How does my "family" still manage to surprise me?

My mom called my cell phone this morning, all confused about where she called and where I was: I knew immediately something was up.  She started off shakily telling me that she'd gotten a phone call and that I was going to have to make a decision.

I knew.

I knew it was one of them, anyhow.  She had gotten a phone call from a family friend letting her know that Gramps had been in the hospital since Saturday with what they thought was a heart attack, but that he'd taken a turn for the worse, had been put on a venitalator in ICU, and that the doctors had advised that family be called.  Mom talked to Rebecca about not wanting to deal with a scene (at my great grandfather's viewing, Grandmonster went into banshee-like HYSTERICS when she saw my (only 16-at-the-time) brother, collapsing on him all "WHY WHY WHYYYYY?" once again effectively making her father-in-law's death all about HER).  Rebecca promised Mom that she would "protect" her: that she'd go to the hospital first to scout ahead and report back.  (Except she was late.)

Mom told me Brad could come pick me up from work and we could all go together, but there was no one at the office but me (one's on holidays, one's out of town visiting his ailing relative, and one's on a job site), and that I knew I needed Chebbar there with me.  Then I got off the phone and completely lost my shit.  I haven't sobbed that hard or uncontrollably in a very, very long time (in fact, I was giving myself the old guilt trip because I didn't cry THAT hard when Grandpa passed away (however, I had warning that we'd be losing him, and I didn't have 10 lost years or what-might-have-beens with him because I had a relationship with him).

It was just this flood of emotions: fear, worry, sadness, anger, regret, shame, loss.  I felt - feel - cheated, both of the ten years past and what could have been in the future.  He did make an attempt last summer by coming up to us in a store.  I was hopping mad when we left (how DARE he!), but once I cooled off, I told Chebbar that it must have been scary as hell for him to take that chance.  And to this day, I honestly believe he has no clue what all Grandmonster said to me the last time I was in their home.

I called my one available boss and explained (he was amazing, as always).  Chebbar left school to pick me up (I *might* have been able to drive, but I'd already taken an Ativan, so I probably shouldn't have, and I wasn't going to do this without my rock by my side).  We flew back to town and were set to meet Mom et al. at the hospital.

When we rounded the corner into the ICU waiting room, it was like a bloody show-down of Us vs. Them: I swear to god Grandmonster, Donna, and Lindsey (Donna's daughter and my cousin) stopped dead in the middle of the hallway so we couldn't make it past.  My poor siblings were kind of caught in no-mans-land off to the side in the middle.  Oh, and we had an audience of one of Gramps's sisters and Grandmonster's brother in law (who were most CERTAINLY on their side).

Lindsey hugged  Taylor; Donna actually grabbed Mom to hug her; and Grandmonster hugged Nick.  Brad stood on one side of me and I had a death grip on Chebbar on the other.  Lindsey came over to hug me; I was trying to keep an eye on Grandmonster and lost sight of her.  Before I knew it, she was tugging on my sleeve asking if she could give me a hug [enter childhood nickname here].  I put my arms out, but down at my sides like you would do when you shrug "I don't know" - it was NOT a no, don't touch me gesture.  Instantly her sickly sweet smile was replaced by a vicious glare as she demanded, "What, I'm not welcome to give you a hug?"  After all that bullshit, I calmly and quietly said, "No, not right now."  "So you won't even give me a hug.  What are you even doing here, then?"  I told her that I wasn't there to see her: I was there to see Gramps.

(I have to interject here just to note my visceral reaction to her wanting to hug me - I'm a hugger.  I'm not sure if it's because I didn't get a lot of them when I was a kid, but I'll hug damn near ANYONE.  I wanted her no where near me, not inside my personal bubble, and certainly not touching me.  I can't explain it: I just know it was one of the strongest instantaneous negative reactions I've ever had to a human being.)

Well, THAT was the wrong thing to say.  She rounded on me with a "Well, *I* don't think he'd WANT you to see him!"  She then turned to where Mom and Donna were, demanding to know why MOM'S DAUGHTER (again! what is WITH this I'm-her-daughter-so-I-have-no-brain-of-my-own bullshit?!?) wouldn't give her a hug, which made Donna round on me and tell me to leave.  I can't remember what I said,  if I even said anything: EVERYONE was talking at that point - Grandmonster was babbling about being hurt, Mom was trying to remind her of the reasons WHY I wouldn't want to hug her, Chebbar was telling Grandmonster that this wasn't all about HER and to put her ego aside, all three of the kids were asking all of the grown ups to just stop and let it go (how pathetic is it that the children have to tell the adults how to behave. In a hospital. IN THE ICU?).  At some point in there, Donna or Grandmonster threw out the whole "Yeah, well, WE'VE been here with him since SATURDAY!"  Yeah, well, no one TOLD US until today, for fuck sakes.

Mom said she couldn't take anymore of this shit and walked away with Brad in pursuit.  Donna glared at me and said "Fine.  Just wait until the end when it's too late.  YOU'LL have to live with YOURSELF."  I looked her straight in the eye and said "No, YOU'LL have to live with that one: YOU'RE the one refusing to let me see him."  I turned on my heel and walked back down the hall.

(I honestly have NO IDEA why Donna despises me as much as she does.  Seriously.  If you've been around here very long, you probably know that I'm fairly self-aware and very honest about myself and my faults: I'd TELL you if I had the slightest clue.)

We went back outside; Nick and Taylor stayed upstairs.  We were kind of in limbo down there, not knowing whether to wait for them or what.  Rebecca called Mom, and when she heard what had happened, pretty much flipped her lid (she was Donna's friend long before she was Mom's friend, but she's maintained friendships with both of them; she'd given Donna a heads-up that we were all on our way, but told her to "just let [us] go say our goodbyes," to which she apparently agreed).  We were still outside talking to her when Nick came out to tell us that they were going to get "Them" down to the cafeteria so we could get up there because the transfer ambulance had arrived to move Gramps to an acute care hospital out of town.  We RAN back upstairs and had mere minutes with him before they needed to get him packed up.

He looked so much like my grandpa.  The grandpa I used to know.  The one who loved me.  The one who hadn't written me off.  They say your hearing is the last thing to go, so I said what I had to: I forgave him.

I don't know what will happen from here.  He's in very, very bad shape.  If it comes down to a funeral, I won't be going: I said my goodbye to him today, and I won't put myself through the emotional assault from Grandmonster, Donna, and lord knows who else for "daring" to show my face.  I do know that I'm done with that side of the family, however.  And yes, say what you will about grief and anger and changing my mind, but don't count on it.  I'm a stubborn shit.

Signed,
The Evil Bitch (Apparently: Trademark Pending)