Where shit's unfair and I doubt myself (some more) (as usual)

The last time I talked about Bev was after she'd called Mom, asking her to come over for a "visit" (long blog post short, after much deliberation, Mom decided it wasn't in her best interest and declined the invitation).

Fast forward to Saturday morning when I'm out getting my hair cut and Chebbar fields a all from Mom. Now, given that we'll go damn near MONTHS between calls (unless I call her) (but I'm not bitter) (much) (that's a post for a different day), hearing from her twice in the span of a week is suspicious, to say the least.

After dancing around a couple of other topics first (one of which included HER uttering the phrase "The WORST thing you can do for a depressed person... " *gnashes teeth*), she eventually spat out that she had gone to visit Bev last week. She hadn't told anyone what she was thinking of doing just in case she changed her mind and "chickened out" (which I totally understand). Long story short (including details of Gramps's last moments at home, which I was completely unprepared for and ended up sobbing silently, muffling my cries against Chebbar's shoulder while still on the phone with Mom), the visit went well, Mom still has "a lot of stuff" she needs to get off her chest, and she's "already told Taylor" that, if Bev doesn't apologize to me, Mom won't have a relationship with Bev.

Let's just let that sink in for a moment.

My mom told my sister - the one who, for the past 10 years, has had this deluded little fantasy that her whole family will someday gather 'round the Christmas tree and sing Kumbayfuckinga - that *I* will be the reason she won't have a relationship with Bev.

I don't know if she thinks she's making a "sacrifice" (read: playing martyr), or using me as a convenient scape goat, or what, but it's unfair and it's bullshit. First off, I don't WANT a fucking forced apology. Quiet frankly, at this point in time, I don't want an apology period: I honestly cannot see that woman being a part of my life again. After all, she's the one who told me point-blank that they wrote me off when they wrote my mother off, so why would I want her back in my life? That's pretty harsh, considering I hadn't DONE anything to merit something so awful.

Secondly, as I told Mom, I can't make any guarantees or promises that a (phony) apology from Bev is going to magically fix everything and we'll be that big, happy family again (oh, let's be honest: we never were). Why would I willingly put myself in the position to be hurt yet again by that pathological liar's manipulations? Quite frankly, I don't think Mom is thinking clearly about this situation, and is letting guilt/missing her father/some screwed up notion that this is what he'd "want" her to do colour her judgement: she MUST know that there is a very real possibility that Bev will hurt her again, just like she has numerous times in the past.

I ended up telling her that, regardless of what happens between Bev and I, I have no issue with the two of them rekindling their relationship. "Oh, thank god! I'm *so* relieved!" she said. That one caught me off-guard. Apparently, both her and Brad thought there was a good possibility I'd be "pissed off" that she had made the decision to go speak to her mother. It's none of MY business! It would be different if she'd shown up at my door unannounced with Bev in tow to ambush me or something, but come on.

Just as we were getting ready to turn off the light last night, I turned to Chebbar and asked him if I am wrong for not wanting to give Bev another chance: even though I hadn't thought twice about this until the phone call with Mom, all of a sudden I find myself wondering if there's something wrong with me since I'm apparently the only one of my immediate family members who wants nothing to do with the woman. And all along I've been thinking that I've made so much progress and changed so much for the better as far as being ME is concerned, yet my family treats me like I'm either some spun sugar princess who will burst into tears at the slightest hint of bad news and melt myself, or some deranged lunatic who will fly off the deep end if I hear something I don't like. I don't think I've EVER been those people, but evidently my entire family does, which then makes me wonder if I've grown at all.

I hate this shit. I hate the drama. I hate knowing a train wreck is just WAITING to happen, yet being helpless to stop it because the players aren't going to listen to me anyhow. I hate thinking that these people - my family, who are supposed to love me and know me best - won't listen to me because they seem to think I'm... I don't even know: unstable? I hate that all of this bullshit makes me doubt myself (lord KNOWS I don't need any help in that department).

Honestly? I'm staying out of it from this point. I'm going to go on living my life as the person I *know* me to be and to hell with the rest of them, and if they don't like it, too damned bad. *I'm* the only one who gets to live my life, period.