I look... huge. Not so much my body - that was no shock: I know I'm soft and squooshy and have bingo wings - it was my face. It looked like a dinner plate: round and fat with quite the double chin and slitty, squinty little piggy eyes that disappear into the cheek-mountains caused by my smile (it's the first time I've ever seen a resemblance between myself and my mother's (overweight) side of the family). It literally took the breath right out of me. I had no idea I look(ed?) that bad. And even now, I'm not sure if I do look any different than I did a year ago, or if I'm just fooling myself.
When I showed Chebbar and asked him if my face REALLY looks THAT! FAT!, he kind of rolled his eyes before asking if HE looked "that fat." I replied that I didn't think he looked that bad, and that's all he'd say to me in return: you don't look that bad. Every time I've brought it up since then, he tells me he won't discuss it further (and I can't tell if it's because he's trying to avoid telling me I *do* look THAT! FAT!, or that he just thinks the whole conversation is ridiculous and doesn't want me dwelling on it).
I have this... thing where, in my mind's eye, I'm thinner than I actually am. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror can be devastating. It's not that I don't know I'm overweight: I just don't *see* myself that way, so when it's shoved in my face, it's startling to say the least. Now, instead of looking at my twitter picture and viewing it as a goal picture (I love it because I look so HAPPY), I'm feeling like a big, fat fraud (pun intended) because I obviously don't look like that anymore.
I did what any
I don't trust pictures. The camera lies so easily. The dirty whore.
ReplyDeleteIt IS just a bad pic. We have seen other pics of you and can confirm this. You are beautiful. Now go write that on stickies and post them on every mirror in your house so you don't forget it.
ReplyDeleteGrrrrrl. I so get all parts of this. Truly. I know it hurts. You are absolutely lovely! Promise!
ReplyDeleteOmg.. I was just looking at pics of me from 2 summers ago, I felt like crawling in a hole and well.. ya know. BUT then I remind myself of who I am. I rock. YOU rock!! You're so freakin awesome and no you really don't look that fat. I swear. xxoo
ReplyDeleteI missed this on Twitter. I love your Twitter picture, and it is you. I am also way thinner in my mind, but I choose to believe that says something positive about my mind. You know what else? If you feel thinner in your mind, any time you can't see yourself in the mirror, I bet you are strutting your stuff. I know *I* am ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, you are not ugly! Please take that word out of your vocabulary! At the same time, I have experienced the same thing you have, "is THAT how I LOOK??"
ReplyDeleteI just finished writing a post about this very topic (scheduled for tomorrow AM). I saw a photo of myself from behind (Eek!!) and the first thing I thought was "Oh, I like that girl's jacket!" I didn't even recognize myself. I really think the mirror can be deceptive sometimes. But there are a lot of bad photos out there; I know if I don't smile properly in photos I end up having 4 chins instead of my normal 2. I feel your pain and am sending positive thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteSome pictures are definetely worse than others and, hey, the camera adds 10 pounds. I so understand how you feel though. Usually when a camera comes out I'm booking it out of the room. So I decided to be brave and post a picture on my blog and I got a couple of comments (from a troll - I think I know who it is) saying how hideous I was and what a cow and I'd never lose weight. Well the jokes on him. I will. Join me and let's get this done together. Always remember the beautiful person inside.
ReplyDeleteI have what I like to call "reverse anorexia". You know how anorexics think they look fat? Well, I'm the opposite. I'm fat, and I think I look fit and fabulous! It's always a shock to see myself in a mirror...I always wonder who that fat girl is. And the camera adds, like 50 pounds. I'm convinced.
ReplyDeleteI am always shocked when I see pictures because I don't 'see' myself that big either...it is just odd really and something I am trying to work on. Don't let that one bad pic though ruin it for you - you look great & happy in your twitter pic :)
ReplyDeleteWhat is it with people posting pictures without our permission?! Jerks!!
ReplyDeleteI just went through the same thing when a friend posted her wedding pics (the nerve!) and I saw one of MB and I and all of my chins. It was devastating. It shot down any confidence I had. My self image was actually good for once and that chintastic picture took it all away.
I am so with you on this. But, you know what? You are gorgeous! You are awesome! You are so much more than any crappy picture that was probably shot with the world's worst camera in the world's worst lighting and was probably photo-shopped because this person has some beef with you that you didn't know about.
Not to start any unnecessary drama or anything. I just know that's what happened with me. I'm deciding to remain friends with the picture poster anyway. You should probably stay friendly with Chebbar's sister too. You should probably also be in charge of picture taking at all future family gatherings.
Revenge is sweet!
Seriously...you rock and that's all you need to focus on! ;) Shove all that other crap out of your head.
Oh! Dude! My parents posted a bunch of pictures from Christmas and I was, like, the biggest person in every picture---or at least it seemed that way to me. Worse: my kids have been using my old digital camera, so they are taking pictures of my buttular region from a low angle. HORRORS.
ReplyDeleteI tend to think I'm fatter than I am. I look at pictures of myself and think OMG how horrible do I look. But it's only a picture. I move on. There are very few pics I like of myself. You are more than a picture. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman.
ReplyDelete