HYC: Week 5

Five days of exercise last week!  Yaaaaay, me!  :)  My eating was on track for the most part, but seemed to get progressively... off track as the week wore on (I'm blaming the PMDD).

Almost every month, the PMDD catches me off-guard until after I've melted down and felt like I was losing my ever-loving mind.  So, I decided to get smart, if you will:

Click to embiggen.

That's what my Google Calendar looks like every four weeks (well, it will say WARNING! on all five days: I decided to update when/if I have an episode so I can track them).  For me, the PMDD is primarily mood swings - I'm (more) angry, irritable, impatient, easily frustrated, more prone to tears, and (the most awful one for me) suspicious/paranoid/jealous.  When I have a flare, it's always only a day or two max (and really only a few hours each day: it doesn't last 48 hours), but they seem to come so out of the blue and disappear so fast that I'm left stunned and wondering what the hell just happened.  The other 26 days of the month, I'm FINE.  

But those two days?  Are hell.  For me and Chebbar, because unfortunately the suspicion, paranoia, and jealousy center on him (because let's be honest: no one's gonna be trying to "make a move" to "steal" my mom, y'know?  And to be clear, it's a specific person I focus on - it's not like I'm all Fatal Attraction-bunny killer with every female who crosses his path).  I beat myself up over it all, too, because the suspicion/paranoia/jealousy is SO out-of-character for me: I never would have considered myself a jealous person before Chebbar (although, I have said that it's because I never had anyone worth being jealous over before).  It's completely, 100% ridiculous and I *know* this (and realize/recognize it after the fact), yet I'm literally incapable of stopping the disordered thoughts - I'm so caught up in a hormonal haze of batshit insanity that there's no talking myself off the crazy ledge and stopping the negative thoughts.  

(Wow.  I sound like a lunatic.  Awesome!  *snort*  Mostly, I want to put this out there so if someone else stumbles across my blog, she might realize she's NOT alone, she's NOT losing her mind, and that there IS an explanation for what she's experiencing.)

I thought that a visual WARNING! I'd see every day during "dangerous time" might help me remember either pre-emptively, or at least in the heat of the moment.  This time around, it started with a completely innocent conversation with Dawn in which we discussed a male friend of hers and his wife's raging jealousy, insecurity, and absolute refusal to spend time with Dawn and Greg (y'know, Dawn's HUSBAND?!? yeah... ).  Of course, because this is my best friend, I'm very sympathetic (and biased); however, I couldn't very well sit there on the couch next to Chebbar without at least acknowledging my jealousy issues (which do have extenuating circumstances that were not within my control, but still).  When I got off the phone, Chebbar and I discussed Dawn's situation, which naturally shifted to our situation.  

That got my mind going, I was thisclose to an anxiety attack (it only stopped because I took an Ativan), and I shut down - I didn't say one word in the hour before we went to bed: I couldn't.  I was locked deep inside the dark pit of my brain, listening to all these nasty, hurtful thoughts.  When he asked what was up, I told him I couldn't talk about it at that time (we were in bed: I knew I wouldn't sleep if I started voicing my crazy).  The next day was a combination of things (work-related, mostly) that culminated in me sobbing at my desk and taking a second Ativan not 12 hours after the first (which always makes me feel "weak," even though this is exactly why my doctor prescribed them).  

The good part of all of this was that I was able to remind myself that this isn't *normal* and that it would pass - I was still upset, but not as much as I have been when I was unable to remember that I wasn't losing my mind.  We had a good talk when I got home from work, and - while emotionally drained - I felt better.  Saturday morning, things were back to "normal."  I'm glad I made that recurring reminder for myself.  I think it will continue to help.