Monday, July 25, 2011

Broken resolutions

No, I'm not talking about the ones I made earlier this year (although I could be... *side eye*).

I've been working through Rosie Molinary's book "Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance," which consists of 365 simple exercises to help us to accept ourselves as we are.

A couple of weeks ago, the exercise was to ask a loved one to make a resolution for you, the thought being that a loved one may see something you don't (or will focus on something more important than doing 100 sit-ups before bed).

Chebbar took a moment to consider my request, but wasted no time in issuing his edict: "I will not be so hard on myself." It took maybe an hour of my jackassery (read: "joking" that is barely above self-degradation (NOT to be confused with self-deprecation! I honestly didn't realize they were two different things until recently - I thought my nasty-ass self-talk was self-deprecation: I've long operated under the assumption that if I crack the joke about myself first, YOU can't...)) before he amended my resolution to "I will not be so hard on myself AND I will love myself." Oof.

Because of my penchant for being a First Class, Grade-A Asshole to myself - and out loud, so EVERYONE has to hear it, no less - I was understandably daunted by this two-pronged resolution. I tried to figure out how to do these two things that have been a foreign concept to me for 33 years: I figured I'd just stop saying it... out loud.

Last night, during a conversation I will not repeat due to its personal nature *cough*it may have been sex-related*cough*, Chebbar got (understandably) frustrated as I did my usual Chibi-put-down dance. He accused me (and rightly so) of not even trying to stick to his resolution for me. I was completely taken aback - not because of his accusation, but because I had completely forgotten the exercise and subsequent conversation. Ouch. It was not a proud moment for me to admit that to him.

I think it was so easy for me to forget because I didn't take it seriously. I think I didn't take it seriously because a) the self-degradation is something I've done for so long, it's become a part of my identity, and b) deep down, I doubt my ability to stop beating the ever-loving hell out of my perfectionist self every time I "fail." I apologized and promised I would try harder; he told me that he wasn't the person I needed to be apologizing or making promises to.

I am going to work on it, though, starting with a visual reminder:


I've written across the top of every page this week. I'll keep doing it until I don't need the reminder.

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6 comments:

  1. It is so easy to slip back into our old ways. Hope the reminder helps! Go easy on yourself.

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  2. I have that book too! I haven't kept up with it, but it's a wonderful book. Good for Chebbar for reminding you!

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  3. If you really do this, you will reap benefits you don't realize exist...trust me on that. And hugs.

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  4. So ... erm ... I hope you don't remind a special tip from a veteran of this battle. When you don't do it right, and you kick yourself for not doing it right, make sure you don't then beat yourself up for kicking yourself for not doing it right.

    And that is in all sincerity, although it is also funny.  Because therein lies the hardest part of stopping the self-degradation.  Once you start seeing yourself beating yourself up for .... well you get the idea ... it will seem funny but might also be a huge relief and much, much easier to practice.

    I'm waving pompoms too!  (Massages your shoulders, but in that aging coach at the boxing ring kind of way, not at all creepy.)

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  5. I could never chance writing something like that where someone might see it and then they might think "easier on herself? ha! she needs to be -harder- on herself if you ask me. loser.". Of course I think this way because I am full of the crazy. 

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  6. You can dooooo it! :) ~waves pompoms~

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