And the hits just keep on coming

We were at Mom's last night, and in the course of conversation with Taylor, Gramps came up.  When I started to talk, I got choked up and teary-eyed, so she asked if I'd like to go in another room and away from the crowd (she is turning into SUCH a wonderful, kind, mature, amazing woman <3). 

I started to go into my version of the back story.  (I haven't gotten to this point in The Story; if I've already blogged about it, I can't find it via Google search.  If this is repeat information, I apologize!)  When my great grandparents moved from their retirement condo to an old folks' home, they had to downsize in a big way.  They had a very large portrait done on their 50th anniversary that Great Grandma decided she wanted me - the first great grandchild - to have (and unless *someone* removed it, I'd bet my front teeth my damned NAME is still on the back of said picture in my Great Grandma's handwriting). 

For some reason, Grandmonster stepped in and volunteered to "look after it for [me]": because of the hierarchy of family - she was Mom's mother, and Mom was still sort of the boss of teenaged me - neither Mom nor I said anything because we didn't really think anything of it (it's not like we lived in a cardboard box and couldn't take care of it, but still).  Fast forward 5 years or so when Great Grandma and Grandpa had passed away (and Grandmonster and Gramps hadn't spoken to me in a year), and I was at their door, asking for my picture back.  Grandmonster told me that Gramps had said I didn't "deserve" it.  (He was at work at the time.)

Because of her propensity to lie her face off, I had a very strong suspicion that if I had driven down to where Gramps worked and confronted him, I would have found that he had said no such thing.  However, the possibility of hearing something so hurtful (and untrue) again was too great, so I got back in my car and drove home.

When I relayed this to Taylor last night, her jaw actually dropped.  She kind of sputtered a bit, then told me that Grandmonster maintains she had told Gramps that she told me I *could* have the picture back IF I went there once he was home so we could talk.  He went god knows how long thinking I didn't care enough or was too much of an ungrateful asshole to go back to talk to him.  (As Chebbar pointed out in the car on the way home last night, after being married to Grandmonster and seeing her manipulations for so many years, at SOME point he probably realized that there was some untruth floating around.  But still.)

It guts me to think he died with that... impression... untruth... of me.  I'm so, so angry.  I don't know that I can forgive her for that.  I mean, on top of everything else, this was a blow to the solar plexus - I literally felt like someone had knocked the wind right out of me. 

However, I also realized last night that I'm done.  I'm tired of being angry.  I don't want it anymore - I just want to be done with the hurt and anger.  After reading all of the wonderful comments on my last post, and thinking about the post I wrote about how I visualize upset away, I've decided on what I can do to symbolically let go.  I'm going to get a bunch of helium balloons this weekend, write down the things I want to let go of, tie each one to a balloon, and release them at the cemetery.  I can say goodbye literally and figuratively.  I can put my visualization to fruition and make it work for me in a tangible way.  I almost feel lighter already just thinking about it.