This year's gonna be my bitch

I know it's trite because everyone says it about everything, but I'm really going to make this year my bitch.  2010 was... well, it wasn't horrendous for me personally, but between the ongoing health scares before the IBS diagnosis which led to the depression (never mind losing my best friends to another province, which is STILL weighing so heavily on my mind that I haven't been able to write about their going away dinner on the 23rd or how this is the first New Year's Eve I've spent without them in more years than I care to count), I'm not sorry to see it go.  

I feel like I have a better handle on managing stress and anxiety, and I'm making strides in letting go of my overwhelmingly damaging perfectionist tendencies.  I've even made considerable progress in not being so damned nasty to myself by cutting out the vast majority of negative self-talk (yeah, yeah, yeah: I sound like Dr. Phil - suck it).

However, this upcoming year is going to be that stereotypical Year! Of! Me!  As I said in my last post, I don't really have anything concrete in mind - I'm learning that being too rigid in my plans generally leads to me ending up frustrated and feeling like a failure if they deviate even the slightest, so we're going at this all loosey goosey (HUGE for me, people).  I have a list of things I'd like to do more of (get more sleep, relax, do yoga, practice appreciation, seek happiness, take care of me first so I can better care for others - y'know, dippy hippy stuff), but I'm going the route of selecting one word to focus on in 2011...

...mostly to myself, but where everyone is concerned.

So, yeah.  I'm being all cliché and trite and stereotypical and declaring that THIS YEAR will be MY year.  2011 will be my bitch.  Now, who's with me?  :)

(If you're interested, sign up with the linky below.  If you'd like the "Making 2011 My Bitch" badge, the code is in the upper left corner of the blog.)

This Is Why I Love You: Reason #47

#47:  You warble lyrics from Billy Joel’s “Just the Way You Are” (before giving up and playing the youtube video, BUT STILL!)






Explanation here.

2011

I know it's corny to say (and I'm pretty sure I've said it (or something very similar) before), but this is my year.  I've decided that 2011 will be the year that I learn: about me, who I am, what I'm about, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what makes me tick, how to treat myself with kindness and love, how to take care of me.  I have all sorts of ideas of how I'm going to do this, yet nothing concrete.  I'm excited by the possibilities and the learning and the new experiences.  I'm so looking forward to getting back to ME, now that I'm starting to feel a little more like the old me.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life who love and support me.  I'm so grateful for all of the opportunities I have.  I'm so grateful for my life in general.  I'm feeling better than I have in far too long, and it seems to be sticking, which makes me hopeful.  I feel like I'm looking at my life and the world with fresh, new eyes.  

I can't wait.  Bring it on.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Source

Resolute

I was playing around with a New Year's Resolution generator (here) and this was the first thing to pop up, which kiiiiind of seems like the universe's way of telling me something, no?  ;)

I kept hitting "give me more," writing down what struck my fancy until I'd filled a page in my Daytimer.  Here is my list..

• follow my own advice
• start acting my age
• go camping
• get more sleep
• be curious
• make someone's day
• dress up
• appreciate the simple things
• travel
• listen to my heart
• imagine
• move around
• start a sticker collection*
• update my blog(s)
• take more pictures
• flip pancakes
• find the time
• make friends
• call Mom more often
• make a root beer float
• speak up
• give more compliments
• be true to myself and others
• be patient
• re-read a book from high school
• enjoy every minute
• keep my family safe
• learn to commit
• spread kindness
• listen
• sing out of tune
• update my avatar
• meditate
• sing in the shower
• be more understanding
• avoid drama
• hug someone every day
• broaden my horizon
• laugh a lot

I think I like this list - it's all doable.

Self-Realizations: Empathy

Upon being caught, teary-eyed, watching a youtube video, I was embarrassed to explain over exclamations of "are you CRYING?" that I cry at everything - books, movies, TV shows, Disney cartoons, music videos, commercials: you name it, I cry.  I was summarily shushed and told that it's a *good* thing, that she wished she could cry easily: she had told herself years ago that she had to stop, and now she can't.

My empathy is a good thing.  My ability to see, hear, feel the beauty in others' joy and sorrow is a strength, not a weakness or something to be ashamed of.  My empathy is part of who I am: it has been with me since I was a child and has shaped the person I am today.  

GROSS: A Rant

This is not for those of you with delicate sensibilities or the easily offended, so move along for today.




If you had an epic assplosion so violent it could be heard A FLOOR AWAY, one that speckled the toilet bowl with tarry poo, wouldn't you pick up the damned toilet brush that sits right next to the toilet to scrub the Spots of Shame?  I don't care that there's someone who is paid to do that job: why do the rest of us have to look at your toilet masterpiece?  I mean, if I were to do that, I'd be too bloody embarrassed to leave my shrapnel all over hell and gone (hell, I wouldn't want to come out of the bathroom after the Very! Loud! Bodily Noises! that I'm sure the people next door heard).

EW.  JUST EW.  I'm sorry.  And you're welcome.  (Hey, I *warned* you!)




(And for the record, this was a co-worker-type person, NOT Chebbar.)

Happy and hopeful?

I'm totally scared to say that out loud.

I was sitting in the office with Chebbar last night, each of us in front of our respective computers, eating a dinner that I didn't have to prepare, belting out "Everlong" in stereo, when it hit me: I felt... HAPPY.  In that moment, I realized just. how. long. it has been since I've felt happy.  That made me stop for a second because it was an awful realization.  I was so worried - I still am worried - that it will be fleeting and the feeling of lightness will leave me in the dark again.  However, after some thinking, tweeting, and discussing it with trusted friends, I decided to enjoy it for what it is for as long as it lasts.

Today, I'm still feeling pretty damned good.

I was chatting with another friend on Twitter on Sunday and was told that the corticosteroid in the Advair I was taking could be causing the anger/aggression/mood swings.  THAT was an eye opener (and a freaking relief - you know I'm all about explanations: things don't seem *quite* as bad if I can blame them on something explain them).  I did not take my evening dose on Sunday and haven't taken it since (SHH!  Don't tell Chebbar!  lol), but I only had six days left and I haven't coughed in ages, so I'm not too concerned.  If I'm in this position again, I'll be asking for something other than Advair, since it gave me dry mouth, heart burn/acid reflux, possibly headaches (hard to say what the cause is with me), and mood swings.  No thank you!

I started using Habit Forge yesterday: one of my goals is to be kind to myself.  I'm taking the last week of December off just to recharge from all of the Christmas craziness.  I've booked my final(?) tattoo appointment for that week: since "breathe" has worked well as a reminder, I'm hoping "believe" will work the same.  I'm trying.  I feel a little more like I'm floating downstream instead of fighting against the current.  Again, I hope like hell it lasts, but I'll take what I can get for as long as I can get it.

Things That Can Just F*ck Right Off #49

#49:  My cheap-ass Christmas tree + stupid-ass tree topper = EPIC-FAIL-TREE-TOPPER-THAT-FALLS-ON-THE-FLOOR-ALL-THE-TIME-SO-I-JUST-LEFT-IT-THERE-AND-I-NEED-A-NEW-TREE-AND-TREE-TOPPER-SO-THERE.




Explanation

Navel gazing

Mere moments after posting The Plan, I started having doubts, worries, concerns: what if I'm letting myself off too easily? what if I gain back all of the weight I worked so moderately hard to lose? what if I start to eat my feelings and can't stop?  With the help of floatingprncess, I quickly realized that what was frightening me was a combination of a lack of (perceived control) and a fear of the unknown.  She asked me what the worst was that could happen, then told me that she thinks I can handle the "worst" (for the record, the "worst" thing that could happen in my mind is that I gain back all the weight I've lost and then some like last time, but I've come back from that (at least partially, anyhow) once already, so... ).

I'm still living in this sort of limbo where I'm waiting...  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for someone to give me shit for going home from work, changing into sweats, and enjoying my time with Chebbar instead of doing more.  Waiting to feel better enough to cut this nonsense out.  Waiting for a time limit to magically feel right (I'm still stuck in this mindset that I need to limit my... well, what feels like moping: while it feels good and relieving to give myself permission to take a break, said break feels TOTALLY self-indulgent and silly, even though I seem to be the only person who thinks this way).

I realized today that part of my problem is that the perfectionist in me assumed I'd be getting better now - that I'd just apply myself a little more/harder, and I'd be able to lick this depression BS in no time!  (FYI: That's poking fun of my unrealistic expectations, NOT a pronouncement on depression.)  And of course, because I'm NOT getting better fast enough for my high expectations, I beat myself up for being "defective" and a "failure" who doesn't "try hard enough" and start the vicious cycle all over again.  I honestly, seriously don't know how to cut myself slack.

I saw Dr. GP on Tuesday for The Miserable Cranky that I just. can't. shake.  She's upped my Cipralex dosage to 15mg (I'll be starting Saturday after I get the prescription filled).  I'm also going to stop stacking my birth control pills: I started the pissy PMSing the week of November 28; I started spotting/light flowing on the 6th, and I'm STILL having, erm, "issues."  Needless to say, the state of perpetual PMS is NOT amusing.  As well, I've had two migraines in two weeks (normally I go months between) and almost daily headaches, and my skin is going haywire (all around my chin/mouth which is generally related to hormones, and which also makes my self-esteem take a nose dive).  As well, she's really pushing for therapy (specifically because I seem to have gone from the numb, hopelessness of depression to RAAAAAGE and constant irritability).  Unfortunately, mental health isn't going to work for me because it conflicts with work: Chebbar's going to see what's covered under his benefits so I can find someone with after-hours appointments.

I'm kind of just treading water again; however, instead of trying to keep my head above water, I'm trying not to go on a shark-killing spree.   So, yeah.  That's why things have been a little quiet around here lately: when I'm struggling with stuff - especially when I'm feeling some measure of shame - I withdraw and stay silent.  Plus, I hate feeling like all I ever do anymore is piss and moan and whine about how tough my life is: even *I* want to tell myself to suck it up and shut up already.

Stocking stuffers!

My stocking has always been my favourite part of Christmas, ever since I was a wee tyke.  My taste in stocking stuffers hasn't matured much over the years, either.  Although nowadays my stocking is filled with magazines, chocolate, and beauty products, part of me still yearns for the silly little trinket-y games and toys.  It is my belief that, since stockings have grown exponentially in size and can be damned expensive to fill, stocking stuffers shouldn't be more than $10 a piece.  In that vein, I give you some stocking stuffer ideas (although, fair warning: I'm nothing if not childish, immature, and irreverent)...

Elf Fart Air Freshener  $3.99

(Don't worry: it's vanilla scented.  I just love what it says about farting magical elf dust.  Heh)

Origami Sticky Notes  $3.99

How cool are these?!?  Although, I wonder how difficult having the sticky strip would make folding the paper...  Then again, it might help hold things together!

Pedicure Foot Cozies  $8.99

If these didn't explicitly state what they're for, they'd look pretty silly.  They'll probably still look pretty silly.  And people probably still won't read them to see why you're running around in toeless socks.  BUT STILL.

Chuck-A-Duck  $4.99

Flying devil duckies!  As the description states, when you yell "DUCK!" it can be both a warning AND a description!  Win.

Dashboard Hula Girl  $4.95

Call me tacky (*cough*bite me*cough*), but I've kinda always wanted one of these.  The only reason I haven't looked for one is because I'm one of those annoying "my car is my pristine BABY" people and don't want glue gunk stuck to my dash.

Tiny USB Car Power Adapter  $7.99

This is kind of awesome: it's a cigarette adapter that will allow you to charge your phone/gadgets.  I kind of want it.

Thumb Thing  $3.75

Okay, this is SO! COOL!  You slip the little plastic thingy on your thumb, and the wingy bits will hold your book open.  It can also be used as a bookmark.  Is that genius, or what?!?  (I'm just worried I'd end up with the bloody thing stuck on my chubby thumb... )

Bacon Gum Balls  $3.49

I tend to agree with the description that the whole bacon thing has gone a little overboard, but these would make a great gag gift (or serious gift if you have an Extreme Bacon Lover on your shopping list).

Defrosty Reusable Ice Cubes  $7.99

I kinda love the morbid humour of poor Frosty-in-a-glass.  hehehe

Instant Underpants  $3.50

I am simultaneously horrified and morbidly curious about this suckers.  According to the Archie McPhee website, "...it's better to have damp underpants than no underpants at all!"  Um... yeah, well...  I can't.  Too easy.  

The Seven Year Pen  $7.50

Yup, you read that right: a pen that can write two meters a day for seven years.  You'll never need a new pen again!  Well, for seven years at least.  Unless some bastard steals it.

Worst-Case Scenario Travel Mad Libs  $3.99

If you didn't love Mad Libs as a kid, I'm not sure we can be friends anymore.

driin Mobile Phone Holder  $6.50

Ooh!  Neat and tidy!

Set of Three Popcorn Seasonings  $7.95

Om nom nom!  Merrrrry Christmasssss!

Shower Shock Caffeinated Soap  $6.99

A great way to get that first dose of caffeine before you've even made it to the kitchen!

Perch Bottle Stopper  $9.50

Because of my rampant adoration of Twitter, I'm kind of partial to all things cute little birdy lately.

Tea Infuser Stick  $9.95

If you have a tea lover in your life, I can pretty much guarantee he or she will love the look of this infuser.

Frame with 2010 Charm Ornament  $5.56

We buy a new Christmas tree ornament every year: I love that this one incorporates the year - beats my black Sharpie!

Possibly Unpopular Opinion: #12

Much like my Things That Can Just F*ck Right Off and This Is Why I Love You posts, these ones are pretty self-explanatory: random confessions...


#12:  I do not understand the internet’s preoccupation with pantslessness.  Why?!?  It’s COLD where I live: I’m more likely to put on an EXTRA pair of pants when I get home than shuck off my current pair!  Is it comfortable?  (I can’t imagine how: my thighs stick together, people!)  Does it make you feel good?  (Have you seen my wobbly bits?  O_O  Because I doubt you want to look at 'em anymore than I do!)  I just don’t get it and I don’t know that I every will.  I'm a lower-half lost cause.


Signed, Prudence McPrudyPANTS

The Plan

After a talk with Chebbar last night in which he repeated much of what you wise people have already suggested (yeah, sorry about that: sometimes I listen about as well as a brick wall), I've made a decision that, even as I write this, is being threatened by guilt.  I'm so caught up in the "shoulds" and the "shouldn'ts" and the "need tos" and the "have tos" that I can't see straight; I'm putting undue pressure on myself for things that really aren't THAT important (certainly not when I'm trying to get a handle on my mental health).  But I'm hoping that in letting go, things will get easier.

1. Workouts are off the table for now.  Again, I know (so please don't get up in my grill telling me how I just need! to go! for a jog!) that exercise would be beneficial to my moods and frame of mind, but right now, it just feels like far too much of an overwhelming chore that I can't wrap my brain around finding the energy/desire/time to do that it's causing me stress and anxiety.  I then fall into the self-loathing of "should" and "need" and that just messes me up further because boy, do I beat myself up for "failing."  This is probably the hardest part of the decision/plan, and the one I'm suffering the most guilt over because it feels like wussing out (I'm having a hard time figuring out the difference between cutting myself some slack and going overboard the other way to completely babying myself (giving myself permission to make excuses and not TRY HARDER)).  At the same time, I know that I can get back to where I was before because I've done it a couple of times now (and the desire to improve my physical health remains).
2. I'm going to continue using LoseIt to track what I'm eating because a) I need the stability of the routine and b) I don't particularly want to gain back everything I've worked (moderately) hard to lose.  That being said, again, I won't beat myself up if I eat a chocolate bar and/or go over my daily calories - I just want some semblance of accountability in my life in a way that is relatively non-invasive and doesn't feel like an obligation.
3. *deep breath*  I'm going to do my level best to make a CONSCIOUS EFFORT  to be kinder, gentler, and more loving to myself - to treat myself the way I would treat a loved one, to offer the same advice and comfort that I would a friend.  The biggie here is the highly-emphasized "conscious effort": it's not enough to just say I'm going to do it (because lord knows that hasn't worked thus far) - I have to consciously try to be better to me.  I deserve it, right?  (I know this can be done (albeit likely harder) because I've been successful at reframing my aggression, frustration, and road rage during my afternoon commute by thinking about it in a different way.)
4. Relatedly, when I find myself getting hot and bothered (and no, not in a good way: THAT kind of hot and bothered seems to have dried up with the antidepressants *snort*) or aaaaangry, I'm going to try to stop and ask myself if I'm really mad, what I'm really mad about, and if it merits being pissed off.  See above re: reframing mindset.  
5. I'm going to try to remove the "shoulds" and "needs" and "have tos," or at the very least, take a long, hard look at WHY I think I "should" do something and if it's really necessary, or just my perfectionism/high expectations of myself talking.  I'm also going to find a word to replace "normal" so I can maybe stop worrying about what normal is/looks like/will be.  
6. Most importantly, I'm going to do my best to cut myself some slack, go easy on myself, and just let myself BE.  Heal.  Recuperate.  Get my head back on straight.  Do all the stuff all of you have been telling me to do all along.  ;)

This isn't going to be easy, and I know that, but just giving myself permission to not try so bloody hard is relieving.