I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I'm back here with the same feelings/thoughts/intentions that I've laid out multiple times in the past, but I need somewhere to get this out of my head and down somewhere concrete. That being said, this post is going to be about my health, fitness, and well-being, so feel free to go read something else.
As I emo-word-vomited on Sunday, I'm not overly happy with the state of my body (I have another one of those ass bugs because my back has started spasming again, which CLEARLY means I should do ALLLLL THE EXERCISES now and wonder why I'm in pain later - hey, I never claimed to be smart). We were doing really well for about a month, but then we found out we had to pack up our entire lives and move 1,000km away in the span of two weeks, so exercise kinda fell by the wayside. Couple that with eating my feelers and, well, it's not pretty, folks.
I just finished reading Karen C.L. Anderson's book After The Before And After; there was so much I could relate to and so much that made sense (it was a good book - definitely worth the read). I would like to think I'm slowly grasping the concept of self-acceptance and committing to improving my overall mental and physical health from a place of love, not self-loathing and hatred.
I get stuck in this vicious cycle of wanting to improve my health, well-being, and fitness so I'll feel better about myself, thinking that self-acceptance means I need to just accept myself as-is, and feeling like the two are mutually exclusive and in complete contradiction with each other. I mean, it says it itself: self acceptance. How am I being accepting of myself if I want to change myself? Can the two really be done concurrently?
(And then I come across this on Pinterest and it's like someone finally turned on a light.)
I'm realizing that I need to get back to basics: moving for movement's sake, not calorie burning or punishment for eating the "wrong" thing; learning to really listen and pay attention to my body's needs and wants; treating myself with the loving kindness and compassion I so readily and easily give to others. I need to get back to a place of being okay with who I am, where I am, as I look right this very second so I can focus on improving my HEALTH (partially because, while I know he means well, hearing Chebbar tell me that I didn't have an unhealthy relationship with exercise and/or that there's nothing wrong with focusing on the numbers on the scale because he hates hearing talk about myself negatively and doesn't want me to Chicken Little myself into a hole, I also know that stuff does NOT work for me - at least not in a *healthy* manner).
I want to exercise for the physical and emotional benefits - so I can move more easily with less pain and to boost my endorphins.
I want to exercise for the energy and confidence boost it gives me - I hold myself differently and walk taller with my head held high when I'm active regularly.
I want to exercise because it feels good and I enjoy it.
I want to exercise to gain strength so that (hopefully) I won't hurt as much.
I want to learn to trust myself and to listen to my body again.
I want to focus on self-care and treating myself well.
I want to start talking to myself the way I talk to my friends: lovingly, patiently, encouragingly.
I want to try taking so many people's suggestions and start treating myself with respect and dignity, since beating myself up and trying to hate myself into submission certainly hasn't worked for me.
I want to be happy in my skin and at peace with who I am, because if I am to believe you people, I'm a pretty cool gal.
I want to get to know myself: what I like, what I dislike, what I want, what my hopes and dreams for the future are. I honestly don't know those things. Sure, I can give you a pat answer, but I've never taken the time to stop and get to know me (mostly because I never saw myself as being worth taking the time to get to know).
I want to refer back to this post every time I forget or get off track or waver in my resolve.
I want to start LIKING ME again.
Those are excellent and healthy goals, sweetie. And that pinterest blurb has it right on the money - wanting something else does not equal hating where you are. Be okay with who you are and where you are at, because even these pitstops and pauses have something to teach you. And do keep focusing on your healthy body image, that matters whether you're 130 or 330 pounds, and makes the bigger difference between a healthy woman and a sick woman, regardless of her weight or measurements.
ReplyDeleteYou may have said these things before, but not in this way. And you need to recognize a few things. 1. You are keeping yourself in mind as you do (or don't do) things. You are more AWARE of sitting on the sofa. 2. You didn't develop these feelings overnight. OF COURSE you are going to relapse. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't. 3. Every time you write about this? Your commitment is strengthened. You are reminded that YOU are important.
ReplyDelete*help me down from this soap-box, would you?*
I, for one, would be so worried about you if you STOPPED writing about this.
Love you. xo
I want those things for you, too:) <3 you
ReplyDeleteKeep coming here and writing...over and over and over again. Don't worry about what your readers thing. Do it for you. Be patient, be loving...it is all possible. And thank you for such lovely comments here and on my Amazon page. I am grateful!
ReplyDeleteI say, play the record as many damn times as you need to. I welcome hearing it too because it brings our awareness to where we want it to be instead of where it gets to when we're not paying attention. Focus that intent, baby!
ReplyDeleteGlad to find you through Not Mommy. I hear you on this. I made the
ReplyDeletemistake of writing about my weight loss last May, and I think I cursed
myself because since then it hasn't been going well -- wrong trajectory.
I hope you are able to get back to basics.
I wanted to let you know I tagged everyone in the Not Mommy group on an
ice-breaker meme (11 hopefully quick questions, several about blogging).
There’s no pressure to respond or to tag others, but I thought it would
be a good way to get to know each other better and possibly expand the
community depending on if/who you tag.
If you want to participate, check out the details here: http://logyexpress.com/2012/03/01/spinal-tap-11-meme/
Abby already answered some of the questions in my comments, which is another option.
Thanks,
Tracy @Logy Express
I like you.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, just because you see the need to change, that doesn't mean you can't accept where you are.
Think about it as improvement. You're OK as you are, and you will get better.
"...even these pitstops and pauses have something to teach you."
ReplyDeleteYES! I so need to remember that - every experience, good or bad, is a learning experience. Thank you. <3
No way, dude! I like you up there on your soap box, talking sense into me!
ReplyDeleteLove you, too!
#thisiswhyiloveyou <3
ReplyDelete"Don't worry about what your readers thing. Do it for you."
ReplyDeleteI think I need to focus on that: if people don't want to read it, they won't. I started this blog for ME, after all. Thanks, lady.
xoxo
Ooh, yes! Excellent point! I've seen a saying floating around Pinterest that goes something along the lines of "people give up because they focus on how much further they have to go instead of how far they've already come." I should find that one again. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope so, too! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for tagging me!
"Think about it as improvement. You're OK as you are, and you will get better."
ReplyDeleteOh, I *like* that! Thank you for the perspective. :)
Yes, yes, yes. I love this post. I need to hang it on my refrigerator.
ReplyDeleteAwww! *smooches*
ReplyDelete*****HUGS*****
ReplyDeleteYou ARE a pretty cool gal. Tis true. We all have our mess-ups...tis human. <3
Thank you, sweets.
ReplyDeletexoxo