The War Of Emotions (aka It's An Ativan Kind Of Day)

I warn you in advance: I'll likely be all over the map with this post. I just need to write it out of my head, because I was popping Ativan before I even left the HOUSE this morning.

I was in complete denial and had this happy little picture of Chebbar finishing his practicum and being asked to start work next Monday. Needless to say, that didn't happen. And when I realized it wasn't gonna happen that way, my brain kicked into overdrive, like it needed to make up for the "lost time" worrying. I'm fighting my old stress-monger ways tooth and nail, but I feel that resistance slipping a little more everyday.

We're BOTH going to be unemployed. AT THE SAME DAMNED TIME! >_<

We were talking last night, and I heard a lot of hard (for me) things. Things like he's not sure when he'll go back to apply where he did his practicum. Or like he's going to take the next two weeks off to study for his gas ticket exam (that he has no clue when he'll book) (even though he went on to say that if he does get on with Practicum Place, he'd really prefer to do the ($1,800) course at BCIT (which we think is six months long? but it's only two nights a week) before taking the exam). That if he can't get on with Practicum Place - where they're provided with everything from PDAs to tools to vehicles - he'll probably just look for "whatever" to help pay the bills until he CAN get on there because he doesn't want to self-contract (even though he knew that was a very likely possibility going in - to be fair, I understand his reasoning: he'd like to get some experience under his belt before going out there under his own name putting his barely-formed reputation on the line). Oh, and don't forget: we need to be open to going where the money is - meaning sell the condo, pick up, and move AWAY-away. Like, to another province away.

Holy fuckballs. I think I'm gonna puke.

I need plans. I need dates and times and steps that will be taken. He needs to let things develop a little more... naturally. This means I push harder the more I stress, and the harder I push, the more he shuts down. It leaves me feeling like I'm the only that cares/worries/stresses the fuck out about how we're going to make a mortgage payment (and feeling like ALL that stress is on ONLY your shoulders? sucks fucking balls, dudes).

The dippy-hippie part of me wants so desperately to give in to the notion that the universe will provide us with what we need; that it will all work out the way it's meant to in its own good time. But the fucking terrified Chicken Little part of my brain is running around screaming "THE SKY IS FALLING! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!? WE'RE GONNA GO BROKE, RUN UP A METRIC FUCKTON OF DEBT, AND END UP LIVING UNDER A BRIDGE IN A CARDBOARD BOX! PANIC, DAMMIT!"

And the closer I get to my last day (Thursday, for those playing along at home), the more angry, butthurt, and FUKITOL I'm getting because, well, yeah.

Logically I know that stressing about shit before it happens is useless and pointless, and that borrowing trouble is an exercise in futility because 90% of the stuff I worry myself sick over never happens. Realistically? It's an old, familiar, comforting (albeit unhealthy and fucked up) habit.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I'm all butthurt about my mom? I haven't heard from her since they got back from their trip mid-month: she never replied to the questions I asked, never bothered to find out how Chebbar's practicum went, hasn't bothered to see how I'm hanging in. (And before you even say it, I know the phone works both ways: I'm working through some jealousy/inadequacy/fear/abandonment shit that's cropped up since her renewed relationship with Bev.)

His prospects for landing a new job are good, but. My virtual assistant business sounds good on paper, but is at a standstill until we have money coming in (because there's no way in hell I'm putting out the $350 it will cost to incorporate before one of us has a steady paycheque coming in). EI will help, but it will be awhile before that kicks in (and won't completely cover our bills). We have a tiny bit of money in the bank. We have the credit cards. We have the line of credit. We may run up some debt (PUKE) until we get back on our feet, but we'll be okay.

That doesn't mean I won't worry myself into a) an ulcer, 2) another MONTHS-long bout of insomnia, and/or iii) another 20lbs in stress weight.

Can I just go back to bed and wake up in January? Please? (Because I'm so disgustingly distraught and stressed about Christmas it's ridiculous, too.)

Another Phoning It In Photo Dump

Coco A-go-go, just because it's purdy and random.

Sunday Sound-Off

Shared it:

1. I think I need to start me a box o'happiness.
2. The lovely Medicinal Marzipan shares how caregivers can care for themselves.
3. Stephanie of Radical Hateloss implores us to give up hating our bodies for just a week. This? Sounds lovely.
4. How To Stop Arguing With Yourself And Make A Decision
5. This really IS The Nicest Place On The Internet.

Noted it:

1. Blooms on my Christmas cactus!
2. Purging (while watching Hoarders)
3. Excellent books
4. New nail polish
5. The "last" button on the remote

Thankful

I know Turkey Day was yesterday for you Americans (and a month and a half ago for us Canucks), but listening to y'all talk about being thankful puts me in the mood for some gratitude. HA!

I wanted to take a moment to tell you all how sincerely grateful I am for each and everyone of you who takes the time to go out of your way to offer me words of support, encouragement, or reality. I honestly feel like this is one of the only places where I can be myself and speak my truth without fear of retribution (or butt hurt) and not worry about pissing someone off (and suffering the silent treatment). I have no words to describe how much I appreciate all the love and friendship I receive from so many of you.

So from the bottom-most corner of tiny, cold heart, thank you.

I Have Decided...

Today's exercise in Beautiful You was to develop an "I have decided" approach. This type of mindset not only acknowledges the work necessary to achieve what I have decided, but also affirms that I have the power to make these things happen.



I have decided... to trust that the universe will provide me with what I need.

I have decided... that I will continue doing my best to stay healthy.

I have decided... that I will treat myself as well as I treat others.

I have decided... to stop hating my body and appreciate what it does for me instead.

I have decided... that I am good enough.

I have decided... that I do deserve to be loved.

I have decided... to appreciate every little thing.

I have decided... to clean house, in every sense of the word.

I have decided... to be true to myself - no excuses, no apologies - everyone else be damned.

I have decided... that doing my best will always be enough.



The book suggests writing an "I have decided" statement everyday. What would you decide?

Pinned It: Did It #2

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When I saw this ingenious organization tip for scrapbooking and card stock scraps, I knew I would be making this happen on my craft table - part of the reason I rarely make cards is because it takes. so. long. to find what I want or need.

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I went to Staples with the intention of purchasing cardboard magazine holders like the ones posted above; unfortunately, they were sold out, so I splurged and bought plastic ones - I only ended up buying six to compensate for the price difference - but I figured they'd last longer anyhow. Can I just take a dork moment to tell you how much fun I had organizing my paper scraps? HA!

What's the best thing you've seen on Pinterest this week? Need an invite? Shoot me your email address and I'll hook you up!

A Breakup Letter

Dear Dermatillomania (aka "Skin Picking"),

I hereby officially rescind my long-standing relationship with you. It's just not working anymore. It's not me: it's you. This relationship is unhealthy and, to be blunt, abusive. Hell, a lot of people consider it self-harm. That just doesn't work for me.

You make me bleed. You make me scab. You make me hurt. You make me feel embarrassed. You make me feel ashamed. That's not cool. NO ONE should get away with treating me this way, least of all myself. I lean on you too much. I rely on you too much. It's not right. I'm tired of hating how my skin looks. I'm tired of being all furtive and sneaky in order to hide this filthy habit. I'm tired of feeling disappointed with myself. I'm tired of hurting myself for you.

I am stronger and better than this. I deserve better than this. I can DO better than this!

When I find myself picking, I will stop and investigate why I'm feeling the need to fall back on you. If I'm upset, I can take some deep breaths to calm myself. If I'm anxious, I can take some time to write it out. If I'm feeling bad about myself, I can choose to do something kind instead. There are ways around you. I don't have to be involved with you any longer.

I'm strong. I don't need you anymore

No more love,
Me

Sunday Sound-Off

Linked it:

1. I make no bones about having a girl-crush on Jett Superior. This post will give you insight into why: Tiny Amends.
2. How Well Has Not Liking Yourself Worked Out So Far? Not so well, actually...
3. Are you your own best friend? Olivia Loevnmark explains why choosing to be is a good idea.
4. Melissa Ford discusses The Gift of Comments.
5. Band Back Together recognized National Adoption Day yesterday with a blog carnival. This post belongs to a very dear friend of mine; I was honoured she allowed me to share it with you.

Loved it:

1. Shitty reality TV
2. Cozy sweaters
3. Saying no
4. Making time
5. Bonding over a good book

I'm Speaking Out

Kristin at Wanderlust teamed up with BlogCatalog to form Speak Out in order to bring international awareness to domestic violence. This is a topic I am familiar with and feel strongly about. I have shared how domestic violence has touched my life in The Story: emotional, verbal, and physical abuse have affected my family for generations. I've spoken out about my abusive relationship on Violence Unsilenced, which prompted me to share an incident of sexual harassment at work. This is a cause that is near and dear to my heart.

Another "cause" that is near and dear to my heart is Band Back Together, a community blog started by the amazing Aunt Becky of Mommy Wants Vodka - a place where everyone is welcome to share his or her stories and receive support and understanding. It is an amazing thing to behold strangers rallying 'round to love on someone who desperately needs it.

Speak Out has chosen Band Back Together as their designated charity. I know I can speak for The Band when I say we are so very honoured. Band Back Together is in the process of obtaining non-profit status; it is run entirely by volunteers who contribute countless hours to ensuring the site runs smoothly so everyone can have a chance to be heard. This means so much to us.

If you would like to Speak Out, join Kristin's link-up:

Things That Can Just F*ck Right Off #67

#67: People who claim to want "feedback" and "constructive criticism," then turn around and cry to anyone who will listen about how MEEEEEAN you are.



Explanation

Pinned It: Did It

Have you heard of Pinterest? It's only THE most awesome time suck on the internet. No, seriously! You'll find everything from crafty stuff to recipes, fashion to inspiration in one location. Never mind all the breathtaking scenery and adorable kidlets - it's my go-to happy place because it's guaranteed to perk me up. If you don't have an account, but would like to "play," leave me your email address and I'll send you an invite! (You can request one from Pinterest directly, but you have to wait: having a current member invite you happens instantly.)

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My lovely friend Sarah Bee decided to start a blog link-up for those of us wholly "pindicted" who have tried something we've pinned. Because I'm Super Dork, I already have a board dedicated to stuff I've actually made. This is the recipe that inspired my Pinned It: Did It board...

Chicken & Cheese Lasagna Roll-Ups

Because I made these ages ago, I don't have pictures to show the process, but take my word for it: these are DELICIOUS. They're a smidge fiddly time-wise, but definitely worth the time and work. In fact, I think I'll be putting them on next week's meal plan...

Are you on Pinterest? Am I following you yet? What have you tried? Don't forget to link up with Sarah!

Sunday Sound-Off

This has become a little more difficult now that Google Reader no longer offers the share function. Dag nabbit. *kicks dirt*


Checked StumbleUpon to see what I shared:

1. Charlie Stross's "Evil social networks" will explain why I deleted my Klout account.
2. Ragan Chastain of Dances With Fat expresses why NEDA's partnership with STOP Obesity Epidemic troubling.
3. An Open Letter to Penn State Students
4. The amazing Katie P explains when NO is better than yes.
5. Why we sometimes don't accept praise by Tiny Buddha

 

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Checked my journal to see what I was grateful for:

1. A license plate that spelled "BC'er" on a vehicle from Ontario
2. Listening to the rain from the comfort of my couch
3. Acknowledging my limitations
4. Touch typing
5. Seeing my parents on TV. At the Canucks game. IN ANAHEIM! It really is a small world!

Possibly Unpopular Opinion: #1

#1: If you don't wash your hands after using a public washroom, I'm silently judging you.

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Nonsensical McRambles

I... got nothin'. I want to blog, but my mind is a jumbled up mess of thoughts going too fast for me to latch onto. I've simultaneously realized how my blog hits have dwindled and grimaced at the fact that a) I looked, and b) I CARED. Laaaaame. I feel mentally constipated. Heh, how's that for a sweet visual? You're welcome.

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I want to work out, but I'm so bloody sore and exhausted by the time I get home, I give up before I even try. I've comforted myself with the fact that I only have 24 more days (17 more working days) until all freedom, all the time that will allow me to exercise whenever the hell I feel like it.

I have this overwhelming urge - NEEEEED - to eat ALLLLL the sugar. It's ridiculous. I don't like it. DIEUHBEATUS, Heather!

About the work thing: yeah. Starting to get the anxiety sads. Trying not to even THINK about the possibility of Chebbar not being hired on after his practicum. Reconciling myself to the mindset of his finding work being an ADVENTURE, especially if it means we have to move.

I'm emo-butt-hurt over a perceived slight (and the fear that I've somehow inadvertently pissed her off and this is my "punishment") upon learning Nick was given my parents' travel itinerary instead of me - y'know, the oldest RELIABLE child - for the first time ever.

Also muddling through feelings of... jealousy? being excluded? feeling left out? now that I'm the only one without a relationship with Bev and realizing that there is LOTS Mom holds back on telling me simply because it involves her. (Still not ready to contemplate opening that door, especially considering I haven't heard one peep about HER wanting to mend fences.)

I'm still scared poopless about this virtual assistant thing. I'm procrastinating even getting started (because not starting is a GREAT way to make sure it's impossible to fail). I think it would be better if I could get up and running before I leave here while I still have contact with such a large network, but I'd kind of given myself December as a grace period.

Chebbar has a sinus infection; he's been on antibiotics since Saturday, but still feels like shit. His practicum starts next Monday, so we're both hoping he feels better by then. Oh, also? He's on the same fracking antibiotics that made my step-dad think he was having a heart attack.

I've had pain in my elbows (chiro said the dreaded phrase: carpal tunnel syndrome) since October 16th; I buggered my knee doing yoga, so that's been bothering me since October 25th; and my left hip/ass cheek/saddle bag has been painful since October 30th-ish. I'm starting to worry it's something more than weight gain/inactivity/I'm getting old.

Phoning It In Photo Dump

Sunday Sound-Off

Shared it:

1. Joshilyn Jackson's Open Letter to the Fat Girl [She] Saw at Hot Yoga will make you want to stand up and cheer.
2. Sui from Cynosure tells us how to create a comprehensive self-care plan.
3. Quit "shoulding" all over yourself!
4. Nona Jordan, The Business Yogini, explains why you shouldn't hide your brilliance (yes, you).
5. And this just made me snort-laugh (from my other home, We Know Awesome):

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Appreciated it:

1. Apple crisp
2. Family
3. Frost-crunchy grass
4. Flipping the calendar over to a fresh, new month
5. Hoodies

A Moment of Mindfulness

She cautiously opened the door, afraid to be caught, before poking her head outside to ensure no one was around to see her. She looked down at the bench's accumulation of dirt and cobwebs before sitting gingerly on the edge of the seat. "Step outside for five minutes today," the book prompted.

She sat quietly and was still, leaving herself open to notice. "Mindfulness," she mused briefly before turning off her brain and tuning in to her surroundings. It was cold; the sun had disappeared behind a thick, grey blanket of clouds. A deep inhalation brought the smell of pine trees and the damp, dead leaves that lay scattered across the ground.

She could see her breath when she exhaled, remembering the game of her childhood when she would pretend to smoke "just like Mommy." The first day of the year cold enough for her to witness her exhalations still made her smile. Invisible birds chirped and squawked over the steady, comforting thrum of the highway.

Not being used to sitting in silence - to just being - she realized she was wiggling her toes inside her scuffed shoes (as she was wont to do when anxious). Noticing this anxiety, she took another deep breath and gazed around once more before giving silent thanks for the opportunity to be fully present and aware of her surroundings.

She smiled softly to herself as the heat of the office rushed to meet her cold nose.

This Is Why I Love You: Reason #27

#27: You help me, whether I don't realize I need it or when I'm being stubborn






Explanation

My Happiness Project: Month 4, Week 1 & A Challenge

Well, I did a bit better with Month Three: I averaged 60% overall! Considering it involved a lot of self-love-type stuff, that's pretty damned good, IM(not so)HO.

I was working on:

1. Being my own best friend and/or biggest cheerleader
2. Ceasing to judge others/myself; stop comparing
3. Reframing negative self-talk
4. Asking for help - being aware of my limitations; being specific about my needs

I had a sneaking suspicion that #3 would be the most difficult for me, and it was - I think the hardest part was REMEMBERING to notice the negativity, never mind correcting it.

Here are Month Four's goals:

 Toolbox here

On top of that, I had pledged to join @undomesticdiva in her 30 Day Challenge (aka Operation Eleanor) by meditating every day for the month of November. However, since I'm doing well with that by doing it before I go to sleep, I'm going with this one instead (MUCH harder/scarier for me):

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*gulp* So, who else is in? Pop on over to UD's blog to join, or tweet using the #OpEleanor hash tag!