Bullet-pointed bullshit
- I was feeling left out, excluded, butt-hurt, and cranky yesterday, so I stepped away from the source, hoping I'd feel better in the morning. Nope: still feeling all of those things with a side order of overwhelmed, confused, insecure, and fuck-this-I-quit. I'm 99% certain it was an oversight and I'm just being over-sensitive, but unfortunately that 1% is a loud mofo.
- My grandfather has had a second heart attack, is back on life support, and is on a dialysis machine because his kidneys are failing. We only discovered this because I was curious about my cousin's vaguebooking and texted my siblings who were in the dark. So much for them keeping us in the loop.
- I was "volunteered" to give my mom the news. During the course of the conversation, I mentioned that I was fairly certain I wouldn't be going to a funeral: I honestly thought that he wouldn't recover when we went to the hospital, so I said what I had to say and made my peace that day. Going to the (still theoretical) funeral would only give those two harpies (and the assorted family members who have shunned us as black sheep without ever asking for our side of the story) another opportunity to hurt me, so I have no interest in putting myself in that position. Mom was less than happy with my decision (she actually sounded a little panicked, so it was likely a safety-in-numbers thing), and told me I should go "just to spite them." I couldn't figure out how to tell her that I have zero interest in willingly participating in such negativity.
- I'm turning into a dippy-hippie who reads self-help books and blogs about self-improvement and how to achieve "zen" and meditates and is trying to get back in tough with her creative side. I fear how people will react to these changes, but that will be on them: this feels RIGHT for me.
- My back isn't as sore as it was on Friday, but I've been icing the crap out of it and taking it easy (while still moving so it doesn't lock up). I stopped taking the muscle relaxants Saturday night just to see; I'll be taking them to work with me, since I can't take the ice pack (no freezer at work to keep it cold).
- I'm cleaning out my closet and dresser drawers. Now that the shit that doesn't fit well has been removed, all of a sudden I have WAY fewer clothes, so that's (not)awesome.
- I'm going to miss the damned dog when he goes home today. :(
- I feel like I need a good cry, but I don't WANT to cry. *sigh*
they call that "voluntold" in the military. Be as hippy-dippy as you want, it's your space.:) Go for it!
ReplyDeletefind your center your own way. to hell with anybody who thinks your way is "wrong." and you can be zen about it, too: i'll taco-punch them on your behalf. MYOFB or GTFO. gah, people SUCK.
ReplyDeleteOh Chibi... I don't know what to say about the majority of your bullet points... but if bullet point one is what I think it is... don't feel slighted. You KNOW everyone over there freakin adores you. I'm certain it wasn't intentional.
ReplyDeleteOh and yeah...I'd miss the dog, too. :(
cyber [[[hug]]]. You are having a tough time.
ReplyDeleteBlessings
MargieAnne
I'm pretty sure I know what you're referring to in number one, and I feel/felt the exact same way. Even more so, actually, because it was my email thread that started the ball rolling on two groups, and even after specifically asking to be in both, I wasn't until I said something about it. So yeah. That. I kind of feel myself heading in a downward spiral and not quite sure how to stop it. (Not just because of that, but it just added to other shit going on).
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. Family can be bullshit sometimes. Add unemployment and financial shit to the pile, and you have my life. Can I share your hole? I'll bring lots of chocolate.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that your family is so jerky. You shouldn't have to feel the way you do when you're around them. You also shouldn't have to feel like you should do something just to spite them. I wish I could 'get rid' of them for you. I mean, I could...just give me some notice. I want to start beefing up for prison.
ReplyDeleteDippy-hippie stuff works. Don't knock it. And don't mind the haters. If it works for you, that's all that matters.
can i file this in the "top 10 posts that i adore" category? not the negative parts, but where you stood up for yourself in regards to the funeral, the getting rid of all of the clothes that don't fit, embracing your hippie side & doing the whole self help thing........all of those things make me smile :) xoxo cheebles
ReplyDelete