Until Chebbar asked if we could go for lunch (sure): he'd text some friends and see if anyone else was available (oh, crap). The second he mentioned other people, my hand instinctively flew to my face. He went to brush his teeth, and the troll in my brain started flapping his gums.
"You aren't seriously considering leaving the house like THAT, are you? You look GROSS. You should at LEAST have a shower and do your hair properly. People are going to LAUGH at you."
I was completely overwhelmed and bordering on an anxiety attack when I went down the hall to grudgingly tell Chebbar I'd have to have a shower: "No problem. Your showers are quick - we have over an hour." I guess maybe I was looking for him to... say surprise, that he hadn't invited anyone? I don't even know. What I do know is that I pretty much acted like a bratty child as I stripped off my clothes, heaving each item violently toward the bed.
Enter shower: commence crying. I'm huge. I'm gross. I'm disgusting. I'm a fucking hippopotamus. I'm gross. I'm a fat pig. I'm disgusting. This is all my fault. I'm gross. If I could just LEARN to stop stuffing my cake hole and get off my fat ass, I wouldn't have this problem. I'm disgusting.
I have to stop denying that the weight I've gained isn't a big deal: my clothes don't fit comfortably anymore. However, I'm loathe to go buy bigger sizes because a) I don't want to ADMIT I need a larger size, b) I detest the idea of spending money on BIGGER clothes (because I secretly hope I wont NEED a bigger size for long), and c) we don't exactly have the money for me to go buy a new wardrobe right now. So one top of feeling shitty about myself, the fit of my clothes is making me physically uncomfortable.
I'm stuck in this place of not wanting to DIET (and, yes, partially because I like cookies, dammit) or fall back on workouts like I used to - exercise turned into a chore because I used it as a means to punish myself for being a fat, lazy, disgustingly gross slob. When I lost weight the first time, it's because I was bordering on Compulsive Exercising Disorder. Workouts ruled my life: if I had to miss a workout for any reason - stayed late at work, family event, sick - I would beat myself up to the point where I'd end up in tears... over ONE missed workout when I was working out SEVEN days a week! Not healthy. And since my body wasn't used to activity to that degree, it pretty much started shutting down on me within three months. I don't want to go back there, but it's the only thing I know gets results.
So how do you love - hell, I'd settle for just like at this point - yourself when SEEING yourself makes you feel ill and ashamed?
(This is 99% whore moan-related, and I'll probably feel better tomorrow, but the question still remains. In the meantime, maybe I'll go back and read some of the more positive posts I've written.)
Honey, you are fucking beautiful. Go buy a couple new outfits that fit. Don't worry about what number is on the tag. Fuck the number on the tag. Sizes are so random that the number is meaningless any damn way. If it fits and makes you look good, fuck what size is on the tag. I know that's easier said than done. Yet there is much to be said for how good a woman feels when the clothes fit and look good.
ReplyDeleteAnd know that you are beautiful. You are fucking beautiful, no matter what fucking number is on the tag. Beautiful, damnit.
I admit, on the rare occasions I get mired in self disgust, my best solution is to change it. I quite the negative self talk and start making a plan for improving things right then and there. Maybe it's a good eyebrow grooming, or a pedicure. Maybe it's adjusting my food plan for the next day so I am being proactive. But I get more mileage out of using that vitriol as rocket fuel than a whip to beat myself with, you know?
ReplyDeleteOH, so know how you feel. I have been there so many times. :( It will get better. Your body will change again and you will be ok. I know, easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteI came down to the comments to write something really profound (for me) but then I read the other comments. They said everything I wanted to say, but they said it better. (Did anyone else print off KCLAndersons comment to use later?) (I pink puffy heart Dr. Northrup.)
ReplyDeleteChiby, you know I love you to the point of stalking. Next time you have those thoughts, think of all of us and all the love we send you. xo
I was all ready to type a manifesto and then I read through the comments. What Karen said is brilliant. Take her advice. Connect with your heart. You are so loved and so, so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI heart you, Chibi Jeebs. Lemme know when you've got this worked out-I'd love the secret!
ReplyDeleteAs I'm in one of those states right now, I can totally relate. And I've come home and put on my comfy, slobby PJs, and even though there's no-one around, I still feel like a big old slug. Why do we feel this way about ourselves? How do we make it stop? I don't know the answers, but i wanted you to know you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you know it's your head, and not your body, that makes you feel so bad. My weight is in the "normal" range, yet I say the same things to myself that you do. It's mental, and it's soul-crushing.
ReplyDeleteBuy some clothes that fit, and make you feel good. I lost about 20 pounds a few years ago, and it was because I felt better getting dressed in the morning after purchasing (just a few) nice items in the correct size. Take it one day at a time. I'll disagree with some other advice here--avoid the mirror if it just makes you feel bad. I fon't undress in front of the mirror anymore because I use it as an excuse to beat myself up over every single percevied flaw. It's exhausting and counterproductive. Take it one day at a time.
I love you woman. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI've no answers to this one I'm afraid. It's a bloody hard way to be though I know. I feel many of the things you feel. I think sometimes just owning our feelings is the first step rather than trying to fix it if that makes any sense? Just saying "well this is how I feel right now, it sucks but in time it will change". Being aware of it. Also recognising that it's other's perceptions of us that bug us. You were ok until you heard there were other people coming right? Why do we do that?! The sad reality is most other people are so wrapped up in their own crap they don't even see ours and even if they do does it really make a difference? Will what they think really change anything?
ReplyDeleteI went to see my doctor the other day and I now have a prescription for prozac. Still deciding whether I will take it or not but I'm definitely going to go for counselling too. Right now I'm easing up on the weight thing but still trying to be healthy. I know now that I have to sort my head out first before I can tackle my weight/exercise etc. I'm asking too much of myself otherwise but I have decided that doesn't give me a licence to eat everything in sight. I haven't gained weight in two months and I'm choosing to see that as a very positive step in my journey.
Sorry didn't mean to make this all about me! I just want you to know you are so, so not alone!!!
OH hon, I'm sitting here tearing up because I feel SO MUCH LIKE THAT right now. I'd like to tell you I have some magical words or a ritual that will help, but some days nothing does. So I'll send virtual hugs, which come with virtual cookies (and of course virtual means NO calories to worry about!), and tell you I love you just like you are.
ReplyDeleteI totally get this. I'm still a small person by most people's standards. I'll openly admit I'm a size 6-8 (depending on the cut). That's a completely normal healthy size. I know this. I accept this. But just a few years ago I was a size 2-4. Not because I tried to be, but because I was just born little. I don't want to lose weight per say. I don't really want to lose size. But I desperately want to turn fat into muscle, and tone up some of the loose ends so that clothes will fit the way I'm use to them fitting. Like the love handles that stick out of every pair of pants making me feel fat when I know I'm not. And tone my thighs so pants will actually fit me. Because right now my thighs are too thick for most pants in a 6-8. Apparently most sixers have stick thighs. Ugh. So yeah, I get this. We beat ourselves up when we don't need to. And I don't have the answer you seek. But know that you aren't alone! Love you!
ReplyDeleteI wont get all blabbering at you (because I think I'm half asleep right now), but I want you to know you're not alone. I have these times where I sit on the edge of my bed and stare into my closet and cry. Sure...the clothes fit...but barely. I put them on and barely zip them up and hate myself. Some days are worse than others...some days I totally accept myself and my weight, other days I wish I had never gotten counseling for anorexia. So I tell myself the same thing I tell myself when I'm panicking about other situations: One day at a time. One HOUR at a time. One minute at a time. No more. No analyzing and dreading and flipping out about anything beyond this one minute. (((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI find myself having more and more of those sorts of days, too. I am so sorry. I tried to be sorry about the cookies, but I can't. I love you, I love you, I love you.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are having a bad day. I'd go to lunch with you even if you didn't shower and fix your hair. That may sound weird from a stranger but I've been reading your blog for a while so I feel like I know you. Maybe this will make you laugh.
ReplyDeleteWhy are pirates so sexy
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They just ARRRRGH
Sorry I have a very corny since of humor
I can also relate. I don't have any advice but wanted you to know you are definitely not alone.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate. I feel that way often. I really can. I send so much love.
ReplyDeleteThere is not a single statement you made that I couldn't completely 100% commiserate on. I think its been three years since I wore yoga pants to actual yoga. And my daughter's 15 months old and I wore a maternity skirt to work today, because I refuse to buy bigger clothes.
ReplyDeleteWe have go to work on this magic way to be thin without working for it because there is nothing less that I want to do than exercise and not eat delicious things like hamburgers.
Babes, hang in there! I know it's hard being gentle with yourself. I love you from way across Teh Internetz and I have never eva seen you in your full glory. And you are just awesome that way. Smooches!
ReplyDeleteTake a deeeeeep breath.
ReplyDeleteUnscrunch your shoulders.
Take another deep breath.
Soften your eyes.
Acknowledge reality (which ISN'T "I'm huge. I'm gross. I'm disgusting. I'm a
fucking hippopotamus. I'm gross. I'm a fat pig. I'm disgusting. This is all my
fault. I'm gross. If I could just LEARN to stop stuffing my cake hole and get
off my fat ass, I wouldn't have this problem. I'm disgusting.") You
can't hate yourself to thin or health.
Then do this mirror exercise: You can do it full clothed, naked, or somewhere in
between. The more naked, the better.
Stand with your back to the mirror. Take some deep belly breaths. Think about
someone or something that you love unconditionally—a baby, a puppy, your
spouse, your partner. Think of how much this being brings to your life and how
much you love it. Feel the googly, melting heart feeling until it you can’t
tell whether it’s emotional or physical. It should feel like your chest is expanding
with warmth and goodness.
Now imagine yourself as a little child who is
totally loveable and vulnerable. Take yourself into your own heart.
Now turn around with your eyes closed. Soften your
eyes. Take a few deep belly breaths. Check your posture? Are you tense? Are
your shoulders up around your ears? Unlock yourself. Relax. Take some more deep
breaths. Open your eyes and keep them soft. Look at yourself in the mirror with
soft eyes and turn that warm googly, melty heart feeling in to yourself. Immerse
yourself in it for as long as you can.
I developed this exercise based
on something that Dr. Christiane Northrup told me during an interview, and
combined it with an affirmation I learned in the Living Lighter class I took
back in 2009.
It’s a super-charged
affirmation that works on our emotions and our physical bodies.
Dr. Northrup explains that the
electromagnetic field around our hearts (the center of our emotions) is a
hundred times more powerful than the electromagnetic field of our brains (the
center of our thoughts). This means that no matter what you think, what
you feel always wins! (and understand that thoughts and feelings are very different, but are intertwined...we often mistake one for the other).
So when you are able to feel
such powerful emotions, to the point that you sense them physically as well,
and then you direct them inward, it’s powerful stuff!
Oh, Chibi! I've been feeling the *exact* same way today. I have the same questions. On days like today, I'd rather just stay in bed and magically wake up a helluva lot thinner. I wish it worked that way. It's not only the way I look. It's the way I feel and the things I think. I'm tired of beating myself up. It's starting to effect (affect? I'm an english graduate student and still can't get it right.) other parts of my life. I wish I had the answer. Maybe I will tomorrow. ILOVEYOU!
ReplyDeleteI just love you! I feel the same exact way. I was working out for a while, feeling all good. but it didn't last long. I hate working out. I love food. I have a freak out when we are going somwhere because a) most of my clothes are dirty (UGH) and b) none of them fit me anyway! Like you said, you can wear cute clothes but just don't feel comfortable when your stuffing yourself in them. I can only say that we will have better days and life will go on. and I think focusing our energy elsewhere might want us to throw in a workout here or there or eat a small portion. AS FOR ME, I have decided while reading this, I'm going to ask Santa for some new clothes THAT FIT. :) :) :)
ReplyDeleteLoving/Liking yourself ain't always easy. I say that as though I've managed to accomplish it. :p In all seriousness, this is one bad day. You're trying to correct a lifetime of self-hate. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteAwww, sweets. Huge *HUGS*.
ReplyDelete