Friday, July 22, 2011

UPDATED: The grandmonster rides at dawn!

My poor mom called me not 15 minutes after I got to work this morning. Mom calling me at work is almost NEVER good news - last time she called at work was to tell me Gramps was in the hospital.This morning wasn't much different. She'd gone outside to have a smoke (I know, I know: so does she), and when she went back into the house, there was a message on the machine from Grandmonster (who I think I'm going to have to start referring to by her name (Bev), because since letting go and moving on, calling her "Grandmonster" feels very petty and childish).

To break in with some back-story, my aunt and her daughter wasted no time in each asking Bev for a "deal" on Gramps's still-pretty-damned-new truck. From what we've heard from Nick and Taylor, there is already infighting over money (which is patently ridiculous considering Bev would be the beneficiary of Gramps's will as the surviving spouse - my money-grubbing relatives need to just cool their god damned greedy jets, for the love of Pete). Mom, being the good person she is, told Taylor to let Bev know that if she needs help determining a FAIR price (for her) to ask for the truck, Brad would help her out.

We probably all should have expected that this would be seen as an "in" with Mom: Bev has wasted NO opportunity, from my great aunt's funeral, to Nick's hospital stay, to Gramps being in the hospital.

The gist of the message was that she needs Mom in her life and misses her terribly and feels like she's already lost one family member - she doesn't want to lose two. She also made a comment about how what happened at the hospital was "bad," but that she would be the bigger person and forgive and forget.

*deeeeep, calming breath*

First off, the whole she would be the bigger person and forgive and forget thing? Excuse me? She and Donna were on the attack the second they left their chairs as we approached, even though they knew we were on our way because THEY asked we be contacted. Secondly, as Mom pointed out, Bev's technically lost three family members - she made no mention of me, though. As I said to Mom, they've ALWAYS seen me as a no-mind, brainless idiot with no opinion of her own who will just follow blindly along with whatever Mom does. Too bad they have no IDEA who I am and don't realize how untrue that is. According to Mom, it doesn't matter: if it were to come down to choosing between Bev and me, she said that her and I are more of a "package deal" than anyone realizes - it's not like she's going to go to Bev's house for Christmas dinner while Chebbar and I are "home alone."

Mom's a mess. She has no clue how to handle this situation. She feels for Bev - making that phone call must have been scary as hell - but she so doesn't want to get involved in this situation again where she's used and abused (and it really is an abusive relationship). At the same time, she has no idea how to tell the woman who gave birth to her who just lost her husband that she has no interest in having a relationship with her - even after all these years and so much abuse, she doesn't want to intentionally hurt the woman. Never mind the fact that regardless of what Mom does end up saying, Bev will twist it to suit her purposes.

I have no idea what to tell her: it seems very much to be a damned if she does, damned if she doesn't situation - there's no win for anyone here. Grah.

Update: Mom had apparently decided to give Bev one more chance. She was half way down the stairs before she realized how ill she felt and asked herself what she was doing. Right then and there she decided she didn't want to ["fucking," heh] do it, and called her instead. The call went okay - Bev was polite. Mom told her she didn't think a visit was a good idea and Bev told her that she would "always" be there for her (like she has been for the past 11 years?). So, yeah. No toxins re-entering our family! Pin It

9 comments:

  1. When your damned if you do and your damned if you don't I say do whatever you damned well please cuz your damned anyway. 

    sorry for the crappy situation, i've been there with my mom too. :(

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  2. Glad your mom realized that it's ok to take care of herself and set a boundary with Bev.  Let's hope Bev got the message.  Big hugs to you, Chibi love.

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  3. I'm sorry that you and your Mom are going thru this. But just because Bev is her mother, doesn't mean she needs to be in her life. Or yours. It's okay to get toxins out of your life.

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  4. GRAH, indeed.

    **HUGS!!!!**

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  5. Ahhh Cheebs...your mom really does have a good heart. But damn it all am I PROUD of her! She did the right thing-not only for her, but for her family. That woman, ahem, Bev, needs an ice cold glass of water to the face & a good smack. Her plea of "I don't want to lose another family member" is, in my opinion, too little, too late. You & I have a somewhat similar history with grandmothers, so you know how I really feel about this whole situation :/

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  6. I suppose it would be wrong to just not call her back? I mean, that's TOTALLY what I would do, but it's probably not the *best* idea. I'm sorry she's pushing this off on your mom:(

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  7. Um...your...Bev...sounds toxic. Boundaries are our friends.

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  8. Sounds like such a stressful situation for everyone.... everyone with half a brain, that is. These things can really bring out people and their true colours, that much is for sure.

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  9. I don't really have any advice. The whole situation is the suck. 

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