Regardless of what pop-culture psychology tells us, to *ME* (enough emphasis there? lol), forgiving someone is akin to saying that what they did is okay with you. What they did? NOT okay. Never will be. Also, to *ME* forgiving someone inherently implies that the "offending" party a) recognizes that s/he did you harm, b) ADMITS that s/he did you harm, and c) has apologized for causing you harm. None of that has happened, and I'd bet everything I own it never will - that's what happens when you deal with megalomaniac sociopath, folks.
I'm not forgiving them. I won't forgive them - they don't deserve forgiveness. What I have done is write a bloody five-page letter emo-word-vomiting everything I've ever wanted to say. I ended it by writing promises to MYSELF: I will no longer carry the hurt and anger they caused; I revoke permission from them to take up valuable space in my head; I will no longer let the choice THEY made have any bearing on my opinion of my own self-worth; I will recognize this parting of ways for what it is - a BLESSING and a GIFT.
And when I get home, I'm gonna pull a Phoebe and burn that fucker to purge them from my being once and for all.
Oh Chibi,
ReplyDeleteYou've got it all wrong. Forgiveness releases you from bitterness. Forgiveness does not depend on the offender. it's all about how we deal with the offense.
Forgiveness releases love. Love is not wishy washy but hopes for the best. One of the weird things about genuine forgiveness is that it not only releases us but quite often something happens in the spiritual stratosphere that releases the offender to see their actions in their true light.
Writing down the offense or offenses and being honest about our feelings and hurt, spewing out our anger, is part of the process. Sometimes it helps to burn the letter after writing and imagine all your negative feelings going up in smoke with the paper.
The truth is that we have no idea what motivates the offender so while we may judge their actions we need to be cautious in our judgement.
Think on this. A child is sexually abused by a woman who is so twisted up she thinks she has to warn every girl that men are evil and only after one thing, so she demonstrates. It turns out the woman was so severely abused by her own father that she is warped and doesn't know it. She thinks she is the sane one.
That never excuses her behaviour but it adds compassion to the mix making it possible to forgive and leave any bitterness and anger behind. The offender never knows she has been forgiven, she is long dead but the child, grown into a woman is free.
Whether it be abuse, neglect, theft the process is the same.
I could go on and on about forgiveness but if you want to know more there is no better book than one by Carol and John Arnott called Grace and Forgiveness written from a Christian point of view.
I hope you find your way to complete peace.
Blessings
good for you. Some things are unforgivable, but you're right, the offenders do not deserve your time or energy. There is no better catharsis than the unsent letter.
ReplyDeleteOkay...a) aldgjhladhgladjhgl. Yeah. I dunno. Yeah.
ReplyDeleteb) I completely understand what you're saying - and it's something I've been trying to wrap my head around for so long. I sit here consumed by people who AREN'T WORTH IT. Who treated me like crap, who hurt me in ways that aren't forgivable, that took things from me that just can't reversed..even if there was acknowledgement, or apologies or ANYTHING of that kind. They think that it's their RIGHT to do whatever it is they want...and that that's okay. The reason that I KEEP the anger in me, is so that I don't forget, so that I don't let myself get drawn back into their BS and so that I can move forward in my life..because it's happened so many times that I've tried to forgive people..(which, unless you ACTUALLY do..is just you repressing your feelings..in my opinion) but how can you forgive people that aren't sorry for what they've done? Or don't understand why you're so upset?
You have to do what's best for you, because in the end..you're the one who has to take care of you. I wish I could emo-vomit letter write and do what you've done..to purge certain people from my life..I feel as though it would do my soul a world of good.
You can stop carrying the weight of the poor judgement, without absolving them of what they did. What you shouldn't do is allow that very immobile tether to keep you from feeling as you did before this person (people?) did what they did. Move past it and then, when faced with them, you can always allow what they did to dangle between you. Either way, I hope that the awful feelings born from what happened don't take residence inside of you.
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time with your statement, "You've got it all wrong"--how can you KNOW that you've got it right?
ReplyDeleteStarting your statement with "I think" would have been a much kinder way to phrase it. Peace.
Recently, a college boyfriend contacted me, and I told him why I'd been uninterested in contact. He apologized. It was a HUGE relief, especially since we'd been good friends for years before dating. I hadn't realized how badly I needed to hear the apology until I saw it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're dealing with creatures that don't have the same capacity.
I saw a modern-spiritual choir perform recently, and a song really resonated with me:
I forgive me x2
everything that I've been holding onto, I just let go
I surrender x2
I'm ready for my change
I had been singing it to myself almost every day since I saw it, and then the conversation with the ex lifted a huge weight: I felt like I was getting my change. ;p
Here is a less-rockin' but generally understandable-lyrics version of the song, by a different choir. Sometimes with trauma, forgiving oneself is much more important than any forgiveness that the perpetrator could ever achieve.
HUGS!
You're right. I'm sorry if came across as judgemental and crass. For me, I got it right. I haven't lived 71 years without learning a thing or two about forgiveness and getting past the rough stuff. There are uncountable wise people who I followed. Sometimes it's important to look in another direction, maybe one that you thought would be impossible, one that you want to run from. There is an answer if you look in the right place.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to anyone trying to get over and past the hurts, betrayals and mess that life sometimes dishes out. I know how it feels to want to hide in a tight cocoon forever, protecting myself from hurt, but that's not how it works.
Keep searching for the truth and you will find it.
Blessings.
I will just say that forgiveness isn't about the person who did the wrong, forgiveness is about the person who was wronged. Because once you forgive, the hurt is gone. Forgiveness isn't absolution. It isn't approval. it is simply letting it go.
ReplyDeleteIt did come across as judgmental, so I had to make a gentle reprimand on Chibi's behalf.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that sometimes the thing we want to run from is the thing we need to face. In my comment on this post, I mention a song that says "I forgive me"...I have a feeling that forgiving oneself is the most important component. And indeed, the healing hurt I mention in my comment, is something that I'd walled off in my heart and mind for ages, because I wasn't ready to deal with my icky feelings. ;p
The truth shall set us free. ;p
Thanks for being open to my response. Blessings!
I thought you would have let the person see a version of the letter that is less angry letting them know how you were hurt, that you won't forgive them, but are moving on. I appreciate the burning thing,
ReplyDeleteI have an archenemy. She also happens to be my mother in law. BWAHAHAHA. Seriously though...she does not acknowledge Jack. According to her, he's ruined our "perfect family." I purged her from my life a long time ago, and will never allow her access to my children. I will not waste my time writing her a letter.
ReplyDeleteYou're a much better person than I! smooch
I think you have to do what feels right to you with this hurt and anger. If you can't forgive them, which I understand, you need to find a way to at least release the negative stuff, and it sounds like you're trying to do just that. This stuff takes time, but I'm so proud of you for trying to move beyond it all.
ReplyDeleteGood for you lady! You don't have to "condone" their unapologetic behavior to take their power away. Kudos.
ReplyDelete