic Table Top Garden  $21.89

This is SO cool!  I'd love to have some live greenery on my desk to pump extra oxygen into my workspace!

Sterling Silver Swinging Pinup Girl  $70

I love that she's swinging on the chain - awesome!  (Although, to be completely honest, I probably wouldn't wear this often enough to justify the cost, since I'm a sentimental fool and only wear the necklace Chebbar bought me for Valentine's Day a few years ago.)

Demy Digital Recipe Reader  $199.95

This is a big, fat, HIGHLY coveted item.  Because I'm a neurotic nutcase, I'm paranoid about taking my laptop into the kitchen, so I end up writing all my recipes onto a dry erase board, which can be a PITA.  This little gadget is like an e-reader for recipes!  It's splash-resistant and easy to clean, stores up to 2,500 recipes, and will do conversions for you.  Waaaaant.

Coraline Messenger Bag  $54.95  $33.96

This bag has already featured on this here blog, but since the messenger bag I ordered at that time really hasn't lived up to my expectations (although alleviating the shoulder pain I suspected was caused by dragging around seven pounds of purse on one arm), I'd like to resubmit this purse for consideration.  *ahem*  Chebbar...  ;)

Woogie iPod/iPhone Case  $19.99

Okay, I recognize that this one is a leeeeettle silly, but I kinda want this.  It's cute!  And would provide protection if I were to ever drop my beloved (read: can't function without it) Touch.  Plus!  IMPOSSIBLE TO LOSE!  Seems like a win all around to me.

HYC: Week 43 and A Rant

See that up there?  That is a depiction of the effort I've been putting forth at improving myself both physically and mentally.  I have good hours/days/weeks/months, and bad ones.  For the most part, I'm fairly good at treating my body well; I'm making strides at being kinder to myself mentally.  Unfortunately, every once in awhile something - someone - comes along that threatens to derail my hard work.

If you frequent Twitter, you may have caught wind of a hateful, nasty piece of "journalism" on the Marie Claire website (lord knows *I* went on and on and on about it enough).  ***Please be warned that the article is full of fat-bashing vitriol and may be upsetting.

I was absolutely gobsmacked after reading it - speechless, if you will, and if you know me at all, you know I'm a verbose mofo.  I was shocked and appalled by the sheer hatred spewed by the writer (so much so that I became one of those people and actually emailed the web editor to voice my displeasure and disappointment - I will never be a financial supporter of Marie Claire going forward).

At the same time, I had to stop a couple of times and back away from The Twitter to take a deep breath: yes, this very likely IS a case of linkbaiting, and no, drawing attention to something so negative isn't a great idea, but where do we draw the line?  If we stay silent, others out there may have no idea of the garbage published by Marie Claire.  Sure, that saves them the trial of reading said garbage, but ignorance isn't bliss, people.  Because by NOT directing people to such garbage and staying silent so as not to give Marie Claire (negative) publicity, we're inherently saying that we're okay with this: that it's totally acceptable to fat-bash.  And it's NOT okay, dammit. 

How is staying silent during something like this different from staying silent when someone is being bullied?Maybe *I'm* someone who felt bullied by this piece.  Would you stay silent?  I know I sure as hell wouldn't.  I know I'm like a dog with a bone with this, and I'm sorry if that's annoying.  However, I will NOT apologize for standing up and speaking out against something I feel strongly about, and I do feel strongly about this, due at least in part to the fact that I *am* considered one of the "fatties" she's cutting down.  

When I joked about just that, I pretty quickly had a friend come back with "you are not... !"  But that's my whole point: when someone makes this kind of sweeping thoughtless, vicious, generalized condemnation about a whole section of society, she has NO CLUE how many people she may inadvertently be including in her prejudice.  Fact of the matter is, based on the highly revered (*cough*bullshit*cough*) BMI scales, I am considered to be "severely obese."  I don't think I look severely obese, but apparently just seeing me walk across a room with my fatty fat fat rolls flibbidy flabbing all over the place *may* offend some delicate sensibilities.  

The lovely, wise, and inspiring Yvonne from Joy Unexpected summed it up quite well for me:

Nope.  Not gonna feel bad for speaking out against hatred.  Sorry.

As for the Healthy You Challenge button up at the top of this entry?  I'm doing okay, thank you.

A new label

Yesterday was my first meeting with the therapist at mental health.  She seems nice - she was easy to talk to (although, even though I talk a lot, it's just weird to be the one doing 99% of all the talking).  She agreed with the woman who did my intake interview over the phone in that I would benefit from her group session, but it's just not feasible: it meets once a week at 9am for 12 weeks.  That would make me three hours late for work, for 12 weeks.  While they've been amazingly accommodating at work with my metric fuckton of appointments in the last year (never mind the last two months), I sure as hell don't want to push the issue until they feel like I'm taking advantage of them or something.

She's going to give me the workbook that she uses with the group and let me work through it on my own at home, then go through it with her.  As well, again agreeing with the intake interviewer, she seems to feel that my self-awareness and willingness to learn/change/improve will likely only mean a few sessions to "tweak" my skills.  This sounds great to me, because again, the time off thing: I just don't want to keep having to ask for time off every. single. week.  She mentioned working on mindfulness and ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy).  I'm really interested in seeing the new skills she has to teach me and hopeful that I'll be able to utilize them in a way that is helpful to me.

I had to fill out a bunch of forms and questionnaires when I first got there, which she went over once I was in her office.  She called me a "walking textbook example" of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I kind of... bristle at this new label: she herself stated that my anxiety is situational.  Yes, I worry and stress (likely what would be considered a disproportionate amount) about "everyday life" (if everyday life means Chebbar being laid off and worrying about money - that doesn't seem so freaking irrational to me, but I'm biased), but it's not like I'm afraid of my own shadow - I'm not exactly walking around fearing a piano is going to fall out of a window onto my head or that a sinkhole will open in front of me and swallow me whole.  I get anxious about specific things/incidents: once that thing is dealt with and/or over, the anxiety is gone.  Either way, I won't let this label dictate any aspect of my life. Besides, it's not like she wants to medicate me more/differently, so it can't be that bad, right?

It was interesting to have a *trained professional* remark that my childhood was "chaotic" and use the term emotional abuse.  Yeah.  That's all I have to say about that at the moment.

I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. GP scheduled right after - this was supposed to be a check-in for the antidepressants, and I wanted to discuss this new GAD-thing.  However, no one thought to mention that Dr. GP wasn't in, so needless to say I was a little surprised when a stranger walked into the examining room.  I know she was just trying to get a handle on my history, but it was rather frustrating having to go over everything again.  As well, I had a few specific questions for Dr. GP that Dr. Sub... answered to the best of her ability, but didn't answer in a way that worked FOR my history (read: she suggested things Dr. GP and I have discussed and I have tried ages ago).

One of the main things I wanted to discuss with Dr. GP is my fatigue.  I'm exhausted all the bloody time.  It used to be that I'd do the long, slow, blink during my commute home, but I'm doing it in the morning now, too.  I'm sleeping okay - better than I was, in fact - but I'm still so tired.  I feel like I could curl up under my desk and take a nap at any time.  An earlier bedtime doesn't seem to do the trick: if I go to bed at 8pm, I'm still awake at 11:30.  I don't know if it might be vitamin D or iron levels, an effect of the depression and/or antidepressant, or what.  And, as I mentioned before, I don't want to have to book another appointment and take more time off work (between my next appointment with Therapist Lady and my follow-up appointment with Dr. Asshat, I'll be taking two afternoons off over two weeks).  I may just have to suck it up and hit the walk-in clinic.

I'm cranky today.  I kind of just want to stomp around and scowl a lot.

Why should you wear purple to support spirit day?

On the off chance you haven't heard of the push for people to wear purple today, it's an effort to show support for Spirit Day.  From the facebook page:

"On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the LGBT youth who have committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes and schools.

PURPLE represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. "

I've lost count of the number of comments/rants I've seen about how wearing purple to support Spirit Day is "stupid" and "pointless" and "not going to CHANGE anything anyhow."  You know what?  You might be right.  

However.  

Have you stopped to think of the visual cue you are providing, simply by choosing to wear a specific colour on a certain day?  You're sending a message to both bullies AND those who need your support that you will not stand for the abuse - that you will help those who need it (or, at the very least, that you're not another potential bully).  It's an easy way to honour those who have felt no. other. option. but to end their lives.  Unless you're... afraid? to show which side of the fence you're on, why not?  This post articulates my feelings about this far better than I'm able to: I hope you'll read it.

HYC: Week 42

Last week was wonderful - sitting my ass on the couch for the better part of a week feels like exactly what I needed to recharge my batteries.  I got in my three requisite workouts (albeit "cheater" workouts: a day of house work here, a day of shopping there).  But mostly?  I relaxed.  And it was awesome.  I didn't worry about my hair/clothes/make-up unless I was leaving the house (and that wasn't often!).  We took it slow and easy and just enjoyed each other's company.  The second wedding was beautiful, and I'm proud to report that I've lost enough weight since buying dress #7 that, not only was it no longer tight across the belly, it was actually loose enough I didn't have to wear the Spanx.  Best money I ever did waste!  ;)  

I had a minor falter on Sunday night and ended up in tears over feelings of... well, this picture sums it up pretty accurately:

As always, Chebbar was his usual calm, loving, understanding self.  I wonder what I would do with out him sometimes.  

While I was sad to leave my place on the couch, part of me was happy to head back to work yesterday because I knew it meant I would get back into a routine.  Unfortunately, my car threw a monkey wrench into the whole thing by deciding not to start (which, considering the sucker's only a year and a half old, struck fear in the hearts of many the two of us - fortunately, it's already been into the mechanic and declared healthy).  Needless to say, I was a little frazzled when I got to work late (my first day back from holidays! ACK!).

However, it looks like I didn't need to worry (as per usual): I was greeted with... a raise!  O_O  Colour me SHOCKED.  I was absolutely flabbergasted.  This is going to make such a huge difference for us, especially when (if?) Chebbar goes back to school next year.  I have an awesome job and amazing bosses and I'm truly grateful to be here.

Then I opened my lunch kit to find the sweetest note from Chebbar.  *sniffle*  

I worked out when I got home from work and felt pretty darned good.  I really wanted to push myself to try to up the elliptical to 15 minutes, but after a week of NOT going up and down the stairs all day at work, my right knee was protesting too much, so I stopped at 10 minutes.  

I feel like I'm in a good place right now.  I'm feeling rested and more on top of things.  I took care of half a dozen phone calls/appointments yesterday and feel a little more in control of life in general.  My appointment with mental health is Thursday afternoon, and I see Dr. GP right after.  Quite honestly, if anti-depressants are going to make... life all-around-easier to deal with, I don't know that I want to go OFF them.  (I don't mean now/before my doctor advises: I mean ever.  This sense of being able to cope and handle stuff calmly with less stress and/or anxiety as it comes my way is pretty freaking lovely.)

How are you doing so far this week?

Fat Talk-Free Week

Have you heard of this?  I did last year, but after the fact.  It popped up on my facebook newsfeed so I started clicking around to see what I could see.  After reading Jessica Weiner's Do I Look Fat in This? and learning about "fat talk" a few months ago, I think this is great idea.  (Excellent book, by the way: I would highly recommend it.)

For me, it's not just a matter of fat talk: it's a matter of hate talk.  I do my best to be careful about my word choice and what I post (if you're familiar with my LOL albums on facebook or my tumblr blog, I will NOT post fat/gay/racist "jokes" because a) I don't find them funny and b) I don't want to unintentionally offend someone else).  That being said, I say some pretty despicable things to MYSELF.

A year ago, I wrote a post about how much my self-deprecating talk bothered Chebbar - really bothered him.  I made a conscious effort to stop speaking those nasty thoughts aloud, and before long, I found that I wasn't really thinking them as often, either.  (I though I had slipped a little, but upon asking Chebbar, he said he hasn't noticed me going back to my old ways, which means all the negative self-talk is pretty much entirely internal, which is almost worse because *inside* my head, I don't have anyone to "redirect" my thinking.)    Not long after that post, I wrote another asking how you're supposed to learn how to love yourself when it's not something you know how to do.  Unfortunately, I didn't really make much of an effort to grow and improve in this area.

So, this week, on top of banishing "fat talk" from my vocabulary, I'm also going to use it as a springboard for starting my (negative) thought-redirection: no more nastiness to/about myself.

Are you in?

Fall has arrived!

I know because I've been able to wear hoodies again.  *happy dance*  Here are some cooler weather clothes that caught my eye tonight...

Nevada Fashion Jeans $54.99

I think these might make my butt look good.

Henri Pierre "Daisy" Strap Suede Boots $159.99 $139.99

Sadly, these suckers likely wouldn't fit my monster calves, but this is a dream wish list, right?

Jessica Knit Rose-Detail Cardigan $49.99 $34.99

This comes in mauve and teal: I'd be hard-pressed to choose just one colour.

Jessica Open-Front Cardigan $49.99 $29.99

I know "short" sleeves aren't the smartest choice for winter (especially considering I never feel like I can pull off the long sleeved shirt under a short sleeved shirt), but I really like this.  Like, seriously considering adding it to my Christmas list like this.

Attitude Slouchy Hobo Bag $60

This comes in a bunch of colours; sadly, this colour is sold out.  *sad panda*

This Is Why I Love You

In the same vein as yesterday's post, I am a big dork who keeps a running list of reasons why I love Chebbar.  It's a great reminder when he's getting on my last nerve I need a "warm fuzzy."  And, much like yesterday's topic, the list is ever-growing, so random mini posts it is!


#8: You notice that my bar of soap is but a shadow of its former self and replace it when you replace your own.  <3

Just like a star across my sky...

I love stars.  I've wished on a lot of them.  I've contemplated tattoos of them.  Today, I shopped for them.

Sterling Silver Chrysocolla Star Pendant $19 $9.50

The colours in this are great and I love the silver swirl at the top of the pendant.  

A Starry Night 8x10 Print $20

Love this.

Mixed Metals Charm Necklace $38

I really like this because I say it to Chebbar quite often.  <3

Starfish Ornament $35

LOVE this.  A Christmas tree decorated with ocean-themed ornaments would be kind of cool...

Floating Star Tree $42.99

...or you could just forgo the tree altogether and make the ornament the tree!

Things That Can Just F*ck Right Off #22

My internet girlfriend @kiki_mo wrote a post awhile back about sometimes wanting to just be in a bad mood, and listed things that could fuck off.  I loved the idea so much, I started a list of my own.  My problem is that I'm not very good at... forward-thinking, so I *know* I'll come up with the! perfect! list addition! right after I hit publish.  So!  I'm gonna post short little one-liners as they occur to me.  I think this is called micro-blogging.  Yes, like Twitter: shut it.


#22:  Those teeny, tiny pokey-ass emeffing little hairs that drive you crazy after a haircut.

HYC: Week 41

I mentioned last week that I was worried about my monthly weigh-in, but it looks like my fears were unfounded: I lost 1.1lbs and 2".  This isn't great considering these are MONTHLY - not weekly! - weigh-ins, and considering I've lost more than that on average, BUT.  Considering I had two weeks in which I got in a whopping two workouts (instead of my usual TEN), and three weeks of saying "eh, fuck it!" when it came to trying to stop eating my feelings, I'm pretty damned happy.  I'm now at 25" lost and 19.2lbs down.

This is a little disappointing because I was reeeeeally hoping that I'd be at my (first) goal of 10% of my body weight lost (22.6): I had planned on getting my fifth tattoo as my reward, but was hoping for it to coincide with my holidays this week.  Of course, I didn't exactly plan on The Sads when I booked the tattoo appointment...

...sooooo, I did it anyhow.  My only regret?  That I didn't do it sooner!  (Well, that and that I hadn't thought ahead to take the word I want on the left wrist: because it's so small, it went so fast, I could've had BOTH done for the same price.  Ah, hindsight.)  I love it.  Plus, I know it's not like I'm going to go, "Meh, I have my tattoo, so I'll just give up and quit now."

I had set the goal of three workouts last week, and I did 2.5.  I got home late from work Friday and we were supposed to go to Greg and Dawn's house (Greg's home for a visit), so I only had time to do the elliptical (no weights).  BUT!  Better than skipping it entirely, right?  Right.

This week, I'm laying off the weights just because the tattoo is tight and scabby, and even though I'd very likely be fine, I don't want to take the chance of moving my arm in such a way that I rip/tear a scab.  However, I figure if we keep up the walking and/or I do the elliptical, that's good enough for one week.  I haven't really thought of a goal number-wise for this week, but I'm already skipping today (what? I'm on HOLIDAYS! hehe).  We did walk yesterday, though, I'll be able to workout tomorrow and Thursday while Chebbar's working, and I'll likely be able to sneak in a quick workout Friday before the wedding we're going to.

Oh, the neglect!

THIRTY-EIGHT DAYS since I last posted?!?  That's AWFUL!  I have no excuse, only explanations.  I'm trying (oh, how I'm trying) to get back into the swing of things; I think part of that will require a little bit of strong-arming and "tough love" to force myself back to where I was - back to where I want to be again.  So!  Etsy shopping.  No rhyme nor reason to this post, just good, old fashioned, random whatever-strikes-my-fancy.

Tree Necklace $23

I'm really taken with trees lately.  Not sure why, but there it is.  Love this one by morganprather.

The Harris Tweed Wayfarer Purse $140

Digging the tweed and the big, wooden button closure.  Plus?  The Harris Tweed is from Scotland.  

Leather Turquoise Flower Headband $27

The headband is metal which miiiiight not be very comfortable for very long, but the flower's cool.  Maybe it could be removed and turned into a brooch?

Summer Twig Bracelet $19

Love the colours, love the branch, love the leaf.  Just love.  That is all.

P.S.  Kept the shoes and SO glad I did.  :)

*sings poorly and off-key* If I had a million dollars...

In my last post, I challenged people to ask me questions (thanks to the three of you who did - lol). Catherine from Transformational Diaries asked what I would do on my dream birthday if no expense was spared, and Lizz from One Nerve Left asked if I won ten million dollars, what's the first materialistic thing I'd buy and what's the first humanitarian thing I would do.  You guys are TOUGH!  And here I thought I was gonna be asked what my favourite ice cream flavour is...  hehe

So, dream birthday (I'm SO bad at this stuff).  If no expense is to be spared, I'm thinking completely over-the-top, sooooo... take me to Scotland.  Specifically, Glasgow and Edinburgh.  My great grandparents were from Glasgow, and if I never get to take another trip for the rest of my life, I want to see where they came from before I die.

P.S. My birthday means I don't have to eat haggis.  

Now, if I won a bazillion (or ten million) dollars, the first thing I'd buy would be a house.  Don't get me wrong: my little apartment has served us quite well and will continue to do so until we're in the position of upsizing.  However, in the meantime, Chebbar has a dog that can't live with us due to the buildings no pet policy.  Since it doesn't look like we'll be having kids (at least not any time soon, "whoops" babies notwithstanding), I want dogs.  BIG DOGS.  And a couple of them.  We can't do that here.

The first humanitarian thing I'd do...  This is tough because there are SO MANY worthy causes out there - disease research, poverty assistance, anti-bullying.  The very first thing I'd probably do, though?  There's a homeless gentleman in town (and yes, "gentleman" is extremely fitting for this man) who has his belongings folded in his shopping cart with military precision.  He is always respectful and never, ever begs: if you give him change or a cup of coffee, he almost looks startled that you even noticed him.  I've learned this first-hand.  When I stopped to give him $5 one day, he asked me why: I was completely taken aback and had to stop and think for a second before explaining that it's exactly because he's not in people's faces begging for change that it makes me want to help him more (and for the record, I'm a bleeding heart - I'm forever getting the gears from Chebbar for not having change on me to give to anyone who asks).  I would do... something for this gentleman.  I would ask him what HE would prefer: a meal? new shoes? a warm bed for the night?  Judging by his quiet dignity, he'd probably turn me down, but I would try anyhow.

And Lou, you'll probably see a meme one of these days very soon.  ;)  

Mental block (aka: ask me ANYTHING! :D )

I want to write, I really do.  However, I'm stuck.  Unless it's something... prompted (like my HYC updates), the old mind is a complete blank.  It's gotten so bad, I've contemplated resorting to the *gasp!* meme.  Oh yes I did just go there.

So, at the risk of hearing crickets, prompt me.  What would you like to know about me?  Any burning questions?  Pretty much anything is fair game: I'll tell you if you've over-stepped, you nosy emeffer.  hehe ;)

HYC: Week 40

I'm in a MUCH better place than I have been.  I'm not saying I'm! All! Cured! or anything, but I'm noticing that it's easier to smile.  I catch myself singing along to the radio again.  I was able to laugh - honestly laugh - at myself this weekend. I feel lighter. Things just don't take as much effort (or forcing myself).  This isn't every day, mind you, but I know this is a process and that a few good days here and there will lead to more good days. I'm slowly starting to feel like myself again.

I completely fell off the elliptical wagon again last week, getting in a whopping ONE! workout done last Monday.  The... good? thing was that I started to care that I was slacking off.  I also lost my grip on the emotional eating; however, along with that came a defiant "I don't CARE!" attitude which, while not exactly helpful, again is a sign of the numbness and apathy receding (that "I don't care" attitude is classic Old(er) Chibi - not quite the most recent me, but still a version of me).

I had decided that I was getting back on track as of yesterday.  I was feeling good about the decision and actually found myself looking forward to getting back on the proverbial horse... until 3pm rolled around.  I always seem to hit the wall around that time.  Add in the car-lulling commute, and by the time I get home from work, I'm ready for a nap, not a workout.  Yesterday was worse because I had to take the "scenic route" (read: 1 hour and 15 minutes as opposed to 35-40 minutes) due to an accident on the highway.  When I got home at 5:45, I so wanted to use that as my excuse to back out: after all, in my mind I've only committed myself to three workouts this week, so I still had five days to get that done.  It felt like make-it-or-break-it time, though - I felt like if I allowed myself (yet another) gimme, I would probably end up back-sliding (again? still? did I ever STOP sliding?).

So, I did it.  I wasn't overly happy about it, but I did it.  I didn't feel as great as I usually do when I'm finished because the defiant part of me was being a pouty little brat, but I DID IT.  I only have to do it two more times this week.  That's all.  And I can totally do that.

I weigh in/measure on Friday.  I'm a little concerned after two and a half weeks off PLUS eating my feelings, but still detached enough that it's not a huge deal.  I mean, it is what it is, right?  This was a minor, temporary setback and I'll come back from this, too.

And a "thank you"

This is Evan.  Evan is a talented photographer.  He's kind.  He's funny.  He's compassionate.

Last night, after stumbling across my last post, Evan took a chance and reached out to me because something I wrote struck a chord in him and he was concerned.  Evan hadn't had the chance to dig further back for more information, but instead got in touch with me because he was worried.  He gently stated his concerns and made appropriate suggestions as to options open to me.  It was done as a friend: no judgement, no recriminations, no disdain.

(Picture nabbed from Twitter)

He took the chance of being off the mark.  He took the chance of offending, hurting, or pissing me off.  He reached out, and even though I feel like I have something of a handle on this, I don't think I'll ever be able to adequately express how grateful I am that he took the time to read between the lines and DO SOMETHING about what he had read.  Because if I hadn't already sought help?  His DMs on Twitter very well could have been the tipping point that made a difference for me.  

There is so much unnecessary anguish in the universe right now.  If you have the slightest inkling that something is... off with a loved one, friend, co-worker, neighbour, classmate, PLEASE say something.  Anything.  Reach out.  Let them know they're not alone.  That you care.  That you're concerned.  That you'll help in any way you can.  It could literally be the difference between life and death.