A weight lifted

Some of you may have seen the tweet I sent out yesterday:

And SO many of you answered - thank you.

I'd been practicing what I was going to say to Dr. GP over and over. Hell, I've been practicing pretty much since I made the appointment a week ago. I was worried I would talk too much or be too rambly and not make sense (much like this post will likely end up). I'm *so* glad Chebbar came with me - he had to remind me about the whole wanting-to-hurt-myself thing. 

We've upped my antidepressants (although I'm at the max now, so if this doesn't work, we'll look at adding something in because it has been working fairly well up to this point, and I honestly blame either a) stress and/or b) the change in weather/season/light for this resurgence of the depression). She very strongly stressed the benefit she feels I would get from therapy (and I agree wholeheartedly, but until our work situations are squared away, that's not in the cards for me at this exact moment - although she DID mention "online therapy" (while widening her eyes and saying she knows NOTHING about it... lol)). She refilled my prescription for Ativan, although she seemed a little reluctant to give me too many. She also instructed I return to see her at the end of the month to see how I'm doing with the adjusted meds.

While we were there, I did ramble (hence forgetting the topic Chebbar had to remind me of); however, I did manage to squeak out (amidst tears) that, while I'm in a place where I've (mostly) made peace with the idea that I may just need to be medicated long-term/permanently, part of me was worried she'd look at me and tell me I don't need the antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety medication and that I just need to suck it up and tough it out. She gave this little mock look of shocked outrage, then chuckled as she said "Do you even KNOW me?!?"

I felt so much better walking out of there, as if a huge weight had been lifted (yet again) - knowing that I had been heard, that I had a plan, that she isn't going to cut me off cold turkey helped so much. I commented to Chebbar that it bothers me sometimes how quickly I can go from upset/yelling/crying/whatever to happy-go-lucky as if nothing ever happened minutes later once a resolution has been achieved - that it worries me people will think it's not that serious, or that I'm just faking. He assured me that the people who matter - those who know me best - know the truth.

So, for now, I'm going to let the meds do their work. I'm going to cut myself some slack. I'm going on a "should" elimination diet. I'll do only what feels right (aside from basic hygiene, sleeping, eating, etc.). I'll be gentle, loving, and compassionate with myself.

Again, I do want to thank everyone who has reached out to me in this past week. As my dear friend Erin verbalized, I'm not someone who asks for help often or easily: this is how I do it - the emo-word-vomit blog posts are how I let people know I'm not in a good place (without having to come right out and say that I need support). I'm beyond grateful that I have so many fanfreakingtastic friends who GET it and just KNOW and DO reach out. So, thank you. I appreciate your love and support more than I could ever say.