The apathy is back & brought its friends anger and fear

I had a melt down last night. It started over an argument over bloody vegetables, of all things (I wanted more added to the casserole: Chebbar didn't; he ended up "caving" and adding more to "appease" me (my words, not his), which pissed me off more, for some reason). I took a shower while the casserole was in the over so I could calm down; instead, my ire grew. I was pissed the fuck off by the time I got out of the shower (sorry for the language: I was THAT mad). I stalked back into the kitchen spoiling for a fight. I was literally balanced on my toes, just waiting to lash out and strike at him (which is SO unlike the "normal" me).

Underneath the anger was a frisson of fear: I was scared, but I couldn't pin down what I was afraid of or why - I was just a big, whirling ball of angry fear. The emo-word-vomit started at that point...
I may not have a job after Christmas. Again. The last time this happened, I stressed myself into a three-month bout of insomnia and a good 25lb weight gain (that I still haven't managed to lose three years later). The thought of going through that again scares the hell out of me. In the four years we've been together, I've been the one to have a steady, reliable income: he didn't like hearing it, but I feel like I HAVE to have a job and I HAVE to provide for us (Chebbar's very old-fashioned and feels that HE should provide for ME - needless to say, multiple lay-offs have been hard on him, hence his return to school, us living on my income, and the disastrous fall-out if I do lose my job).

I decided to take a chance on myself and try to start my own business as a virtual assistant so I can work from home, be my own boss, and not be at the mercy of someone's retirement making me redundant. I can't even begin to express how freaking scary it is to do this: I don't have faith in myself. I never do. I'm a rampant anal-retentive perfectionist control freak - if I can't do it perfectly, I consider myself to be a massive failure, so taking the leap and doing this blind makes me want to vomit.

I'd like to contact my dad with questions about starting my own (home-based) business to see if he has any tips for me. However, I can see him mentioning it to my brother, who will likely mention it to my mother, who will be butt-hurt that I didn't tell her myself. It's not that I don't want to tell her, I just don't feel like talking to her (or anyone, for that matter) at all right now (see: the apathy).

I'm jealous of Mom's rekindled relationship with her mother. I'm jealous that the woman who abused my mother from birth is getting her time and attention. I'm also hurt that this woman doesn't appear to give a rip that she has nothing to do with me. And then it pisses me off that I'm hurt in the first place: she's toxic and I'm GLAD to have her out of my life, so why am I hurt, for crying out loud?

My paternal grandmother left a message. On Tuesday. That I didn't return because I was busy making the second dish for his second potluck lunch at school. While he sat on his ass playing something on the Xbox. I didn't call her back last night because I was in the midst of losing my shit. I had a case of the "shoulds" (I should call her), but didn't care enough to do it. Now I'm feeling guilty as hell that it's been two days and I STILL don't feel like calling her back - I just don't feel up to the conversation, y'know?

I've been on antidepressants for a year now (a year and ten days, to be precise). Even though I'm a fierce defender of mental health and destigmatizing medication, I looked at Chebbar last night with fear in my eyes and asked what happens if I'm NEVER "better"? If I'm on them for the rest of my life? When he replied with "so what if you are?" I burst into tears (again). I vacillate between thinking I'm okay enough to try to wean off them to being scared shitless of the day that my doctor suggests the same thing - I don't KNOW If I'm okay or if I will be without them.

I'm tired of putting everyone and everything ahead of myself. I'm tired of always being last (when I even rate being on my list). The awful thing is that *I* put myself in that position - IF anyone expects to always have his or her needs met first and immediately, it's because *I* have allowed that for, well, my whole life. I feel like it's on me to do everything and be everything to everyone, all the time.

I think the scariest part of the break down was the feeling of wanting to hurt myself - not in a suicidal way: in a self-harming way. I was clenching my teeth to keep myself from screaming or crying, and all I wanted to do was keep clenching them until they shattered. I had the urge to take my fingernails and rake them all over myself until I was bloody, not as some form of release or relief, but to PUNISH myself (for what, I don't know).

I just want to go to sleep for a month until everything has blown over. My stress and anxiety are at an all-time high and I'm not managing well (my dermatillomania is completely out of control: I can't go more than an hour or two without picking at my skin). I've made an appointment to see my doctor next Tuesday. I'm scared to talk to her, to 'fess up, because I know she'll tell me (again) that I need to see a therapist (which I know and wholeheartedly agree with), but it's just not in the cards at the moment, between schedules and cost. I'm treading water, but I'm barely keeping my head above water.

Taking a wee break

I've got some... shit going on that I need to take care of. I know everyone disses people who are all "Oh, I'm SO important y'all are gonna WORRY if I disappear for five minutes, so I'd better tell you ALLLLL about why I'm taking a break!" but screw that: I know some of you guys *will* worry if I drop off the radar without a word all of a sudden...

So, I'm okay (mostly) and I'm taking care of shit (because Chebbar's forcing me) and I'm still available via email if you need me (it's my name at gmail if you don't already have it). I love you all and I apologize for being a self-indulgent asshole with this post.

Sunday Sound-Off on Monday

I decided that, being the rampant narcissist I am, I'd do a weekly round-up of the best blog posts I've read, pretty pictures I've gazed at, and (for shits and giggles) the top things I was grateful for this week. Because I just know you're all dying to know this crap, right?!?  :D

 

 

Sorry I'm late, but we were at the 20th anniversary Pearl Jam concert last night, so yeah... (Love! Amazing! GAH!)

Read this:

1. JenO_Eh writes an excellent post about parents' owning their children's (bullying) behaviour. I stood up from my computer and clapped when I read it - you should read it, too.
2. Sunday from Adventures in Extreme Parenting shares an awesome list of iPad apps for special needs kids.
3. 27 Healthy Habits of Happiness from Marc and Angel Hack Life.
4. Tantra Tuesdays: You Are Loved is an older post from Danette at The Drawing Board, but it's definitely worth the read!
5. Think you can't practice mindfulness or meditate? Think again: even a few minutes a day can boost happiness, says Wray Herbert over at Huffington Post.

Think on this:

1. New pants (yes, really)
2. Standing up for what I believe
3. PJ20 documentary
4. Being flexible and open to change
5. Watching two good friends get married

What's on YOUR wish list?

Yes, I know: it's completely obnoxious to remind you that Christmas is in... *counts* 93 days before September has even ended. Blame it on my mom - she's the one already looking for wish lists!

 KitchenAid Ice Cream Attachment $69.94

It makes ice cream. It attaches to my favourite kitchen gadget ever. What more can I say?

"Nerd" Book Ends $21.99

I mean, seriously. How much more could a book nerd ASK for?!?

Kuhn Rikon Spill Stop Lid $29.95

I don't know about you, but I am forever boiling-over the vegetables (especially the peas - do you KNOW what burning pea-water (not to be confused with pee-water) SMELLS like? It smells like losing your appetite, thank you veddy much). Hat tip to @countessmo for this one!

 "Only the smart people will cringe" T-Shirt $22.25

I adore Jenny, @thebloggess. She is unbelievably funny and authentic and awesome. I have a girl crush on her and want to wear her merch(andise because I can't bring myself to use the (not)word "merch" with a straight face). Also, if you don't get the joke on this shirt, we might not be able to be friends anymore.

So, what's on YOUR list this year?

Body Lovin' Homework - Week 3

Week 1

Week 2

In love, I carry... compassion and empathy. If I have decided that you are one of my "people," the way I am wired means that I carry YOU with me - your happiness, your pain, your anger - all of it. I feel others' pain almost as intensely as if it was my own. I love fiercely and loyally. I protect those I love with all of my being. In love, I also carry guilt and fear - guilt over not being good enough, and fear that the inadequacy will be discovered and I will be abandoned.

In love, I need... understanding and compassion, even if it's just an attempt to understand. I need strength and support, even if it's quiet support - I need to know you have my back and that you're in my corner. I need to feel safe and secure. And as much as I hate to admit it, due to the above, I need near-constant reassurance, which sucks and is awful and makes me feel weak and lame and needy.

Fall is RIGHT around the corner! Are you ready?

It's that time again - boots and sweater season! YAAAAAY!

 

"En Route" Bag $48

I love the colour of this purse! That pumpkin-y orange would brighten up any dreary day.

Lassen Kansas Boots $135

I'm sure these would be on Stacy & Clinton's "don't" list, but I don't care: I could kick some serious ASS in these boots!

 Out and About Coat $119.99

I adore the ruffles on this coat (and I'm not generally a fan of ruffles).

Shawl-Collar Cardigan $39.94

I'm still trying to get used to the whole no-way-to-close-'em sweaters, but this one's cute. It also comes in blue.

Jersey Knotted Flats $14.50

These shoes remind of really warm flannel - they come in a bunch of other colours, too.

Possibily Unpopular Opinion #29: I mustache you a question

#29: What is WITH the mustache fixation, The Internetz? Don't get me wrong - they're kinda cute, but I just don't understand the mugs/props/costumes/tattoos. 

Source

Explanation

The Band Back Together Auction is Live!

We're live, folks, and there's some AMAZING stuff up for grabs - everything from greeting cards and jewellery, to a custom web design and delicious cookie mixes! WHEE! Go check it out! Bid! Get a jump on holiday shopping! Or buy something for yourself (you KNOW you deserve it)! Yes, I'm using a lot of exclamation points: I'M EXCITED!!! :D

P.S. I have a set of hand-made greeting cards up for grabs, too. You can find 'em here!

Sunday Sound-Off

I decided that, being the rampant narcissist I am, I'd do a weekly round-up of the best blog posts I've read, pretty pictures I've gazed at, and (for shits and giggles) the top things I was grateful for this week. Because I just know you're all dying to know this crap, right?!?  :D

Check it out:

1. Margarita Tartakovsky shares her list of 30 Things You Can Do Every Day to Boost Your Body Image on her blog, Weightless. Is there anything you do to feel good about your body that didn't make the list?
2. Alle Malice tells us How to Effectively Kill a Really, Truly, TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE Mood. I dare you to read this without laughing.
3. A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not "Crazy"
4. Ryan Simmons explains why Grabbing a Man's Butt is Sexual Harassment, Too.
5. And a shameless plug from me because this post kinda felt like a breakthrough: Fat Girl Slimmed.

Holy gratefulness, Batman!

1. Being accepted as family
2. Sleeping in my own bed after a weekend away
3. Great days (three of them! in a row!)
4. How my butt looks in those jeans
5. Crying it out - yes, grown ups can do this, too

Fat girl slimmed

I've figured it out! I'm not "plus sized," "fluffy," "chubby," or "big boned(ed)": I'm full-figured! Y'know, as opposed to all you, erm, half-figured gals? *snort*

 Source

Last night I read Dianne Sylvan's "Ten Rules for Fat Girls" on her blog, Crazy Beautiful. The first few lines of Rule #8 (Deal with Your Fat) really caught my attention: "Don’t pretend to be skinny if you’re not.  Take up space.  It’s okay. You’re not fooling anyone by sucking in your gut anyway."

Don't pretend to be skinny if you're not. I've been living that way for more minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, YEARS than I care to count. I've been walking around like an embarrassed and apologetic skinny girl trying to hide the fact that she's gained weight fat - if I wear that shirt with those pants, it will disguise my tummy/higher heeled shoes will make me look longer and leaner/if I hold myself just so and not turn that way, no one will notice how big my arms are...

I've allowed this shame about my body to rule my life and hold me back. It's been miserable, and I'm done. I'm done feeling embarrassed by the shell that houses my soul. I'm tired of feeling ashamed of myself simply because my body doesn't hold up to the ridiculously unobtainable and heavily altered pictures in magazines. Because fact of the matter is that I've felt like a "moose" ever since my mom called me one when I was 12 - even at 125lbs in high school I was wearing size 12 pants: despite my short stature, I've never been tiny.

So, I'm gonna live my life like the big girl I am. The one with a great rack and rockin' curves and an ass that looks great in those jeans. I'm going to stop trying to squeeze myself into size X with shame staining my face red just so I can deny that I do need to step into the "full-figured" section depending on the cut of the season. I'm going to stop blaming my body for the things I "can't" (read: feel too insecure to) do. I'm going to do my level best to love who I am on the inside and treat the outside with respect - after all, I would never stop cleaning my house or washing my car, so why should I stop taking care of my body (which CAN'T be replaced, unlike a house or a car)?

This isn't to say that I'm going on a great, big I-don't-care-a-thon: I'll continue making the best food choices I can, getting exercise of one form or another on a regular basis, and listening to my body. I think if I start treating it with a modicum of respect, it might surprise me.

Pro-Tip: For Work

Pro-Tip #3: Banging away at your keyboard like an elephant trying to dodge a herd of stampeding mice will not make it seem like you type as fast as your co-worker.

Christmas is coming! No, wait! Hear me out!

Hey, I got your attention, right? Hopefully you didn't run away when you saw the C-word. ;)

As I mentioned on Friday, Band Back Together has recently filed for federal non-profit status (yay!). Unfortunately, the filing fees are VERY (*cough*$850*cough*) high (boo!). In order to raise funds, The Band is holding an auction!

Starting Monday September 19th, the awesome items that have been donated by so many fantastic people will be displayed on The Band's auction site. Just think: you can get a jump on your holiday shopping for yourself your loved ones AND help The Band - how great is that?!?

We're still looking for auction items - handmade items, collectibles, pieces of art, baked goods, a service (such as blog design), etc. - so if you have anything you'd like to share, email crys [at] bandbacktogether.com with

1. A photo of your item
2. Your name and the name of your blog
3. A short description of the auction item
4. A suggested starting bid

Once the auction starts, it will be open for 1-2 weeks with bids being tracked in the comments on the auction site. The item(s) will be shipped to the winning bidder once payment has been received via Paypal. If you're so inclined and/or aren't interested in an auction, you can also donate via Paypal. (As an added bonus, Aunt Becky has said she'll send you one of her freaking hilarious T-shirts if you donate $100 or more.) And if you're unable to do that (times ARE tight, after all), feel free to share the auction info - you can even get the code to display that pretty button up there on your blog on the auction site.

And just so you know, all proceeds from this auction will go toward costs of filing for non-profit status, running the Band Back Together site, and outreach efforts.  We will not be pocketing the money or spending it on a hot dog party! (Sorry, Aunt Becky: you're gonna have to buy your own encased meats. *wink*)

Interesting...

It's interesting to learn that you've been blaming yourself for MONTHS for nothing.

It's interesting to realize that your confusion was legitimate and well-founded.

It's interesting to learn that what you thought was a half-assed conspiracy theory was closer to the truth than you could have imagined.

It's interesting to learn that this has happened before.  Multiple times.  It's sad to realize that it will likely continue to happen.

It's interesting to realize just how much one person can snow many people.

It's interesting to feel vindication and a sense of sadness at the same time - for all parties involved, for yourself, for what was lost (which now feels like it was never actually real anyhow).

It's interesting to sit back and wonder if there is fear in knowing that people are starting to talk, to piece things together, to figure things out.

It's interesting to be able to feel like you can finally put it all behind you and move on, knowing you're far better off knowing the truth.




ETA: I apologize - I just realized I should have included that I'm fine: this is a post that has been sitting in drafts for quite awhile. It just took me this much time to find the ovaries to post it. ;)
xoxo

Never Forget

Source

Sunday Sound-Off on Saturday

In light of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 tomorrow, I'm posting this a day early.



I decided that, being the rampant narcissist I am, I'd do a weekly round-up of the best blog posts I've read, pretty pictures I've gazed at, and (for shits and giggles) the top things I was grateful for this week. Because I just know you're all dying to know this crap, right?!?  :D

Read it: 

1. Bridget from Intuitive Bridge wrote an excellent post about grief and how it affects everyone differently: Why are you crying? You didn't even KNOW her. This one hit home for me because I feel other peoples' grief strongly and have been in the position (many, many times) of crying for someone I don't know.
2. My first post for Draft Day Suit!
3. Marc and Angel Hack Life with their 140 Ways to Change the World.
4. Ega Jones shares 24 Ways to Feel Comfortable in Your Skin.
5. Nancy Upton takes on American Apparel's plus-size model search with her tumblog "That's not our demographic." Love it! Love her!

Source

 Enjoy it: 

1. Being part of something awesome and amazing
2. Sparkly nail polish
3. Light bulb moments
4. New internet radio stations
5. Bubble baths made for sulking and soaking away the butthurt

It's a Band-a-licious weekend!

Band Back Together is up to some pretty amazing stuff this weekend, and we'd love it if you joined us!

 1) @mayhemmatriarch started her 24-hour blogathon this morning with a goal to raise $500 to donate to Band Back Together. She'll be blogging every half an hour until 9am EST. Pop over to her blog, say hello, and support her while she supports The Band (and gets a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs due to sleep deprivation! hehehe).

2) Tomorrow is Band Back Together's first anniversary! Can you believe it? It seems like just yesterday Aunt Becky shared her (brilliant) idea with the rest of the interwebz. We'll be running posts about why people are with The Band - if you have a story to share, go write!

3) Sunday will see the 10th anniversary of 9/11. In honour of this somber occasion, Band Back Together will be publishing your memorial posts. There's still time to submit if you wish.

4) Band Back Together has filed for non-profit status, but the filing fees are a little hefty. In order to pull the money together, we'll be holding a fundraising auction starting September 19th. If you have an item, craft, service, gift card, etc. you'd like to donate to help raise funds, please email Crystal at crys [at] bandbacktogether.com. Otherwise, stay tuned and get ready to bid on some awesome stuff!

Pro-Tip: aisle vs. isle

Pro-Tip #2:

Aisle: narrow passageway (like in a grocery store)


Isle: island (like the Kenny Rogers/Dolly Parton classic "Islands in the Stream")

You're welcome (for not making it auto-play... MUA HA HAAA).

So what? Who cares? (aka "Living As If")

We are going away this weekend to visit Chebbar's aunt and uncle. I'm dreading the trip. (Hi, honey! Hope you don't read this until AFTER we get back!)

I made one of my usual smart-ass jokes on his sister's facebook page, and his aunt took exception and called me rude. Now, to be fair, she did follow up by saying that it DID make her laugh; unfortunately, when you're as hyper-sensitive and a consummate people pleaser like I am, this type of remark stings - I'm embarrassed to face her, even though she's likely forgotten by now.

The other issue is that I'm ashamed of my body because of the weight I've gained and don't want them to see my like "this." Logically I know this is silly: *if* they even notice, they're unlikely to be rude enough to actually SAY something, but part of me burns with shame at the thought of what they might say once we're gone. And again, I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

I've mentioned Rosie Molinary's book "Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance" in another post. Yesterday's exercise was to imagine that nothing ever changes: that how you look today is how you'll look forever - no weight loss, no dying your hair, no bleaching your teeth. What would you want to make sure you got to do? How would you live if this were it? What would you do differently?

Wow.

What would I do differently? EVERYTHING. I'd stop letting my perceptions and fears about my body (image) hold me back. I'd get back to exercising for the health benefits and quit freaking worrying about pounds lost (or gained!). How would I live if this were it? I'd live the same, but better - I wouldn't let my poor self-image get in my way: I'd live a life of thinking so what if people don't like how I look? and who cares what they think? If I'm good with it, that's all that matters! I'd stop letting my self-consciousness and need to be liked limit me. I'd live for ME and MY enjoyment.

Huh. How about that. That sounds kind of... smart, doesn't it? Nothing like a light bulb moment to slap you in the face and wake you up to some universal truth you already knew, hey?

Body Lovin' Homework - Week 2

Week 1

I have been told that my body is... sexy. womanly. curvy. perfect just the way it is. my responsibility. the only body I'll ever have.

I think my body is... under-appreciated (by me). a stumbling block I need to move beyond. capable of so much more than I give it credit. ready for a change.

I am ready for... taking care of myself first. being healthy and happy. striving to get back to doing this for my health, fitness, and well-being instead of a constant battle of not-good(skinny)-enough. acceptance. peace. love. appreciation.



From Medicinal Marizpan's Body Lovin' Homework.

My Happiness Project: Month 2, Week 1

Well, the first month of my happiness project went fairly well. I took @daydreaminfool's advice and counted the days of unintentional exercise just to placate my marginally OCD- perfectionist state. I ended up with a final average score of 88% positive (although I'm not entirely sure what "positive" means... ). It's MUCH easier for me to get my butt in bed by 9:30 and I seem to be sleeping better and getting more rest (other than the nights I'm having wacky dreams). I'm doing better at listening to my body and acting how I want to feel, but I still need to do a little work on the intentional exercise front.

Even before I made a pact with @leighish to work on self-care, that was my intended focus for Month Two. Yesterday was... a bit of a best. I didn't moisturize and we're not going to discuss the skin picking. And to be totally honest, I only "practiced" self-compassion in that I didn't do any negative self-talking. But that's three check marks out of five (which I'm not sure why they're not showing up in the screen cap up there)!

Sunday Sound-Off

I decided that, being the rampant narcissist I am, I'd do a weekly round-up of the best blog posts I've read, pretty pictures I've gazed at, and (for shits and giggles) the top things I was grateful for this week. Because I just know you're all dying to know this crap, right?!?  :D

 

 

 Link it:

1. So, this happened... SO proud of Band Back Together! <3
2. My dear friend @mommahopeful explains why the latest "harmless" facebook game isn't quite so harmless (and DOESN'T raise awareness, dammit)
3. You can do just about anything for 15 minutes, right? Roni from Roni's Weigh thinks so (and I agree)!
4. Off Our Chests is calling for the creation of The Self-Esteem Act which would require any heavily-photoshopped images of people to have a "truth in advertising" label applied. If you would like to show your support for this initiative, sign up via email from their home page (top right corner).
5. The Body is Not an Apology:

At 2:40-ish when she says "YOU are NOT failing"? Yep. I cried.

Love it:

1. Jelly Bellys
2. Seeing my breath in the morning (yay, cooler weather!)
3. Meditation
4. Crying it out (adults do it, too, y'know)
5. Writing opportunities that require me to stretch my skills while stepping outside of my comfort zone with the added bonus of giving me the chance to learn

Has @bandback2gether helped you in some way?

Looking for a way to give back?  Support @MayhemMatriarch in her quest to help The Band!

The amazing Monique is doing a Blogathon next Friday September 9th - she'll be blogging every 30 minutes for 24 hours in order to raise funds for the charity of her choice. She chose Band Back Together. We cannot even begin to say how honoured we are!

Pop on over to her blog and cheer her on via comments. If you feel so inclined, there's a ChipIn widget that will allow you to instantly donate to Band Back Together. 

Monique, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for thinking about Band Back Together. You ROCK! 

I can only IMAGINE what Freud would say about this

With the recent thawing of The Cold War II between Mom and Bev, my subconscious mind has clearly been mulling things over while I sleep.

On Friday night, I dreamed I was at Mom and Brad's where Mom delivered the news that Brad didn't really like me anymore. A short while after that, because I hadn't reacted favourably to a childish prank Nick was relaying to us, he angrily declared that he was done with me, too. I then got to sit there and listen while Mom defended Nick.

Yeah.

Last night I dreamed that (for some reason), I went to Taylor's psychiatrist appointment (she doesn't see one, for the record) to let her know that Taylor couldn't make it; I ended up staying and taking Taylor's appointment instead. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the psych ward the next day - seems Dr. Psych had convinced me to sign myself in.

(There was some convoluted bit in the middle about a male psychiatrist who was using wipes disguised as glass cleaner to "clean" patients' glasses, only to really cover them with some weird film that caused them to hallucinate and make them think they were crazy and needed to stay.)

Once I finally left the psych ward and returned to work (my longest and most-hated retail job, which features prominently in ANY dream where I'm feeling inadequate) - where I discovered someone had kindly scrawled "LOONEY BIN" across all of my missed shifts so EVERYONE knew where I was - it came out that it was all a ruse by Mom to dump me into the psych ward to "get rid of" me.

Can we say "issues" much? Geesh.