How do you get past abandonment issues?

When I was seven, my world fell apart. My parents separated; when Mom couldn't make ends meet, Nick moved back with Dad, and Mom and I moved in with my grandparents. Before long, my mom moved out, and I remained with my grandparents. My grandmother told me Mom left me there because she didn't want me anymore.

Growing up, I was praised for getting good grades and doing well in school; however, my parents weren't the type to ground me because I got a B instead of an A on my report card - there was no pressure that I recall. (The "worst" I can remember is having my grandfather, upon seeing a test with a 97% mark, look at me and ask where the other 3% was instead of praising me.) The only other thing I was ever complimented on was my skin: obviously, when it went to pot when I turned 27, it became a sore spot of shame and embarrassment for me.

I was the eldest child. I was expected to help out with my siblings and around the house. I was expected to set an example. I was expected to figure things out "correctly" the first time. I was the stereotypical first-born: conscientious, people-pleasing, reliable, perfectionist, "needy of approval."

I've been aware of my abandonment issues for quite awhile now. Poor Chebbar has been dealing with them for the last 4.5 years. I'm getting marginally better at not assuming he's going to leave me every time we disagree, but I'm still stuck on "have to do everything perfectly without needing help (or being a burden) or he'll get tired of me and top loving me."

Lately, though, things seem to have come full circle and my fear of being discarded is focused on Mom. Ever since she rekindled her relationship with Bev (at least, I *think* she's still talking to her: I have no clue) (and now that I've reread that post, the line about her not having a relationship with Bev if Bev doesn't apologize to me is sticking out like a sore thumb - I've received no apologies or anything else to signify that she'd like to make amends/try again), I've felt like things have changed. Chebbar insists that I'm not giving Mom enough credit and that, from what he's gotten to know of her in the 4.5 years we've been together, my mom would NEVER "abandon" me for anyone, let alone Bev.

But I can't help it. I don't remember the last time I saw her. I don't remember the last time we spoke on the phone. (And yes, I know the phone works both ways: however, she's my MOM - if anyone's going to know something is up with me just by my voice, it's her. I'm worried I won't be able to hide my anger/hurt/fear, and I'm not ready to tackle this head-on just yet.) The troll in my head gets hold of these thoughts like a dog with a bone and just won't. let. go.

I'm slowly starting to realize that I've been living my life from a place of fear. The self-loathing I experience is breathtaking: I hate myself for being weak, needing help, not being perfect, whatever, but then I go on to hate myself for even worrying about not being good enough and fearing abandonment. It's a vicious circle I can't seem to find my way out of.

I know I need to work on myself - my self-confidence, just being OKAY with who I am - but I don't even know where to start. The therapy appointment two weeks ago went well, but it resulted in the recommendation of group therapy that isn't set to start until mid-January. (I feel that the therapist's recommendation is valid and that I'll get a lot from the group, for the record.)

I have a feeling that this is just a comfortable, old "friend" to fall back on. I mean, let's face it: there's a hell of a lot of stress around here, what with neither of us working yet and Chebbar having applied for a job out of province (holy fuckballs!). But yeah. I had a breakdown on Tuesday; I had a breakdown on Saturday; I had a breakdown on Sunday. I'm not coping well (let's call a spade a spade: I'm shutting down and isolating again).

Today I feel okay. Hopeful. However, I worry this feeling will be fleeting.